04/24/2025
Yup. Read the whole thing.
Fantasy Horsemanship: Where ‘Doing Nothing’ is Marketed as Mastery 💸
“A safe space for humans. A weird time for horses.”
Once upon a time in a paddock not-so-far away, a horse dragged its owner across the arena to a hay bag.
And lo, the guru said:
“Did you see that? He’s finally feeling safe enough… to express his autonomy.”
And the crowd nodded.
For they were moved.
And the horse, dear reader, was not. 🙄
Welcome to Fantasy Horsemanship — where dragging, balking, spooking, and shutting down are framed as spiritual breakthroughs.
Where confusion is revered, clarity is oppressive, and stillness is sold as “deep integration.”
Where your horse is not trained — but interpreted. 🎭
Let’s take a closer look…
1. The Guru Speaks (And You Stop Thinking)
In this world, the guru is your translator.
You don’t learn to read your horse — you learn to believe his reading of your horse.
A tail swish becomes trauma. A head toss? “Reclaiming boundaries.”
And a shut-down horse staring into space?
That’s “sacred integration through parasympathetic recalibration.” ✨
It’s not horsemanship.
It’s interpretive spirituality with a rope halter. 🧘♀️🐴
Sprinkle in some polyvagal jargon, somatic buzzwords, and vaguely-academic pseudoscience, and suddenly everything makes sense… except your horse.
2. Feeling > Function
“I feel more connected.”
“My horse gave me a soft eye.”
“We just stood together and cried.” 😭
Lovely.
But did your horse stop spooking at the mounting block?
Can he walk forward when asked?
Did you learn anything… practical?
Of course not.
Because in Fantasy Horsemanship, progress is an emotional experience, not a behavioural outcome.
If you cried, it counted.
Even if your horse is still stuck, shut down, or silently screaming for guidance. 🐎💤
3. No Tools, No Plan, No Problem
“I could use a tool… but that would betray the trust.”
Translation:
I don’t know what to do, and I’ve built a philosophy around that.
No leadership? Enlightened.
No aids? Ethical restraint.
No plan? A bold rejection of the patriarchy. ✊
Doing nothing is rebranded as depth.
The guru has no method, no map, and no measurable outcomes — and that’s exactly how he likes it.
Where there’s no criteria, there’s no failure.
Only more feelings. 😌
4. The Guru Believes His Own Bull$h!t
And here’s the real kicker:
The guru isn’t running a con — he’s running a one-man theatre production he believes in deeply. 🎤🎭
You’ll see a horse lurching, lame, shut down, clearly miserable —
and he’ll whisper, misty-eyed:
“Wow. That was amazing.” 😍
He’s not evaluating the horse.
He’s performing a show.
And he’s too high on his own narrative to notice the horse is tragically unsound and about to file for emotional leave. 📋
5. Your Horse Is Not Your Life Coach
“I’m forever changed.”
“He unlocked something in me.”
“We breathed together under the stars.” 🌌
Lovely.
But your horse still won’t load on the float.
He’s not your therapist.
He’s not your mirror.
He’s not your trauma doula.
He’s just a horse — trying to survive a training session that’s turned into a TED Talk narrated by someone who’s read one too many somatic healing blogs. 💻🐴
He doesn’t want to co-regulate.
He wants clarity.
And maybe a carrot that doesn’t come with a full emotional disclosure. 🥕
6. Bonus Truth: When Fantasy Replaces Vet Checks
Here’s what Fantasy Horsemanship won’t tell you:
The only time horses aren’t easy… is when they’re unsound. 🚫🏇
Pain changes behaviour.
Discomfort makes horses emotional, evasive, or disengaged.
But instead of checking for pain, lameness, or imbalance, the fantasy reframes it all as “emotional blocks.”
And for women — especially those not feeling strong in their own bodies — this becomes a trap.
When movement feels hard, stillness feels safe.
When strength feels distant, softness becomes the story. 🧘♀️🕯️
And suddenly, both human and horse are stuck.
One in pain.
One in fear.
Both being told they’re “healing” — when really, they’re just avoiding.
7. And Still, the Horse Pays the Price
Behind the hashtags and healing mantras is a horse who didn’t ask for this.
He doesn’t get trained.
He doesn’t get listened to.
He gets filmed mid-meltdown while someone whispers,
“This… is integration.” 🎥😬
He’s confused.
He’s burdened.
He’s trying.
But nobody notices.
Because everyone’s too busy being deep.
8. Epilogue: The W**d That’s Spreading
This isn’t just one guru.
Fantasy Horsemanship is everywhere. 🌱🔥
It spreads through spiritual marketing, emotional manipulation, and the promise of transformation without accountability.
It appeals to those who want connection but fear discomfort.
It flatters women conditioned to be agreeable, self-doubting, and endlessly apologetic —
those trying to people-please their horse into loving them,
dreaming of a ba****ck beach ride with wind-blown hair and 100% safety. 🐎🌊💨
But your horse isn’t looking for magic.
He’s looking for someone who knows what they’re doing.
Not someone side-tracked down a rabbit hole to nowhere.
Final Thought
Horses are beautifully simple.
They don’t need make-believe — they need meaning.
They don’t want therapy — they want to be understood as horses, not projected humans.
They don’t care about your journey — they care if you can help them feel safe. 🧠❤️🐴
They are easy to train.
Easy to make feel secure.
Unless they’re unsound — or the human is untethered.
So if the fantasy is fading… if your horse is still wary, still stuck, still waiting…
That’s not failure.
That’s reality knocking. 🚪
Answer it.
Find someone who teaches real horse training and treats you with respect.
Learn to understand horses — and build the skills to influence them.
Because when the fog lifts and the narrative dies…
It won’t be the guru standing with you.
It’ll be your horse.
Still confused.
Still waiting.
Still hoping you’ve finally shown up —
not with a story…
but with a plan. 🐴✔️
If you’ve climbed out of the fantasy rabbit hole — or realised your horse biting you wasn’t over zealous engagement but frustration — you’re not alone. Tell your story. Let’s talk about it.❤
If this said what you’ve been thinking — share it. If it said what you wish you wrote, still… share it. With credit. You’re welcome. 🐴😉
You want results, we guarantee them. Tried dog training that didn't work? We do what others can't.
