11/17/2022
THE A-Z OF CAT OWNERSHIP
(Author Unknown)
A is for A**S. Dear lord, you will see so much a**s.
B is for BED. Not the premium cat bed that you frittered away vast amounts of money on only for them to take one look of utter disdain at it and never go near it again. B is for your bed, which by association is now their bed. Particularly if you made some kind of grandiose sweeping statement that cats would never be allowed on your bed. Lolz.
C is for CAT FOOD. Which you may, not unreasonably, believe is the purpose-made cans or sachets in your cupboard. No. This is wrong. Cat food is anything in your house your cat decides it wants to eat. If it's something you yourself were hoping to eat, then so much the better.
D is for DI*********ES. Google it.
E is for EMBARRASSMENT, which is an emotion that you feel on a regular basis as a cat owner, as they saunter into the lounge where you're sitting with guests and sit down on full public view to loudly clean their ar****le.
F is for FLEAS. Which are the only thing about having a cat more di***sh than the cat itself.
G is for GODS. These are not cats, you see, these are gods: and you are fu***ng lucky that they have chosen you to be their slaves and attend to their every whim. Fail to bow down and worship at your peril.
H is for HIDING PLACES. Your cat will have many of these, all carefully selected to cause you maximum panic when you can't find them for an extended period of time; before they casually stroll into the room like nothing had ever happened.
I is for ICE CREAM, and other food that cats definitely shouldn't eat, but you better believe they're going to be eating if they can get their grubby little paws on it.
J is for JUMPING UP and demonstrating unexpected amounts of affection. This is almost always reserved for the person in the room who least likes cats.
K is for KITTENS. Like cats, but smaller, s**ttier, and able to fast track destruction on a scale like you wouldn't believe.
L is for LITTER TRAYS. Which are only ever to be used with your arse extended firmly over the outside edge in order for you to smugly s**t directly on the floor.
M is for MOULTING FUR, absolutely fu***ng everywhere.
N is for NEIGHBORHOOD CATS, which will result in a daily Mexican standoff taking place atop your fence panels, complete with aggressive hissing and general diva-esque behaviour.
O is for OPENING DOORS. Ninety eight percent of cat ownership is opening doors that your cat will refuse to go through.
P is for P**S. Cat p**s, specifically: which smells like nothing on earth, particularly when you discover it on your sofa, down your favourite cashmere jumper, and inside your handbag.
Q is for QUASIPSYCHOTIC, which suitably describes every cat that I have ever known and loved.
R is for ROBBING, THIEVING BASTARDS, which is what you will shout at them as they make off with the ham sandwich you'd just prepared for your lunch.
S is for SACRIFICES. Which they will make to you in the form of dead birds and rodents, dragged into the house for your viewing pleasure, and there is truly no sensation like the sensation of stepping into a half eaten rat in bare feet when you get up at 2am for a wee.
T is for TOYS. No, not the toys you've lovingly selected for your cat, which they will never touch. The toys they will choose to play with will be something far more exciting: such as a whole full sized Christmas tree, or a live electric wire. Di*****ds.
U is for UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOUR, which is basically a cat's default approach to everything, ever.
V is for VOMITING. Always over your very favourite possessions; usually just at the point visitors are about to arrive.
W is for WORMING YOUR CAT. If you've ever watched Total Wipeout: this is a reasonably accurate representation of what worming a cat is like.
X is for X RAYS. If your cat, like mine, favours being a total fu***ng liability, then you will find the insurance you necessarily put in place to cover their vet bills will be approximately the same monthly cost as your mortgage or rent payments.
Y is for YOWLING. YOWLING like the world has ended, to the point that they can be heard at the other end of the street. Almost always reserved for those moments when you are asleep; having s*x; or on a really important work Zoom call.
Z is for ZZZZZZZZ, when they momentarily take you off guard by climbing onto your lap and curling up purring as they fall asleep looking for all the world like the most loving and affectionate creature possible, as opposed to the utter dicks that they truly are 😂