19/11/2025
"Don't tell your dog 'it's okay' when they're upset"
A popular trainer recently posted a reel with this advice, and I received a follower request to address it - I won't link it here to prevent giving him any more eyes on his content than he already has!
This trainer's argument was that dogs respond to 'energy' and body language, and that if you are worried about your dog you will make their anxiety worse.
Beyond the fact that 'energy' is vague, not measurable, and subjective, giving advice that essentially boils down to 'just don't be anxious' is entirely unhelpful. We care deeply about our pets; we don't want them to be in distress, and we may have our own fears about safety issues if they're being reactive - those feelings are valid. And let's not ignore the fact that "your anxiety is making your dog worse" is most often said to women.
If our anxiety gave our dogs anxiety, psychiatric service dogs wouldn't exist - but they do, and they're very good at their jobs!
The reason saying 'it's okay' and stroking your dog while they're having a reaction doesn't really help isn't because they're feeding off of your energy or that you're 'reinforcing their fear' - it's just that it isn't a sufficient substitute for a training plan. Doing that might help reassure your dog, which is always a good thing - but it probably won't be enough reassurance for them to really stop feeling threatened. You need to teach them ACTUAL skills - how to self-regulate, how to increase distance when they need it without barking and lunging, how to communicate when they're uncomfortable, and how to trust that you'll keep them safe.
In the absence of any other strategies available to you, it's perfectly okay to comfort your dog and reassure them. You won't be doing any harm by doing so. If you find yourself reaching for that all the time and you don't know what else to do, then get in touch and let's create a real training plan and skills you can start building to better navigate those moments!