Simon Mallin K9 Training & Consultancy

Simon Mallin K9 Training & Consultancy *NASDU Trainer, K9 Assessor, Consultant, Advisor* I'm looking to expand on existing and explore new opportunities both in the UK and abroad.

*NASDU Trainer, K9 Assessor, Consultant, Advisor*
An SME for government, commercial and private canine security organisations and individuals. Extremely flexible with a WILL DO attitude. Long-or short-term projects.

*Fields of expertise:*
Explosive Detection Dogs, Drug Detection Dogs, Pyrotechnic (flare) Detection Dogs, People Search (passive scanning/vapour wake), Tracker Dogs, Patrol Dogs, Wil

dlife Protection (Anti-poaching) Dogs, Medical Alert Dogs. Initial Training for both dogs and handlers, assessments (QA/QC), Continuation Training, Remedial Training, Problem Solving, Project Management and Installation. Over the past 30+ years. I have gained expertise in security K9 Management and Training. I was a Military Working Dog Handler with the British Army (Army Dog Unit NI) in the late 80s and 90s. I’m a founder member, former chairman, current committee member and company director of the United Kingdom’s NASDU (National Association of Security Dog Users). I have travelled extensively, providing training and education in the K9 arena (including in some of the world’s security hot spots). I have provided training of both dogs and rangers deployed in the fight against the Illegal Wildlife trade in Africa (anti-poaching dog teams). In more recent years I've trained dogs and owners for Medical Alert in the UK and am keen to progress this further. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my profile. I'm always keen to increase my network of like-minded people and potential clientele.

Hopefully it's an interesting and useful read  📚👍🙂👌
08/03/2025

Hopefully it's an interesting and useful read 📚👍🙂👌

Negativity is Contagious—So is Positivity: Why Some Thrive and Others Don’t No matter what your role is in this industry—whether you’re a trainer, handler, manager, working in admin, in the kennels, self-employed, or part of a company—who you surround yourself with matters. Negativity bree...

08/03/2025

07/03/2025

Ada’s Back – And She’s Got Big Plans! 🐾✨

After a little unexpected adventure, Ada has made her way back to me. One of those last-minute “we don’t want Labradors” decisions—no rhyme or reason, but hey, that’s life! Their loss, someone else’s gain.

She’s had a couple of days to settle back in, enjoy some one-on-one time, and catch up with Bandit. Now, she’s getting back into the swing of things, enjoying the work she loves.

And next weekend, she’s got an exciting opportunity lined up! A new handler from Ireland is coming over for a two-day handover to see if they’re the right fit. If all goes well, Ada will be off to the Emerald Isle to start her next adventure! ☘️🐕

Enjoy this little clip of Ada’s first couple of days back—happy, confident, and ready for whatever comes next! 🎥🐶

05/03/2025

Self-refresher training earlier in the week with my own dog, Bandit—me running my own training search. Convenient, easy… and a risk.

I often place hides on stairs because they’re areas that get overlooked by handlers and dogs alike. So, naturally, Bandit expects to find something there. This time, though, the stairs were negative. But that didn’t stop him. His brain’s ticking over, convincing himself there’s something there. And if I didn’t know where the hides were—if I was running blind—he’d have convinced me too.

That’s how you end up inducing a false indication. The dog believes it, you start believing it, and before you know it, you’re reinforcing interest, and worse still, a false indication. A good reminder of why blind searches matter and why we have monthly EDD assessments, overseen and signed off by a qualified trainer, as per NASDU requirements, to maintain your EDD team status.

False indications in real operational search environments? Not good. 😐

🚀 Provisional HME & Bulk Explosives Training Day – 28th May (Alford Technologies Limited, Cheddar) 🚀I’m looking to gauge...
05/03/2025

🚀 Provisional HME & Bulk Explosives Training Day – 28th May (Alford Technologies Limited, Cheddar) 🚀

I’m looking to gauge interest for an HME & Bulk Explosives Training Day at Alford Technologies Limited in Cheddar on Wednesday, 28th May.

📌 This is NOT a booking post—just market research! If you’re keen to attend, drop a comment below or message me. No commitment required at this stage.

💣 What’s Included?
✅ Bulk Military & Commercial Explosives
✅ Live HMEs
✅ Certification Provided – Suitable for CT & Assessments
✅ 1:4 Instructor-to-Handler Ratio (NASDU Trainer’s Code of Practice)

💰 £150 per handler & dog
🐕 £75 for a second dog (same handler)

📢 This will only go ahead if there’s enough interest. We need a minimum of 8 to 12 handlers to make it viable.

