14/03/2025
This is a topic I feel itâs important to share and itâs not talked about enough. Reactive dog grief is that feeling of loss when you have a reactive dog. That moment you realise that your dog is different and gone are those romanticised walks in the parks. It hurts, itâs tough, and many of us would be lying if didnât admit that at times, we even resent the dogs we love so much, because of the limitations they have imposed on us.
Shock / Denial
As dog owners weâre often outgoing people. We have a dog to share our life with, to go out on long walks, have picnics in the park and pub lunches. Some of us have an idea of the life we want for our dog when theyâre a puppy or before the puppy is even born. Our next dog will come everywhere, letâs take them on holidays, theyâre going to be an agility dog etc.
Then as they start to grow, we see a few early warning signs that most of us pass off as âpuppy behaviourâ itâll pass. Then it becomes âwell theyâre a teenager; itâs hormonesâ but thereâs a voice in our heads that knows itâs far more that that; yet we deny it. My dog isnât aggressive, my dog isnât âone of thoseâ, my dog would never bite, my dog doesnât need a muzzle people will think theyâre nastyâŚbut were often fooling ourselves.
Anger / Frustration
Then comes the anger / frustration as it gets worse not better. âWhy canât you be like a ânormalâ dog / our last dog.â, or that Disney idea of the âfamily dogâ.
Our frustration can take us to quick fixes that often make the problem worse, or we start to hide from the world and become the antisocial dog walker, up at 5am to walk the dog and 11 pm, no lunchtime or afternoon park walks for us. We start to bargain with how reactive they are. Theyâre not aggressive just âgrumpyâ, or âsorry sheâs a bit unpredictableâ. We feel guilty, have we caused this?
Bargaining / Guilt
They say âThereâs no bad dogs; only bad ownersâ we tried so hard where did we go wrong?
Often you didnât this guilt is misplaced, itâs not you, sometimes it really is your dog. They could have underlying medical condition, developmental problem, or even poor genetics. Sure, thereâs always things you could have done differently, but often even with the best knowledge some dogs are just born this way.
Experimenting
In this stage you may have found help, someone whoâs positive and force free and is helping you rehabilitate your dog and explaining the underlying emotions that are helping to drive your dogâs behaviour. But thereâs no quick fix, and the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.
Depression / I canât do this
We start to feel depressed, we hide, we avoid conversations on a walk as our dogs wonât allow us to get close to others. We dread the âfriendlyâ dogs that come charging across the field as we panic thinking am I going to have to deal with a dog fight, what do I do? What if my dog gets injured or they injure another dog? We start to lose hope, this is it, itâs who they are. I canât do this, the training isnât working, itâs not progressing fast enough.
Moving on / finding new approaches
Then we look at our dogs and we see that spark of hope, they calmed down quicker, their reactivity was less intense, thereâs hope. You start to really take on the advice and work out your distances, prepare your walks like a military operation, muzzles, treats and toys at the ready. This is your dog, theyâre special and you have a bond now that very few can understand. You work as a team now; youâve accepted this is who they are, and they struggle in many situations but having you with them helps. They gradually feel safer with you and become less reactive, you find new hobbies, scent games, and other activities on a walk. You often feel like you take two steps forward and one step backâŚbut you keep going.
Living with and rehabilitating a reactive dog is tough, itâs isolating, but youâre not alone. Theyâre with you and thereâs so many others who are alone but with you on this journey.
Acceptance
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