01/31/2023
I want to share with you my day. I woke up at 5:15 this morning, to start my shift at 8 am at a busy emergency hospital in Ottawa. I took Tiny Popa with me today as she is not feeling too well, and I want to run some diagnostics on her. Today I work a 13 hours shift. I am in charge of a number of hospitalized patients that are quite sick. In fact, with the exception of a silly puppy that ate a rock- that was removed from his stomach endoscopically- by the end of my shift, all my patients will be either dead or in the process of dying. Their owners are sad, shocked, some are quite distraught. One cat that is only a year old is dying from heart disease as it was born with an extremely rare heart defect. Another young cat had to be euthanized as it could not breath outside of the oxygen cage. You get the picture. As I talk to everybody, helping them make sense of what is happening, I try not get too emotional. I can’t go there. I need to be the rational one.
As I am running around like a chicken with her head chopped off- my cell phone goes off. I answer, there is this distraught owner of a dog that needs help. She tells me her dog is bleeding and it needs to be euthanized today. She lives 2 hours away from Ottawa. I tell her that unfortunately I work in Ottawa today until 9-9:30 pm, so I won’t be able to help her. I tell her that the closest ER hospital from her is probably in Kingston. She gets quite upset and tells me: you are going to come right now because my dog’s cyst is bleeding and I don’t have a car! Hmm….ok…..I still can’t leave my current patients. I offer to come when I finish work, so I tell her I could be there at midnight. She gets even more upset and says: my dog will bleed to death by then, THANK YOU FOR NOTHING! I am kind of upset about the interaction but I shake it off, as I still need to deal my patients.
Meanwhile, Tiny Popa’s results come back: she is in kidney failure and I suspect she has some chest masses. I want to cry but I don’t really have time for these emotions, so I push them away. I finally go into the washroom and call my mom: Mom, I think Tiny is quite sick. How will I know when it’s time? How will I live without her? Tiny has been with us for 14.5 years. My kids grew up with her. I cry sitting on the toilet. That was good, I feel better now, after I shared my pain with my mom.
It's 11:00 o’clock and I’m driving on 416, coming home. I can’t get that earlier interaction out of head. Did the dog really bleed to death? Did they find somebody with a car to take the dog to ER? I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m not sure why I feel a bit guilty. Rationally, I know I could not have been in 2 places at once, but now I AM AWARE that a dog is suffering somewhere and I could do nothing about it. I hate that I feel guilty. I don’t know what to do with this emotion and I push it away. I literally imagine it being a ball that I push away.
Meanwhile, Tiny is snoozing in the passenger seat. She farts- this makes me smile. Then the smell keeps getting stronger and stronger- I am considering the possibility that she pooped in the seat. I’m thinking- what a good end of this day 😊 I touch her bum- that could have ended up badly if she indeed pooped- nope, she is just farting. I tell her she is a good girl and that I love her. I get home and my husband gets a chance to tell me “Happy birthday”.
