27/08/2023
Rest in peace! 💔
A letter to my sweet Jesse. 💌 This was very difficult to get out without crying... and is a bit raw, but I'm hoping it helps by putting some of these emotions down in writing. I know how much you all love Jesse too. 💙💜
"Hey Jesse, my gorgeous little guy. It's been a few days since you've left this physical earth, and I keep wanting to go back to a time and place where everything was alright, and you were full of life and sunshine. Though I know life doesn't work that way; as much as I wish it could. Knowing and loving you, Jesse, you turned my world upside down in the best way possible and took me on a crazy ride of adventure and excitement.
You were never just a dog to me; you were always so much more. I continually looked at you as my best friend and heart dog. I saw your soul when I looked at you. You had such presence, charm, and personality that you were like your own little person. Your presence and significance to me was just like that of a human; even though I know you were a puppy and respected you as such, your presence was felt throughout the house the moment you came home.
You were a true family member, Jesse. You made any place feel safe because you were there. Everyone who met you, fell in love with you because of how goofy and lovable you were. You always had such a mischievous glint in your eye and the cutest smile on your face. One of your favorite things you loved doing, was stealing treats and bringing them to me; while playfully prancing with your prize in your mouth.
When you'd smile at me and look at me; I could tell we spoke our own little language and communicated on more of a soul level. You always seemed to glance into my soul when I'd catch your gaze. I could talk to you about anything and everything and you always gave me an expression like you were really listening and trying to understand what I was saying. It never felt like we were training; we were just speaking to one another when we did tricks or danced together. I know I can be weird and awkward at times, but you understood me. ❤️
I really miss you looking at me like that... an awful lot. It's been about a month since I've seen you give me that signature look. I am incredibly grateful I took an insane amount of pictures and videos of you... because I will always treasure those more than I realized when we took them. I didn't know they would be fond memories one day; we were just having fun together. 💕
Everything makes me think of you... and when I think of you... I end up crying. Music, tea, places, car rides, sights, coffee, sounds, and Starbucks... are just a few. I'd usually give you a little dish of milk when I made tea and you knew the word 'tea' meant you were getting a little splash of milk in your own saucer. Puppuchinos... you were addicted to those like an addict and I always had to get you a treat if we got coffee together. Before they started serving them in a cup for pups, you would just have the whip cream on top of the the Frappuccino.
I loved putting on music and dancing randomly with you while drinking morning tea. I should have filmed more of those moments, but I'll forever remember them fondly. Even when you couldn't walk very well, without help from me, you still loved when I picked you up and danced around with you in my arms at times. That seemed to calm you down when you thought you were alone and showed my love for you. I think you understood in those moments; because you would rest your head right under my neck when I sang to you and caressed your fur. Sometimes they were silly made up songs about you; though you didn't mind.
Driving by places we used to walk reminds me of beloved memories of you... I wish we could go back to those days an awful lot. To go on a day walk with you one more time would be a dream.
You were such a big a part of my life, Jesse... It feels weird not being able to share bits of my food with you or let you lick the plate when we're done eating. I keep looking for you and worrying where you are; even though I saw you leave. I've been carrying around your little trinket of fur with me so it feels like you are still here. I don't want to forget you Jesse. I know human memory gets fuzzy sometimes and I want to remember you and how amazing you are. You are the best dog ever to me; my best friend.
I hope you understand I didn't give up on you. Even though I feel like I failed you somehow. I know your spirit and soul is incredibly strong, but your physical body just couldn't keep up with you any longer. It took me longer to admit this to myself because I didn't want to lose you... and even think of a life without you...
I could see you were trying incredibly hard for me.
But it wouldn't be fair on you to put you through more vet visits than we already did, that wouldn't help... just because I would be lonely without you, Sweetheart. I know you would do anything for me, you've always been that way; learning so many crazy things back in the day and showing me your silly antics and charm; that always made me smile and laugh way too much when I was around you. You made anything feel like an adventure with your can-do attitude. You always looked at a challenge and attempted it with your own unique flair.
Being around you; you taught me a remarkable amount that I never could have learned if we never met. We traveled to a great deal of places together and did incredible things, but I think what I will miss most about you is being able to cuddle up with you at night, with my face in your neck ruffle while holding your paw; to fall asleep with rainstorm music on. Those moments were peace with you. You always wanted to be with me wherever I was and I know I needed you just as much as you needed me. We both have bad anxiety and hated being alone...