I also run an active WhatsApp group for training and monthly assessments. If you’d like to join, just comment below or email me [email protected].

Let me know if you’d be interested! 👇

Agency Legislation & Dog Handlers – Some Thoughts After the HMRC WebinarI sat in on yesterdays HMRC briefing, listened t...
05/03/2025

Agency Legislation & Dog Handlers – Some Thoughts After the HMRC Webinar

I sat in on yesterdays HMRC briefing, listened to a number of questions raised, and took in the discussion from different perspectives. One key question—whether freelance handlers operating as a limited company in their own right would still be caught under agency legislation—was raised by someone else.

I had the same question in mind, but even after hearing the answer, I still don’t feel it was made entirely clear. And I suspect many others feel the same.

What This Means for Handlers

I always understood that if a handler was genuinely freelance, working for multiple companies, providing their own training, vehicle, and dog, and even operating as a limited company, they wouldn’t need to be on PAYE. But after this session, it seems that might not be the case.

Another issue is the uneven playing field in the security industry. Some companies—particularly ACS-approved ones—have already complied with these PAYE rules, while others haven’t. This creates a business-level disadvantage, where some companies are absorbing extra costs while others continue as they were.

Then there’s the knock-on effect on new handlers. As a freelance trainer, I work with people entering the industry. Many self-fund their training and buy their own dog, expecting to operate as self-employed handlers. But if they’re required to be PAYE, what does that mean for the costs they’ve already invested?

And here’s a key tax question I’d love some clarity on:
✅ Can a new handler who pays for their own training and buys their own dog still offset these costs against their self-assessment tax return?
✅ What about fuel, accommodation, and vehicle running costs if they work away from home?
✅ Would they still submit a self-assessment tax return to reclaim these costs, even if they’re now considered employed under PAYE?

A Bit About Me

Just to clarify, I’m no tax expert. I’ve worked in the industry for most of my working life in some format or another. I currently operate as a trainer and, in recent years, have worked as an explosive detection dog handler—both on a PAYE basis and self-employed.

But going forward, whether we like it or not, PAYE for operational dog services seems to be the direction things are heading.

Could This Actually Improve Things?

If everyone complied, the industry would at least be on an even playing field. That could, in turn, force companies bidding for contracts to raise their rates—which should mean higher hourly pay for handlers.

But is that wishful thinking? Am I looking through rose-coloured glasses, or could this actually be a positive shift in the long run?

Would love to hear thoughts—especially from those who know the tax and compliance side of things.

📣 Join us for an informative webinar with HMRC on 04 March 2025.

The aim of the webinar is to provide guidance on how HMRC rules apply to supplying security with dogs.

➡️ Why attend this webinar?

Many security companies supply security operatives with dogs (dog handlers / K9) to their customers under contract. Such operatives are often supplied to the customer by another party on behalf of the contracted business or individual.

By attending the live webinar, you can refresh your knowledge about HMRC’s guidance on how HMRC rules apply to supplying security with dogs and what this means for tax and national insurance. A representative from HMRC will be present and there will be an opportunity to ask questions at the end of the webinar.

➡️ Who should join?

Everyone is welcome to join; however, the following audience may find the webinar particularly useful.

◻️ Individuals or any business that supplies a customer with security operatives with a dog (dog handler/ K9) either supplied directly by that individual or business or supplied to the customer by another party.
◻️Security operatives working with dogs, who undertake designated licensable activity with the relevant SIA sector licence.

💻 Where: Microsoft Teams (joining instructions will be sent closer to the date)
📆 When: Tuesday 4th March
⏰ Time: 11:00 am - 12:00 pm

🔗 Register your interest on the following link: https://orlo.uk/ymba6

"Nothing beats a proper chip butty. End of discussion... or is it?"
04/03/2025

"Nothing beats a proper chip butty. End of discussion... or is it?"

A fantastic achievement for all involved! NASDU trainer assessments are a tough process, and it’s great to see Gareth, D...
03/03/2025

A fantastic achievement for all involved! NASDU trainer assessments are a tough process, and it’s great to see Gareth, Doug, and Derren rising to the challenge and earning their new titles.

Well done to H&A Protection Services for their commitment to high standards in training, and congratulations to the newly appointed NASDU Trainers!

