19/01/2025
Today I received an amazing email from a lovely client and her amazing GSD I worked with recently. She has written a brilliant blog about the experience and it is something she is happy for me to share. It is so well written and speaks volumes about how we can help our dogs and the bonds with have with them, by just stopping, listening and acting on the signals they give us. Please give this important blog a read and let me know your thoughts ........
[Quote] - "A Lesson from Puppy Training
Training my German Shepherd puppy Neo has taught me a profound lesson about the importance of genuine connection and responsiveness. German Shepherds are naturally strong and intelligent, even as puppies, but without proper training and connection, their potential to become dangerous or unmanageable increases significantly.
I recruited the support of a puppy behaviour specialist, an amazing woman called Laura who lives in the Borders and who understands dogs, as I have come to understand traumatised humans through my work as a therapist and life long student. It surprised me that despite my extensive knowledge on the subject of connection and attachment, I’d somehow managed to overlook the glaringly obvious when it came to my own puppy. I was guilty of justifying some undesirable behaviours as ‘he’s just a pup’ and quietly looking forward to when ‘he’s old enough to know better’ – oh, the irony! How will he learn to know better unless his caregiver (me), is teaching him! I hadn’t applied my teachings to my own situation – inadvertently leaving myself out of the judging.
This was a powerful realisation for me. With the best of intentions- our subconscious ‘default setting’ sneaks in unnoticed and unchecked. I was convinced I was paying attention to my puppy’s needs, and anyone watching from the outside would observe that too. Laura knew better by observing Neo’s behaviour – I came to realise during our first training session that actually, I was often in my head, distracted—thinking, analysing, and being hyper-vigilant while Neo was doing his thing —rather than fully present in the moment. Because of this, I’d been missing subtle cues of distress or connection-seeking behaviour from Neo which Laura picked up on.
When a puppy feels unsafe or disconnected, they enter survival mode just as humans do, which often manifests as hyperactivity, disobedience, or defiance. However, these behaviours are not deliberate acts of defiance; they are signals of unmet needs. The puppy is seeking connection and reassurance to feel secure. Without this sense of safety, the puppy cannot focus, respond appropriately, or learn effectively. This creates a cycle: the lack of connection leads to a lack of safety, which makes the puppy harder to train, further perpetuating the disconnect.
This dynamic mirrors what happens in human relationships, particularly during early childhood – a subject I’m proficient in and passionate about.
Just as a disconnected puppy becomes unmanageable and hard to train, a child whose emotional signals are overlooked or misunderstood will often display “difficult” behaviours. These behaviour’s—whether they look like tantrums, withdrawal, or hyperactivity—are survival-driven attempts to seek connection, safety, and regulation. When these needs remain unmet, the child adapts by developing survival strategies such as hyper-independence, people-pleasing, or emotional detachment, which can persist into adulthood and affect their relationships, sense of self, and behaviour.
Connection, Safety, and the Foundation of Secure Attachment
Reflecting on my experience with my Neo, several parallels emerge between training animals and fostering healthy human attachment:
Connection Builds Safety:
Genuine connection requires presence—observing cues, understanding needs, and responding appropriately. For both dogs and humans, this connection creates a sense of safety, allowing them to relax, trust, and learn.
Survival Mode Hinders Learning
When an individual feels unsafe—whether it’s a puppy or a child—they cannot focus, regulate emotions, or absorb new information. Instead, they remain in a reactive state, where survival needs take precedence over cooperation or growth.
The Responsibility of the Caregiver:
Just as a strong, intelligent dog like a German Shepherd requires consistent training to prevent becoming unmanageable or dangerous, a child’s emotional well-being depends on attentive caregiving to foster secure attachment. Without this, survival-driven behaviours can dominate, leading to relational challenges in adulthood.
Connecting It All Together
This experience has strengthened my understanding that many behaviours labelled as “difficult,” whether in animals or humans, are rooted in unmet needs rather than intentional defiance. A puppy in survival mode isn’t hyper and disobedient because they are “bad”—they are seeking connection to feel safe. Similarly, children whose needs are not met develop survival strategies that reflect their lack of connection and safety.
These insights reinforce my previous blog points about the profound impact of insecure attachment and unmet needs:
Unmet Needs Create Core Beliefs:
Like the puppy interpreting a lack of connection as a threat, children internalise neglect or misattunement as “There must be something wrong with me,” shaping their self-image and behaviours.
Survival Mode Fuels Behavioural Traits:
The hyperactivity, withdrawal, or neediness seen in survival-driven individuals mirrors behaviours in animals that feel unsafe. Dr. Peter Levines trauma work centres around animals. These patterns are not flaws but adaptations to their environment.
Connection as the Path to Change:
Whether with a puppy or a child, building trust and connection is the key to breaking survival-driven cycles. Only when safety is established can learning, growth, and healing take place.
This real-life example with Neo has been instrumental in deepening my understanding of attachment, survival mode, and the profound importance of genuine connection—not just for animals, but for humans too.
If proof of the importance of connection were needed, it can be observed in Neo’s behaviour. In less than a week our relationship has become stronger. I’m no longer getting my frustrations with Neo not doing as I’d like, because I understand what he needs from me – the joy I feel as a result of this wonderful friendship is difficult to articulate – I love him 🙏" [unquote]
