06/02/2019
Daddy has lost his car keys. This is obviously a major catastrophe, because Daddy is Busy And Important, but he can’t go to his office and be Busy And Important until his car keys are found.
Mummy is sick to death of being expected to find things, and has told Daddy to find his own bastarding keys. That’s OK though, because Daddy has a special method of looking for things, which involves stamping around the house in a thunderous temper having a massive tantrum and shouting at everybody and blaming them for the missing car keys.
Mummy says “Well, where did you last have them?”
Daddy claims there is no point looking in the place he last had them, because they won’t be there, because clearly someone has MOVED THEM and HIDDEN THEM.
Mummy says “Have you looked there anyway?”
Daddy ignores Mummy’s helpful suggestion and continues looking in random locations.
Mummy says “Why don’t you just use your spare car key?”
Daddy shouts that that is NOT THE POINT, he wants to FIND HIS KEY NOOOOOOOW!
Mummy considers giving Daddy a time out if he doesn’t stop acting like such a big fu***ng baby.
Mummy says “Have you checked your pockets?”
Daddy makes a dramatic show of looking in the pocket of a coat he has not worn in six months and then throwing it on the floor and howling “SEE? THEY ARE NOT IN ANY POCKETS! I am VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT and now I am going to be late for my BUSY IMPORTANTNESS because someone has stolen my car keys!”
Mummy thinks about telling Daddy that he is not too big to have his bottom smacked if he keeps behaving like this, but she is worried in case he might find he actually enjoys that and if Mummy wanted to be married to a sexual deviant, she would’ve married a Tory MP.
After another ten minutes of the shouting and stamping, Mummy can stand it no more and looks in the laundry basket for the jeans Daddy was wearing yesterday. Sure enough, there in the pocket is the fu***ng car key. There is also £40, which Mummy quietly pockets as her Finder’s Fee.
Daddy is ungrateful that Mummy has found his keys, and denies that he could have found them perfectly easily himself twenty minutes ago, if he had only taken Mummy’s advice. Daddy leaves the house muttering to himself about getting a gadget to find his car keys when Mummy hides them from him. Mummy mutters something about where he can stick his fu***ng gadgets, and his car keys.
Mummy is going to spend her £40 windfall on posh gin. Mummy is not going to share the posh gin with Daddy, but she may well brain him with the empty bottle when she has drunk it all.