NASDU Trainer Assessments – February 2025

Last week, H&A Protection Services underwent two days of NASDU trainer assessments on the 24th and 25th of February. The assessments, conducted by Simon Mallin and Trevor (Bambi) Wilding, covered multiple disciplines, and put candidates through their paces, as expected.

We’re pleased to announce the following newly appointed NASDU Trainers, all operating under the H&A Protection Services banner:

✅ Gareth Howlett – NASDU General Purpose Level 2 Instructor Trainer
✅ Doug Plews – NASDU Passive Drugs and Pyrotechnics Instructor Trainer
✅ Derren Fitton – NASDU Proactive Drugs, Passive Drugs, and Pyrotechnics Instructor Trainer

It was a demanding process, but each candidate rose to the challenge and can now rightfully call themselves NASDU Trainers in their respective disciplines.

H&A Protection Services, based at Altys Farm, Altys Lane, Ormskirk (near Liverpool), has an excellent training facility. In addition, they have access to a number of live training venues through their client base, providing valuable real-world training opportunities—something that is to be commended.

Congratulations once again to Gareth, Doug, and Derren on their achievement!

&AProtectionServices

HMRC and Dog Handlers – One Size Doesn’t Fit AllTomorrow, I’ll be on the HMRC webinar about security dog handlers and em...
02/03/2025

HMRC and Dog Handlers – One Size Doesn’t Fit All

Tomorrow, I’ll be on the HMRC webinar about security dog handlers and employment status, and I’ve got a few thoughts before it starts.

This industry has always had a mix of both self-employed and employed handlers—and there’s a clear distinction between the two.

Some handlers are 100% employed—no doubt about it. They turn up to work, use a company dog, company vehicle, company training, and equipment, and get paid as an employee. That’s employment.

But for many of us, it’s a self-employed industry—and always has been. Handlers are paying for their own dogs, initial and ongoing training, vehicles, fuel, equipment, insurance, and vet fees. They take financial risk, work multiple contracts, and are responsible for running their own operation.

If you turn up to work with your own dog, in your own vehicle, after investing thousands into your setup, how does that not meet HMRC’s own definition of self-employment?

Now, many handlers who have always been self-employed are being forced onto PAYE zero-hours contracts, but here’s the kicker:
🔹 They’re not actually earning more—it’s the same hourly rate.
🔹 They can no longer deduct business expenses—so costs like travel, fuel, accommodation, and kit now come straight out of their pocket.
🔹 They’re in a worse financial position than before, despite doing the exact same job.

So why is HMRC forcing handlers into PAYE, when one cap doesn’t fit all?

I get that HMRC is cracking down on "disguised employment" across different industries, but handlers don’t fit that category. This industry has always been made up of freelancers who run their own setups.

I’m interested to hear what HMRC has to say, but this doesn’t seem right or fair to me.

What do you think? Should dog handlers be self-employed, employed, or does it depend on the setup?

📣 Join us for an informative webinar with HMRC on 04 March 2025.

The aim of the webinar is to provide guidance on how HMRC rules apply to supplying security with dogs.

➡️ Why attend this webinar?

Many security companies supply security operatives with dogs (dog handlers / K9) to their customers under contract. Such operatives are often supplied to the customer by another party on behalf of the contracted business or individual.

By attending the live webinar, you can refresh your knowledge about HMRC’s guidance on how HMRC rules apply to supplying security with dogs and what this means for tax and national insurance. A representative from HMRC will be present and there will be an opportunity to ask questions at the end of the webinar.

➡️ Who should join?

Everyone is welcome to join; however, the following audience may find the webinar particularly useful.

◻️ Individuals or any business that supplies a customer with security operatives with a dog (dog handler/ K9) either supplied directly by that individual or business or supplied to the customer by another party.
◻️Security operatives working with dogs, who undertake designated licensable activity with the relevant SIA sector licence.

💻 Where: Microsoft Teams (joining instructions will be sent closer to the date)
📆 When: Tuesday 4th March
⏰ Time: 11:00 am - 12:00 pm

🔗 Register your interest on the following link: https://orlo.uk/ymba6

I'm sharing one           every Sunday.  .Pic  #21: 2000-2001 – The Lost Years, Canary IslandsIn 2000, life took a turn—...
02/03/2025

I'm sharing one every Sunday. .

Pic #21: 2000-2001 – The Lost Years, Canary Islands

In 2000, life took a turn—not for the better. I’d just unexpectedly come back from the Philippines, where I’d spent five years building a security training business specialising in canine and other security-related disciplines. It was successful for a number of years, but overnight it all came crashing down.

