07/03/2025
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1EdqyYYnGu/?mibextid=WC7FNe
A reader writes: “How do you encourage kids to ride, when there's so much out there that's easier and certainly, quicker?”
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There are so many external pressures facing today's children that were not even on the horizon, back when Mike and I were young parents.
Overscheduling, shrinking green spaces in which to ride, the insane costs of keeping horses and outfitting growing riders… and of course, the addictive quality to screen time. All are forces that are seemingly whittling away at the possibility and allure of horsemanship for families.
This last point—the technology available today—is probably the most harmful. We are all trying to learn to survive in a plugged-in world, where we have ever-shorter attention spans, where we are scrolling for hours, without fully engaging. Where we expect instant results with the click of a button. The dangers of phone tech, of course, are starting to affect us all and not just our children.
I have learned over the years that outside forces notwithstanding, there are always two kinds of people. Those who love everything about horses and those who somehow don’t.
So, it has always been and so, it will likely remain. We can teach children to ride as well as possible but there isn’t a lot we can do, in light of the ease and instant quality of modern living, to make them love the struggle of horsemanship.
There is a lot we can do, however, to turn them off horses completely and for all time! Forcing them to ride is but one.
My own children were all lovely riders. All showed horses from babies in lead-line, through their youth years. All started their own c**ts as older teens, all were shaped to become kind and empathetic people. Only one of the three is still riding, as an adult. The others have no regrets around learning to be horsemen but life has just pulled them away in other directions. They are still grateful for the opportunities their horses and ponies gave them!
When our our three kids were young teens, around thirteen or so, we made very sure they were riding the best horses we could find for them. Mike and I were sometimes on dodgy horses but I will say that our children never were.
Having taught 4H horsemanship for decades, I’ve long believed that by the time children are teenagers, their self-esteem is at an all-time low. They need to be good at what it is they are doing—whether it is playing the drums, highland dancing, or shooting hoops—so that they don’t feel the need to quit in shame, in front of their peers.
Don’t laugh. This fear of failure is a very real thing to all of us but most especially, to teens.
Their first ponies, the babies’ ponies, have to be ultra-safe and gentle to build their confidence. They have to be quiet and willing to ‘play’ by the hour, so that children begin to feel at home with them and to trust them as confidants. The next, step-up horses have to be something else, however, in addition to offering solid friendship and willing transportation to get away from one’s parents.
The horses that carry teenagers should be solid performers in some realm of 'cool' horsemanship, in order to fan this little flame.
We know that the desire for a teen to be in the saddle can be built, or quickly extinguished, by the sort of horse he, or she, will ride. Our sons were drawn to horses that rode out beautifully, allowing them to learn to cowboy confidently, to enjoy the healing power of nature and to work cattle. They were big on riding with an outward focus, while our daughter really got keen when she was encouraged to compete.
Two of our children were bullied horribly in high school. Their saddles were among the few places in their lives where they felt safe, in control, as though they had achieved an identity of which to be proud. Their horses became the private islands where they could share secrets and too many times, tears.
Watching my kids grow through these hopeful, heartbreaking and sometimes frightening years, made me realize that teens, as a rule, have to have a place to excel. A place where they are not going to feel ashamed, or somehow lacking.
Learning to ride well, at any age, is hard enough!
Young people are coping with their bodies and their emotions. They are finding out about betrayal amongst friends and the pressures of rules, deadlines and work loads. It is too much to ask them to cope with a really green, unschooled or especially, a ‘bad-minded’ horse, if they, themselves, are struggling to learn to ride. If kids find things too hard, especially if they recognize this as a place of power over their parent, they will likely quit.
This won't be the case forever. Once they build their skillset, a young rider's interest will be often be further piqued with projects. We were fortunate, for there were enough horses in our family that we could pair each growing teen with a c**t project, when the time was right.
Always, from babyhood until nearly adulthood, we strived to uphold the ‘Rule of Twenty’, a self-imposed guideline, whereby the ages of child and steed added up to at least twenty years. This meant that the high schooler could, with some adult guidance, start to work with a gentle three-year-old c**t and eventually, turn this clean slate into a good riding horse.
Their young horse experiences—from summer jobs working as barn help for local breeders and trainers, to 4H c**t projects—had our kids never taking their older, well-broke horses for granted. They could build a sense of pride in doing good work, in sharing what they had learned, themselves, with other sentient beings.
Note that while we were both riders and teachers ourselves, Mike and I made the decision to pay other people to teach our children. This can be a real relief from discord within horsey families.
If given the chance, I would do what I could to raise my budding young horse(wo)men in much the same way. We all excel with a healthy bit of challenge, along with some trustworthy help in the wings to guide us.
The fact remains, not everyone is meant to be a horseman. There are many other roads to Rome! It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes, particularly if horses have brought US much happiness, if they have been the one constant source of joy in our lives. It is natural to want to share this with others, particularly with our kids.
Insisting that our children ride is never in the best interests of the child, the teacher, or the horse, however. There is a very fine line between being encouraging and being too forceful, especially in the realm of achieving horsemanship. A keen young mother, I had to learn this hard lesson, myself.
As parents and guardians of children, I believe that our only goal is in raising kind and honest human beings, with an ability to contribute through whatever endeavours they may choose… to one day make our world a better place.
Whether horses will help achieve these ends, is often beyond our control. All we can do for sure is to show our children that horses can bring us joy, that they deserve our admiration and respect, that they will take us to the highest peaks and the lowest lows. And yes, that they will one day break our hearts.
Each of these things is valuable to learning how to navigate the circle of life. For this reason, whether or not children actively want to ride, just knowing horses in some positive way can be a lifelong, lasting gift.