You brought such adventure to my life and pushed me out of my comfort zone on many occasions and made me believe in myself in a way I couldn't without you.
I met so many amazing people because of you and saw so many amazing places because of you. Without you, Jesse, I don't think I'd still be here. You helped me find purpose and passion in life. You were, and still are, everything to me sweet Jesse.
Please visit once in awhile; if even in a dream or a fleeting moment. And it doesn't have to be right away; I understand you're finally able to run free and see again... and chase all the cuz balls you want up there... eating as much treats as you want to... and playing to your heart's content with Kaine and Bella near the oceanside while digging in the sand (our favorite place), but I already miss you, Sweet Boy.
It's eerily quiet without you. Deafening quiet without turning on background music or a podcast just to avoid the silence.
I don't think this feeling will ever go away. It's sort of like a huge hole or piece of myself that is missing without you next to me; kind of like a hollow and empty pit sitting in the middle of my chest. I keep trying to mentally compartmentalize, but it is extremely difficult to do, because of how special you are to me. I wish I could have done more for you; you deserved the whole world; the universe even. I keep thinking, "What if?" What if I did something differently; would you still be here? Being an overthinker, I feel that thought will always haunt me.
I know that's not a positive outlook and isn't healthy to question every outcome I would have done differently with you if I could... so I am going to try incredibly hard to keep thinking of all of the good times with you as much as I can... even though just thinking of you and missing you makes me cry way too hard right now. Since I started writing this letter to you... I got your ashes back and it still doesn't feel real; like a nightmare I just want to wake up from. Surreal even.
Your smile, happiness, and zest for life; that's how I always want to remember you, Jesse. I know we lost that for awhile there and I'm terribly sorry for that. You fought immensely hard to be here with me and I thought we would have had more time. No amount of time would have been enough. I had so much still planned with you and so many treats, puzzle toys, supplements, and shirts I still wanted to give you that are sitting in the cupboard. I wanted to travel with you one last time. In spirit, I know you'll always be here, but I wish I could absent-mindedly play with your ears again while sitting next to you when on the computer or hold you close for movie night.
I hope you know how much I love you Jesse; wholeheartedly. I wish I could say it more to you and kiss your sweet face and look into your eyes and 'boop' your nose gently. No amount of those moments would have been enough. A lifetime wouldn't have been enough with you.
The universe gave us one last beautiful sunset together at the park when we had to part... I don't think I've seen a sunset quite like that in awhile. It was like Heaven was welcoming you home to Rainbow Bridge with open arms. You had family around you and I hope you felt just how much we all love you when we helped you cross to the rainbow bridge, Sweet Boy. The sprinklers even came on and I remember how much you used to love playing in those and play biting at the jet streams on our walks. It was almost cathartic. 🌈
I know you didn't want to go, but you understood when I told you I would be okay, and you can go. I bet Kaine, Bella, Jasmine, and so many more amazing YouTube dogs welcomed you when you got up there. You guys had so many fun adventures together down here. 🐾
I saw a cloud the night before last that looked reminiscent of you running and I found myself talking to you... asking for a sign that you are okay; wherever you are. At that moment there was a gust of wind and I'd like to believe that that was you telling me you're alright and not to worry too much.
I don't want to say goodbye to you... I believe we'll meet again somehow and someway... hopefully in this lifetime, Jesse, because I can still feel your presence around; even if I can't see or touch you. I hope wherever you are; that you are happy... smiling that contagious Jesse smile... and running around doing zoomies like a white bullet; while playfully growling like you so loved to do when playing keep away or tug of war. You were such a silly and playful little guy for most of your life. We even got two more years together after you kicked cancer in the butt.
I love you ever so much gorgeous boy. Thank you for all of the amazing things you've taught me and the experiences you've given; just by being you.
Until we meet again my Sweet Boy, I will forever hold you close to my heart, and try to think of all the positive lessons you've taught me about life. I hope to see you again Jesse; you have the most gorgeous soul. I love you an awful lot. I wish I could tell you that one more time, while looking into your eyes, as I hold your paw. ❤️
Love,
Your Momma"