I was young and naive. I trusted people. I thought everyone was my friend. I learned a tough lesson—the hard way. But we’ll leave that story for another day.

Needing a break from everything, I jumped on a plane to the Canary Islands, looking for a fresh start and a way to escape. For almost two years I had absolutely nothing to do with security or dogs. And you know what? Those two years were some of the happiest of my life. No stress, no pressure—just living in the moment, enjoying life for what it was.

But by night? Well, let’s just say I accidentally found myself on stage more than once. Karaoke, open mics, the occasional bit of encouragement (or heckling) from holidaymakers—I fully embraced my unofficial role as the Canary Islands’ least promising music act. The bars were full (mostly because they served alcohol), and while there was no record deal, I gave it my best. Tom Jones was never in any real danger, but I like to think Simon Cowell would have at least admired my confidence.

Then, on September 11th, 2001, I was sat in a bar, watching the Twin Towers fall. It was one of those moments in life we all remember—everyone knows exactly where they were that day. But for me, it was more than just a memory. It was a turning point. I knew I had a place and a job to do. I needed to get back into the game.

That might sound corny, but it’s the truth.

By 2002, I was back in the UK and working within the security dog industry. Soon after, I was off to Iraq. I’d had my break, but I couldn’t escape forever. Security—and the dogs—were like a magnet, pulling me back. A world away from dodgy karaoke nights and bar crowds, but in hindsight, those two years were part of the journey 🙂.

**"Right then, back again with another instalment of Bandit & Simon’s weekend adventures! We’ve taken you to some tricky...
02/03/2025

**"Right then, back again with another instalment of Bandit & Simon’s weekend adventures! We’ve taken you to some tricky spots before, but this one? This one’s a doddle. Nick McAllister, should be able to pinpoint it without reaching for an OS map!

Now, for all you keen-eyed Gavin & Stacey fans, this should be an absolute giveaway. If you don’t get it, well… you need to go home, sit yourself down with a nice cup of tea (or a lager if you’re Uncle Bryn), and rewatch the series immediately.

Clue? Alright… what’s occurin’? Or as Nessa would say, ‘Oh, what’s occurin’?’ If that still doesn’t help, I dunno what to say… I am flabbergasted, quite frankly. Stace, I am!

So, where are we?"**

🚨 SPONSORS NEEDED – HELP TRAIN A LOCAL SCOUT TO PROTECT AFRICA’S WILDLIFE! 🚨📍 Zimbabwe | September 2025Train One. Inspir...
02/03/2025

🚨 SPONSORS NEEDED – HELP TRAIN A LOCAL SCOUT TO PROTECT AFRICA’S WILDLIFE! 🚨

📍 Zimbabwe | September 2025

Train One. Inspire Many. Protect Wildlife.

We’re looking for sponsors to fund a local scout or ranger to attend the NASDU (National Association of Security Dog Users) Overseas Endorsed International Tracker Dog Handler Course in Zimbabwe this September.

This isn’t just about training one person—it’s about enhancing the skills of those already protecting Africa’s wildlife and creating a ripple effect.

✅ £3,500 fully funds one local trainee, covering their training, accommodation, meals, certification, and transportation to the training centre (as they could be based anywhere in Zimbabwe).
✅ The trainee will work with and handle trained tracking dogs alongside experienced tracking dog handlers who have previously trained with us and are now actively working in the field.
✅ They will train alongside paying international learners, gaining exposure to new skills, cultures, and perspectives.
✅ The course includes live anti-poaching patrols, where trainees take part in managed, carefully controlled operations to remove active snares and disrupt poaching activity safely.
✅ This is real-world training, where experienced rangers enhance their abilities, share knowledge, and bring back advanced techniques to their teams.
✅ It’s a life-changing opportunity, not just for the individual but for their community, conservation efforts, and the future of wildlife protection in Zimbabwe.

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💡 Tiered Sponsorship – Every Contribution Helps!

We understand that £3,500 may not be achievable for everyone, so we offer multiple sponsorship levels to allow more people and businesses to support this cause.

🥉 Bronze Sponsor (£500+)

Featured in media materials and online content before, during, and after the course.

Your logo included where appropriate.

🥈 Silver Sponsor (£1,000+)

All Bronze Sponsor benefits.

Additional mention in social media posts and course-related newsletters.

Your logo featured in select promotional content.

🖤 Gold Sponsor (£2,000+)

All Silver Sponsor benefits.

