11/21/2022
Pinched (with thanks to Lee A Lynn)
Dear Customer,
Congratulations on acquiring your new Border Collie.
Please find the instructions for your particular model listed below:
Although your Border Collie comes fully assembled, due to particular issues during production, we do occasionally have issues with components such as screws, and you may find they are either loose or missing altogether.
Mode 1: This is the sleep mode, activated for some of the day as the dog ages. This is normal and you should not worry about it, just accept the peace and quiet while you can.
Mode 2: Anarchy. Although we have tried to ease the effect of anarchy mode, it’s not always possible.
There are inherent issues with the timer settings of anarchy mode in regards to there being none.
Should your dog suddenly go from comatose to running around the walls, we cannot stop this feature.
Mode 3: Velcro. We believe somewhere in the assembly process someone installed an elite magnet that only is attracted to humans. We apologize in advance for the constant interruptions in the bathroom and any other place that requires privacy.
Naming: Your Border Collie comes untitled as we feel owners should use names of their own. If you are unsure, we have listed below a few names our owners like to use:
Did you do this?
You’re kidding me?
Give that back!
Don’t you dare!
Put that down!
Whyyyy?
Get that out of your mouth!
No, no, NO!!!!
Software: Your Border Collie is pre-installed with the highest software and hardware specifications.
This includes the 'loyalty chip', the 'love every one chip', the 'neurotic chip,' 'the fun chip' and, of course, the highly popular 'mayhem chip.'
They are all running on the WHATTHE****? operating system 2.2. Although this has been in circulation for many years, we have found it simply cannot be improved upon.
Options: The “I’m smarter than you” chip - may cause conflict depending on the owner.
The “Houdini” chip - can get out or into almost everything.
The Mk1 Sophie model contains the “You can’t make me do it Two Legs” feature.
Watch for the ‘eye roll’ and 'Look of contempt' feature, available on most models. Not to be confused with the ‘eye of repentance’ look which is optional.
Some models have the ‘Who me? get outta here!” look installed, this again varies by model.
Unit is not deaf despite all appearances or actions to the contrary.
Feel free to inform us of any other surprise bonus Modes that have popped up by contacting customer support at 1-800-poo-hole.
Thank you and enjoy your new Border Collie!
Sincerely,
Your Customer Support Team
