02/01/2025
•
Hello, 2025
Where do I begin
January 1st I was literally in bed for over 30 hours because I was so sick (side effect from my meds). Not the best start to the year 😵💫 but that’s another story…
2024 was a year that went by rather quickly for me. Not necessarily for the best. Fear was the word. Since I ended 2023 in the hospital, my anxiety around riding has sky rocketed, and yet I longed to ride regardless. It was a year of excuses. I found myself saying “not today” with every shift of the wind, every change in the atmosphere. This year is perhaps the least I’ve ridden since I’ve started Hellion under saddle.
And I’m ashamed.
I feel like I’ve been lying to yall, posting rarely when I have good days but never opening up about how much my fear had taken over. As a result, my horses haven’t progressed nearly as much as I have hoped, and to absolutely no fault of their own. I’ve been doing a lot of teaching from the ground, and getting involved in more and more “scary” things, but I’m not nearly where I used to be. I used to ride at least 5 days a week, rain or shine, cold or hot. I had goals. Now, I’m just trying to figure out my future.
In July, I got a full time lab job. It’s been a blessing and a curse. The blessing…well, it opens a lot of doors for me to use my 2 majors and the money is exponentially more than what I used to make. I’m able to provide more for my horses while staying in some sort of financial security (though I am still very much on the wire haha)
The curse is that working 40+ hours a week at a mostly sedentary job has softened me physically, and mentally I am able to make more excuses for not working the horses. I’m too tired, too cold, not enough gas. Granted I can’t help some of those things having several chronic illnesses and needing to count down to the dollar week to week to make sure I can afford everything, but I do it too much. The excuses have gotten to be too much.
The hubs and I have some big plans for the end of this year, and I hope it means I advance in the horse world, but those details will come when we are ready to share.
Right now i just want to find my fire again. Any bit of bravery I once had.
Cheers to 2025