A verbal mention in media content.

Your logo placed on select training materials and presentation slides.

🥇 Platinum Sponsor (£3,000+)

All Gold Sponsor benefits.

Your logo featured on digital and printed certificates issued to all course attendees.

Priority logo placement in social media and video content.

🏆 Elite Sponsor (£3,500 – Fully Funds One Trainee!)

All Platinum Sponsor benefits.

One-on-one feature interview in media content.

The opportunity to join us in the field and see your sponsored trainee in action (flights and food not included).

Personalised certificate of appreciation for display in your workplace.

🔹 All sponsors receive permanent logo placement on our promotional banner, which is used for all future courses.

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💡 Not Just for Businesses – Anyone Can Contribute!

This isn’t just corporate sponsorship—individuals can also support. Whether you’d like to remain anonymous or be publicly acknowledged, every contribution makes a difference.

What happens if we don’t reach full sponsorship for a trainee?

All funds are pooled into our sponsorship fund. Once we hit £3,500, we fund a full place.

If full sponsorship isn’t reached, funds will be used to support conservation efforts directly, such as improving training facilities, dog care, equipment, uniforms, and transportation for trainees from remote areas.

Every donation, big or small, plays a role in protecting Zimbabwe’s wildlife.

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👉 If you or your organisation are interested in sponsoring a place, please get in touch!

📧 [email protected]
🌍 WWW.SIMONMALLIN.COM

By training one, we empower many. Together, we can equip and support those protecting Africa’s wildlife. Will you be part of this? 🐾🌍

YOU CAN HELP BY SIMPLY COMMENTING LIKING AND SHARING THIS POST.

Weekend Jaunts with Bandit!Alright, South Walians—who’s got a keen eye? Where are we? What’s that in the background? Let...
01/03/2025

Weekend Jaunts with Bandit!

Alright, South Walians—who’s got a keen eye? Where are we? What’s that in the background? Let’s see who really knows their stuff!

And before anyone starts WhatsApping me with work-related stuff today—don’t. Don’t expect a reply. I won’t be responding to anything until Monday morning.

And for the record—please email. Don’t WhatsApp. You know who you are. ☺ Ha ha ha.

Oh, and just to mention—it’s March 1st, so as far as I’m concerned, that means spring is here! It also happens to be St. David’s Day, and I’m in Wales, on an absolutely stunning day. Couldn’t get much better, really.

Come on then, who’s got this one?

Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus! 🏴🐉That’s Happy St. David’s Day to all you wonderful people—whether you’re in Wales or somewhere fa...
01/03/2025

Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus! 🏴🐉

That’s Happy St. David’s Day to all you wonderful people—whether you’re in Wales or somewhere far, far away where they don’t serve proper Welsh cakes! 1st March is a day for celebrating Wales, our history, our culture, and our absolute refusal to pronounce place names in a way that outsiders can understand.

Who was St. David?

Well, Dewi Sant was a 6th-century monk, preacher, and patron saint of Wales. He lived simply, performed miracles, and famously told his followers to “Gwnewch y pethau bychain” (Do the little things). Wise words—because sometimes, little things make the biggest difference.

Why the Daffodil? 🌼

If you’re wondering why we all suddenly start wearing daffodils today, it’s because they’re one of Wales’ national symbols. Historically, the leek was the original emblem (allegedly worn by Welsh soldiers in battle). But at some point, someone must have decided that wearing a daffodil smells better than a leek, and here we are.

Proudly Welsh! ❤️

I’m born and bred in Cardiff, the capital city of Wales, and my business is Welsh through and through. Today’s a day to celebrate our language, our music, our food, and our ability to support a rugby team that consistently breaks our hearts but keeps us coming back for more.

How to Celebrate St. David’s Day Like a True Welsh Person

✅ Wear a daffodil (or a leek if you’re feeling bold).
✅ Wish someone “Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus!” (Go on, give it a try!)
✅ Eat something properly Welsh—cawl, Welsh cakes, bara brith, lamb, or a massive fry-up with laverbread.
✅ Support Welsh businesses, Welsh culture, and anyone brave enough to try saying "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".
✅ Sing Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau loudly and proudly (bonus points if it makes someone cry).

Wherever you are in the world, be a little bit Welsh today. Because let’s be honest—being Welsh is brilliant.

Martyn’s Law: How It May Impact the UK Security Industry & BeyondDid You Know?Martyn’s Law, officially the Terrorism (Pr...
28/02/2025

Martyn’s Law: How It May Impact the UK Security Industry & Beyond

Did You Know?

