04/16/2024
I need to vent. As a Veteran that 100% service connected for PTSD sexual trauma, harassment and the list could go on. I am HYPERVIGILANTE. It totally sucks. My house and yard are my safety zone. Well, almost. Outside my privacy fence I hear a slamming door every single time they let their dogs out. Then they bark the entire time. I am thankful that it isn’t longer than approximately an hour, give or take. But then I once again I hear the door slam. My heart kind of catches and the back of my throat clenches every single time. I wish I could ignore it. I wish I didn’t have a physical reaction from that fight or flight response. I wish I could open my front door so I can look out and enjoy the front of my house. The hummingbirds and butterflies amaze me. But the neighbor cats like to use my flower bed for their litter box. This will be my 4th year of this. A prisoner in my own home where I cannot let my defenses down and enjoy my life. My pets will get into fights because they get worked up with the cats jumping onto a screen. Sitting on my front door step. I have tried everything possible. I even moved all of the mulch from the front over to the property line so their litter box wasn’t by my windows and doors. Nope…didn’t work. This time the bulbs were dug out and p**p deposited in the hole. It is no secret it bothers me. I should not have to clean up after their cats. I feel horrible when those cats are left outside overnight when it is a fact that coyotes come very close to town. I am sure they say they love them. But when they are out of sight out of mind I wonder if that love is real. I did tried to please keep the cat out of my flower beds at least until the bulbs come up. I said the next step will be a fence and I am not paying for it. They said do I have proof. Well. I have two camera out front so yes I do. They said call the sheriff you have to leave now. Let me add, the son came out with his pitbull on a leash when he was making it seem like I was in the wrong. It is my house. Those are my flower beds. I planted $155 worth of bulbs and want to enjoy my sanctuary. Then another neighbors child walked by flipping me off. A bully in the making. I am now scared. I tried to stand up for myself. I failed!!!! Now I can’t stop crying. I do not feel safe. I even went out after it stopped raining and detached my backyard. Trying to distract myself. Boy did I cry. The tears just don’t stop. My dog is very smart and with not much training is very good at coming to my aid. The only affection I ever receive is from my pets. Definitely people. I need to feel hugs. Words are empty without physical touch for me. But…..I can’t make myself vulnerable because the minute I do and try to step out of my safety zone I am slammed right back into tears. Those two cats are not the only cats. Another neighbor got a kitten and now I have that one in my front yard. There is two others but I have no clue who they belong to. There is so much more that happens in this small town where community is important. Well, if you read the paper or follow Facebook it seems that way. But I have never felt welcomed. I even had a nasty note put in my mailbox. It is a horrible feeling to feel not wanted. I had someone scream at me telling me that everyone can’t wait for me to leave this town. So….it isn’t my imagination of not feeling safe. I do not understand how people can be so uncaring of a veteran with PTSD. I am isolated!
