22/05/2024
Hello world, I’m sorry I’ve not been in touch since Kevin and Piggles died. I really do appreciate all the lovely comments and kindness and will read your comments again soon.
❗️TRIGGER WARNING - MENTAL HEALTH & LOSS❗️
If you are unable to read then please just enjoy gorgeous Henrietta Floof.
I feel peaceful about losing Kevin, he was old and most certainly had a tumour given his rapid weightloss while still eating well. There was nothing could be done and he went to sleep so peacefully thanks to our lovely vet. But the loss of Piggles, the way it happened, not being with our usual vet, knowing he was suffering with a stone stuck in his urethra, being strongly advised by two exotics vets to PTS and having to rush the decision because of his acute state,not being with him, and then regretting it and desperately wishing I could have been with our own vet, not catching the issue in time which probably occurred on the Tuesday but because we were taking Kevin to be PTS I missed it, not being able to get the vision of Piggles straining and being unable to p*e out of my head, going to look at photos of him and finding I barely have any since being in emergency accommodation, not knowing when he last high-fived me because so much of our lives have been on hold, and then just breaking down completely, my heart shattered into a million pieces. It was too much, it was too much, it was too much.
I am living life by a thin thread, staying alive only thanks to a machine that makes me so ill four days a week, homeless, unable to home educate our son in part because we’re not allowed internet, living out of boxes because we weren’t allowed furniture, sleeping on awful beds, whilst dealing with disability including a severe back injury from the move, with a lack of access to most of my therapies and aids and most of our son’s therapies that support him through his autism, unable to use the shower, no heating, no oven, having to use a laundrette, unable to park the car anywhere near where we’re staying, it all adds up, especially when I’m so ill. I feel like I’m drowning, physically and mentally, then losing Piggles in the way we did, I went into an awful place. I spent a week repeating over and over and over and over inside of me every waking moment “I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.” I have actively had to fight against the dark thoughts in my mind. I couldn’t let go of Piggles, I had to lay him in his little coffin box with flowers and put him in the freezer, I had to turn off my grieving as much as I could until I was in a better place physically/practically. I couldn’t keep falling into the place it was taking me. I have tried to turn myself off completely in every way, and just keep breathing, somehow.
We go out for drives around during the day just to get me out, and I walk when I can, but the evenings feel so dark to me, not physically, but in terms of where my mind goes. I try to go to sleep but I immediately jump up in a panic of overwhelming grief, and it’s not just Piggles, it’s all the loss and abuse and trauma in my life, the preventable but now irreversible damage that has been done to my body by inappropriate health care, all that I try to push down inside me that culminates at the surface of my body and mind when I have nothing to fall back on, nothing to keep me afloat. My wildlife garden kept me afloat. A comfortable cozy bed kept me afloat. My piggy art kept me afloat. My toad patrols kept me afloat. My home therapies kept me afloat. Piggles kept me afloat. I just have a state of limbo with a scary and unknown future and a sinking ground beneath me. I could barely keep myself above water. But I keep going for my family and I keep caring for my piggies (they are never neglected in the slightest however low I am physically or emotionally) and remind myself that they all need me.
Last Friday we were finally given some hope when we were offered a permanent secure home which we move to this Friday. We’ve not been given any info about it, floor plan, photos, nothing, but we have to accept it. Thankfully, on driving around the estate, we think it will be great. I wanted to let you know this good news after three long months in emergency accommodation, but I felt I couldn’t just share the good without sharing where I’ve been recently mentally, it just wouldn’t reflect my life. I grind to a halt, I stop sharing piggy photos and updates, I shut myself off from the world, but I don’t want to, I want to be open and tell my story, and keep moving forward, but it takes so much strength to do so. I think the anticipation of the imminent move and being out of this hell has given me some motivation, but the move will be bitter sweet without Piggles.
