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Billy Jack the Donkey

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Arcadia, FL
Billy Jack the Donkey

I run a ranch here in Florida, where I have lots of odd friends to push around and har"ass".

12/04/2023

Seeking one night stand…possibly two because I have two lamps.

12/03/2023

Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?

Ass skin for a friend.

12/03/2023

What’s the best present you can give as a gift?
A broken drum…nobody can beat that.

12/02/2023

If plastic is made out of petroleum, and petroleum is made out of fossils, and fossils are dinosaurs, then plastic dinosaurs are real dinosaurs. Well, there it is!

12/01/2023

Okay Sally Jane, don't take crap from no one...you can kick, bite, or stomp the daylights out of anything or anybody. Don't accuse, leave a bruise...don't cry, kill the guy...if you can't handle the situation, come get daddy and stand aside.

11/30/2023

As it turns out, today is Stay Home Because You’re Well Day and National Mason Jar Day…all these hillbillies get all excited about National Mason Jar Day…it must have something to do with apple pie.

11/30/2023

I’m skipping Black Friday…my dislike for people outweighs my love of stuff…plus this cooler weather makes my nose run…and that’s snot funny with a nose like this.

11/29/2023

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines…he’s a singer/songwriter…or sew it seams.

11/28/2023

Who wants to go to Disney World for free? We just form a huge caravan and demand entrance for free...be sure to put the kids, calves and colts up front. Oh, and be sure you go to the Southern gate, they will help you right in.

11/27/2023

I don't want to end the year on bad terms with anyone...so apologize to me.

11/26/2023

Yesterday I swallowed food coloring...I'm okay, but I feel like I dyed inside. And don't this take the cake? Today is National Cake Day and I don't see a carrot cake on the place, but there seems to be an abundance of pumpkin pie and pecan pie, so it ain’t all bad.

11/25/2023

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...we'll see about that!"

11/24/2023

Since you stuffed yourself like a big fattening pig yesterday, what do you say you throttle it back a little and have a salad today.

11/23/2023

I bet all you glutens are thankful for elastic about right now.

11/23/2023

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for carrots and apples and freedom to roam. If you don't have a place to enjoy a meal, I've got a few extra places here at the tailgate.

11/23/2023

Well let's see...I'm thankful for apples, carrots, and flowers. I'm not talking about them purdy flowers, I'm talking about the kind you eat...but not those pansies, they remind me of lazy, spineless slackers, that think I owe them something. On second thought, I'm thankful for not having to see little slacker pansies and their snowflake parents...never mind, now I'm just mad and hungry. I'll get back to you on that thankful part.

11/22/2023

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting…I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

11/21/2023

For anybody else that’s getting coal for Christmas, maybe we can link up and get the grill going or something.

11/20/2023

Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.

11/19/2023

How did ONE hour make it go from dark at 9:00PM to dark at 6:00 PM…somebody’s lying.

11/18/2023

I don’t understand…But I also don’t care…So it works out.

11/18/2023

Today is Mickey Mouse's Birthday...seriously now, what does big ears Mickey have that I don't?

11/17/2023

I hear that people will hang themselves if you give them enough rope…here, hold this for me.

11/15/2023

So you’re scared of spiders…but will argue with a man that’s 6’ 5” tall and weighs 225 lbs.

11/13/2023

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning…I must have been sleep wokking again.

11/12/2023

Some days I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots…other days, I realize it’s not just some days.

11/11/2023

Well Cupcake, why don't you just reach down there and pull up your big boy britches and grow up. You ain't out there in a foxhole with live ammo flying over your head from an enemy you can't even communicate with...you're not navigating an amphibious landing craft through hostile fire to deliver soldiers into harms way to take a freakin' piece of land you can't pronounce...you’re not a tail gunner in an airship, just barely able to fly, because it's shot all to heck and taking enemy fire...you’re not traveling through desert conditions wearing a pack so heavy most others couldn't even get it off the ground...you're not going house to house, in a foreign land, looking for a coward terrorist willing to blow your asses to kingdom come...you’re not going to a birthday party with a bunch of snotty nosed kids who are trying to pin a tail on you hind end...so quit your crying, go to your safe place, and shut your pie hole, you bunch of pansies...my old buddy Rufus would bust your ass for accepting this behavior as normal...you step on, or burn the flag in front of me and one of us is going to the hospital. This is still the finest nation on the face of the earth, so do something constructive. It’s Veterans Day, show some respect. If any of this offends you, maybe you need to think about the fact that you are listening to an ass.

11/10/2023

For anyone who thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen…remember…that’s where the knives are kept.

11/09/2023

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it…It’s true…I saw it with my own eyes.

11/08/2023

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life…I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

11/05/2023

It’s 5:48 PM...now what?

11/05/2023

Well...It happened again...that lazy rancher was an hour late with my breakfast...he says it's because it's that time of the year again, you know, set your clocks back an hour...makes me realize that old native Indian was right, only a white man would think you could cut a couple inches off the top of a blanket, sew them on the bottom, and think you had a longer blanket. This time change stuff makes me wonder why us donkeys aren't in charge.

11/03/2023

I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo…seems like a very low amount of rodeos.

11/02/2023

I hate it when I go to hug someone really good looking and my face hits the mirror.

11/02/2023

Why can’t skeleton musicians play at church?
Because they have no organs.

11/02/2023

It’s exercise time with C**t and Shug

11/01/2023

I’m trying to stop being mean…but it’s like, y’all have to stop being stupid first.

10/31/2023

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irene.
Irene who?
Irene and Irene but still no one answers the door!

How stupid is it to celebrate National Doorbell Day, National Knock Knock Joke Day, and Halloween on the same day? That's a whole lot of knockin,' ringin,' and beggin' for one day.

10/31/2023

Burger King and several other fast food joints are raving how they can make plant matter taste like beef…cows have been doing that since forever…if you are really into plant based foods, why not try a salad? Hay (not hey), I eat salads everyday.

10/31/2023

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

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Arcadia, FL
34269

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