Martyn’s Law, officially the Terrorism (Protection of Premises) Bill, is a proposed UK law aimed at enhancing security in publicly accessible locations. While its primary focus is venues and events, it may also influence security standards, training, and operational procedures across the private security sector.

But how far will it go?

What is Martyn’s Law?

Developed after the 2017 Manchester Arena attack, the bill aims to ensure venues are better prepared for terrorist threats through proportionate security measures.

It introduces two security tiers:

🔹 Standard Tier (100–799 capacity)

Basic terrorism risk assessments

Staff training on recognising threats

Emergency procedures

🔹 Enhanced Tier (800+ capacity)

Detailed risk assessments & security plans

Regular staff training

Physical security measures (e.g., bag searches)

(Source: UK Home Office, Martyn’s Law Factsheet)

Though the law applies directly to venues, its wider impact on private security and detection dog handlers is still evolving.

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When Will It Take Effect?

The Terrorism (Protection of Premises) Bill was introduced to Parliament on 12 September 2024 and is under review. The UK government has committed to passing the law, but no final date is confirmed.

(Source: UK Government, ProtectUK)

Many businesses and security providers are already reviewing their procedures in preparation for potential compliance requirements.

---

Could This Impact EDD Teams & Private Security?

Martyn’s Law does not mandate explosives detection dogs (EDD), but it does require proportionate security measures. This could increase demand for EDD teams.

Key industry questions include:

✅ Will new standards emerge for security providers in these environments?
✅ Could this law encourage an increase in demand for EDD teams in public spaces?
✅ Will private security firms increase counter-terrorism training?

What Should Security Professionals Be Considering?

While Martyn’s Law is under review, expectations around security standards are shifting.

Though there are no legal mandates, industry professionals are considering:

🔹 Event security providers—Assessing counter-terrorism training needs.
🔹 EDD teams—Reviewing deployment strategies in response to evolving security expectations.
🔹 Private security firms—Preparing for potential increases in training requirements.

🚨 This is not a legal requirement but an evolving industry discussion.

While Martyn’s Law does not regulate private security, it may influence expectations in high-profile venues.

Will Martyn’s Law Reshape Security Standards?

Will this law set a new precedent for higher security expectations across private security teams, training providers, and specialist units?

Or will its impact remain limited to venues legally required to comply?

One thing is certain—the conversation about security responsibilities is changing.

What do you think?

🚆 Public Transport Etiquette Debate: The Never-Ending Phone Call EditionCurrently on a train back from London, and I now...
27/02/2025

🚆 Public Transport Etiquette Debate: The Never-Ending Phone Call Edition

Currently on a train back from London, and I now know everything about the woman sat behind me. Her other half’s name, her work drama, what time she’s getting home—and even what’s for dinner tonight. ( most likely spaghetti bolognese, but they’re still debating it 🤬 )

We’re now at Bristol Parkway, and she hasn’t stopped talking since we left London. At this rate, I’ll have enough details to write her autobiography by the time we reach Cardiff.

This got me thinking… is there an unspoken code of conduct for phone calls on public transport?

🔹 Team "Just Life" – It’s 2025, people are busy, and sometimes calls need to happen. Public transport is public space—deal with it!

🔹 Team "Use Your Inside Voice" – Sure, make a call, but keep it brief and quiet. No one needs to hear about your shopping list or latest relationship drama.

🔹 Team "No Calls, Period" – Text, WhatsApp, or wait until you’re off the train. No one signed up for your personal podcast.

At this point, I’m debating whether to say something… but what’s the best approach?

1️⃣ The Polite Approach – “Excuse me, would you mind lowering your voice a little?” Some people genuinely don’t realise how loud they are.

2️⃣ The Passive-Aggressive Approach – Catch her eye, give a knowing smile, maybe throw in a sarcastic “Sorry, just struggling to follow the plot—who’s in the wrong here, you or your other half?”

3️⃣ The Direct Approach – “Sorry, but this whole carriage now knows what you’re having for dinner. Any chance you could take it down a notch?”

4️⃣ The Nuclear Option – Start commentating on her call. Repeat her words under your breath. Give reaction noises. Maybe even answer her questions as if you’re part of the conversation.

Or do I just suffer in silence until Cardiff? What would you do? And what’s the worst phone call you’ve ever been forced to endure on public transport? Drop your thoughts below! 👇

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