05/19/2023
The Person on the Other End of the Leash...
I have been a small animal vet for many years and have worked with thousands of wonderful pet caretakers and their pets. Like most vets, my job is to help the pet. The caretaker's job is to help the pet. This is good but it misses the big picture, the experience that the pet caretaker is having and the effects on them.
Just think about this for a moment, how much time is spent focusing on you, the pet caretaker and how you are doing with this experience? If you are not, you are missing the purpose of the entire experience. We are conditioned to believe that the experience we are having with a sick pet is all about the pet, but it is not. I tell my clients if it was not an experience for you, it would be happening to the lady across the street.
Every experience we have, especially the tough experiences are opportunities to grow. Opportunities to learn who we really are. And, nothing is tougher than working with a beloved pet who has cancer, epilepsy, end stage organ failure or other life threatening diseases.
When we are presented with this experience, we are conditioned to respond in fear and proceed down a fearful pathway that leads us to nothing but more fear. We spend our time with chaotic thoughts about the past and the imaginary future and spend almost no time whatsoever in the present moment and the present moment is the only thing that is real. Everything comes forward out of the present moment.
We start out focused on the love that we have for our pet and what we need to do to help her. As time goes by, the persistent fearful thoughts and hurtful emotions take their toll and there is a subtle shift where the focus is no longer just about our pet but about our own welfare. It is a natural response of the ego-mind in order to keep your attention on it. You become exhausted from the accumulated fearful responses. "What if I can't do anything to save her?" "She is my sole mate and my life will not be the same without her?" and so on. Our psychology is not meant to have to deal with this and we suffer greatly.
I remember working with a lovely pet caretaker several years ago. While I worked with her dog, she told me about herself. She had become the sole caretaker for her mother who had cancer. She chose to do this because she loved her mother. In time, the ego-mind jumped in and started presenting fearful thoughts, "Why am I the only sibling that is helping Mom? I no longer have a life beyond that of a caretaker, etc. In time the fearful thoughts led to emotions of resentment and she found herself arguing with her mom, getting angry and saying hurtful things. Then, when her mother passed away, she was left with horrible, guilt that she was not kind and loving to her beloved mother. She was miserable and every time she thought of her mother, she felt bad.
This is what happens if we allow it to. We do not have to go down that pathway if we can understand some basic principles and stay aware of our thoughts and feelings. First, except that this experience is actually for you and not a horrible burden that life has bestowed on you. Just be open to the lesson in the experience. If you don't learn it, I promise it will keep coming back until you do.
Second, spend as much time focusing on yourself as you are on your sick pet. Think about the times that you are getting ready to take off on an airline. The flight attendant is going over the safety rules and tells you that if the cabin loses oxygen, the masks will drop from above. She tells you to put the mask on yourself first and then your child. If you do not take care of yourself, you cannot take care of your pet.
How can we help ourselves as well as our sick pet? By staying in the present moment and being aware of your thoughts and feelings. They are not you. They are just energy passing through your awareness and if you do not pay any attention to them, they will leave. All suffering in humans is the result of negative thinking and those negative thoughts are about the past or the imaginary future, not the present moment.
I will often talk to consultation clients and they are so desperate to save their pet. I ask them to look at their pet and tell my what she is doing. She will say, "Sitting and looking at me and wagging her tail." I respond, "That is the only thing that is real." Everything else is a story by the fearful ego. Stop focusing on the cancer, epilepsy, kidney failure, etc. Focus on the moment only and what life is presenting to you. Forget about what might happen later as later never happens. What you sow is what you reap. If you sow fear, you will reap fear. That is a fact.
There is another saying that is very helpful. "What you resists, persists." Life does life and there is nothing that we can do about it. If we resist life expressing itself, we suffer. I have a friend who I met through HayHouse Publications. She was a young mother of a couple of children, had a loving husband and a wonderful life on a small farm. Life presented her with liver cancer. Immediately, she went into the fearful conditioned thinking, "Why is this happening to me? My children will grow up without a mother? I am too young to have cancer." The weeks went past and one day she realized that her fearful mind and emotions were robbing her of the precious time that she had left. She changed her thoughts. She stayed in the present moment without the fearful thoughts and spent time with her family, grateful for every day that she had. That was many years ago and she is now cancer free. She surrendered to life instead of resisting.
Another story. Many years ago, I had a lovely pet caretaker who brought her senior Cocker Spaniel, Buffy into my clinic. Her dog had a lump on its mammary gland, which turned out to be malignant mammary cancer. I did the surgery to remove the cancer and told her that it would likely have spread to the lungs already. I had her keep an eye on her dog for coughing. A few months later, she brought her dog back into the clinic. I took xrays of the chest and her entire lungs were filled with cancer. I showed her the chest films and told her that her dog had little time left. A week or so passed and she came into the clinic. She told me that she was moving back to New Mexico. She said that Buffy's favorite thing to do was play in the snow and she wanted to give her one last chance to enjoy the snow. About a year later, the caretaker came back into my office. I welcomed her back but did not want to talk about Buffy, as I knew that it would be painful for her to talk about her. She asked me if I wanted to know about Buffy and I said yes. She told me that she was fine and out in the car. I was shocked. She brought her into the clinic and I took chest films and the cancer was gone. Not because of chemotherapy or any other treatment, but because healing can only happen in the presence of unconditional love.
We must be aware of what is happening in our heads at all times and when the fearful thoughts arise, notice them, do not give them strength by participating and let them pass. Change your focus to your breathing for a minute or so and then re-focus in the present moment. Be grateful for the moment that you have with your pet. Love unconditionally in the moment and it will create a subsequent loving moment. In time, love will transcend fear and your experience will become a loving experience that will fill your heart.