10/01/2024
Sometimes, Eleanor Langthorne shows up to work really tired after a long weekend at shows, and she really doesn't do anything I say. She says something about -- putting out other fires, working on the schedule, or whatever else she thinks she needs to do.
She tells me she would rather go eat her lunch instead of calling more clients or walking a dog. I mean, come onā I told her, āEleanor, you work for me! I asked you to walk the dog, so you should walk the dog!ā
But no. Apparently, Eleanor has a life, and feelings, and boundaries. Itās outrageous, right? I should just demand she power through. If I really wanted to, I could pressure her with the threat of losing her job or some other disciplinary action until she complies. She'd get the task done, sureābut how would that work for us long term?
Stay with me here, folksā First of all, I probably made you pretty mad if you started reading this if you thought I was serious. You probably remember an employer who did act this way, or maybe a parent, or a teacher-- or someone in some authority position demanding perfection in your compliance to their--- errr, I won't go there...
I could get what I want in the moment, but over time, the more I push her to ignore her own needs to meet mine, the more she'd start to resent the work, avoid tasks, and maybe even look for an out. That relationship would crumble. She wouldn't feel valued, and the trust would erode between us.
I mean, come on, can you imagine if I just expected perfection from her every single day? Sheād be a robot! Something would be seriously wrong if she didn't occasionally push back or need a break. Eleanor isnāt here to be an automaton doing my biddingāsheās here as a human, with her own life, energy levels, needs, and responsibilities. Just like, you know, our dogs. And... it would only last for so long.
Wait, what? You thought this was just about Eleanor? Nah, this lesson goes deeper.
When we train dogs, we often get caught up in wanting them to do exactly what we say right nowāsit, stay, heel. And if they don't, we get frustrated. We apply pain for complete compliance. But guess what? Our dogs, like Eleanor, have their own needs. Maybe they're tired, maybe theyāre scared, maybe theyāre distracted by something incredibly exciting outside that we canāt even sense.
We can force compliance in the moment, sureāthrough punishments or exerting controlābut what happens to our long-term relationship with our dog if we constantly dismiss their feelings and needs? They stop trusting us. They stop being happy to work with us. They shut down. Our bond weakens, and suddenly that joyful partnership becomes strained, just like it would with any employee, friend, or partner.
The truth is, dogs, like humans, arenāt robots. They have their own emotional landscape, and their needs donāt disappear just because we want them to act a certain way right now. We can get on the same page, but it takes work, understanding, and mutual respect. When it comes to safety or situations where we need our dogs to behave, it's not about exerting powerāit's about working with them, understanding their limits, and finding ways to meet both our needs, by using management (leashes, fences, etc).
Now, I know what youāre thinking. "But Kara, my dog chews my shoes!" or "My dog ignores me when I ask them to come!" And I get itāthat's frustrating! But what if, instead of seeing these moments as defiance, we see them as moments where their needs arenāt aligned with ours? When a dog chews, maybe they need more mental stimulation or comfort. When a dog ignores a recall, maybe they feel too excited or overwhelmed.
The key is this: weāre not asking for perfection from our dogsājust like Iām not asking Eleanor to be some sort of productivity robot. If she showed up completely ready to do anything I say every single day with a smile plastered on her face, something would be seriously off. Dogs and humans alike need rest, boundaries, and the occasional moment to just be themselves.
What really strengthens any relationshipāwhether with an employee, a friend, or a dogāisnāt demanding compliance. Itās recognizing that we both have needs, and the work comes in when we have to figure out how to live our best lives together.
So, next time your dog (or your Eleanor!) doesnāt do exactly what you ask right away, take a pause. Are their needs being met? Can we approach this moment with empathy instead of control? I promise, the long-term benefits will be worth itāfor both of you.
Our model of dog training has been broken for a bit. Commands and cues and direction from an outside source isn't our goal together. A calm, regulated, needs-met version of your dog is. One with the ability to be frustrated with you, work with you, laugh with you, dance with you, and sometimes be mad at you. Isn't that what our relationships are all about?
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Behavior modification can be rooted in working on behaviors. That's for sure a piece of the puzzle here and there- just like working on our communication is essential for any sort of human: human relationship. But, when we're asking for compliance under threats, warnings, and demands, the outcome is often not what we're there for.
PS: She doesn't know I wrote this but I think she's going to get a good laugh when she's done teaching the internship. We don't rule this way in this work-- we're a group of purpose-driven people working under one roof towards a common goal.
