12/02/2022
We've had a really long week; Mandy was frustrated at work, I had my first therapist appointment on Tuesday and the rest of my time was spent at the desk making long overdue calls, paperwork, catching up with old friends and family, nursing a low fever and a whole lot more. By 12 pm Wednesday I was literally buzzing with adrenaline and spent roughly the rest of the week wide awake and manic.
We took it very easy on ourselves last night. We called out for delivery (I've been back to preparing all our meals again, like a boss) and was finally able to relax enough that sleep didn't seem like an impossibility. Mandy, unfortunately, was several hours behind me in this task, but the lights were out at 9 pm all the same. I managed to doze off until my usual 3:00/30 am mid-morning awake period, but I had awoken from a pretty emotional dream then. Mandy was dozing off, but I told her I needed to calm my mind before I would be able to fall asleep again. She was able to finally drift off and I calmed and cleared my mind; about a half hour later, I was solidly asleep again as well.
Between 5:30 - 6:30 am, I was up lightly several times but was able to drift off again almost immediately. The last time I'm certain I was conscious was 6:36 am; the bedroom was lit with the blue-grey haze of dawn. Each time I had woken lightly previously, I checked my phone to see if I was asleep for hours or minutes.
It was minutes every time.
At some point between 6:36 am and 7:17 am, I entered a lucid dream. It wasn't sleep paralysis, but I could see the room as I would in a sleep paralysis episode. It was in the same tones as the last I was conscious here. As I looked about the room, Sherman was laying at the foot of the bed, head laying on the floor, but eyes looking up at me. I immediately reached for him and a split second later I shoved Mandy awake; It was absolute bliss. I got to hug and hold him, rubbing his muzzle, ears and eyes as he leaned hard into me.
At this point, I should say that If you don't already know, I am generally a lucid dreamer. My dreams are in 4k Ultra-HD with smell, sight, sound and tactile feedback. If something isn't right, then generally I can make it right by willing it so, and when things go south I can generally wake myself. Lucid or not, every dream ends with me detaching from the ground and entering low G weightlessness; my center of gravity in the dead center of my core. Because I'm generally on my feet, the last action = opposite reaction, usually sees me lifting off the ground and rotating lightly as the ground grows smaller and smaller as I regain consciousness here.
All was right at that moment though.
While talking to the therapist, I was able to express that Sherman's passing was the last stone on an already burdened mind. For the last 9 or so months, I shut down and I'm not ashamed to say it. New days bring new horizons. Coming on close to a year, and I'm finally ready to put the work in to dig myself out. My therapist agrees; we went from once a month sessions to start with so I wasn't overwhelmed, to once a week by the end of the first session. As I've said, I've been taking back my portion of our workload over the last 5 or 6 weeks; the last month has been more productive than the last 9 months combined. I left the house more in the last 2 weeks than I had in the preceding 4 months, without exaggeration.
This is real progress.
Back to elsewhere; as I detached from the ground in my experience, I was still holding Sherman TIGHTLY, but I couldn't bring him with me. Bliss dissolved to abject horror. I was detached and leaving, but I was NOT WAKING. I started screaming, which alerted Mandy. She then shoved me sharply and broke me out of the experience. I immediately broke down, not from the horror; but because he came to visit when I needed him most.
And Mandy was there too.
It's a little more than a month away from being a year when he left this plane. I have requested a name change to this page to reflect the current situation. I keep a phial of his ashes at reach at all times. This morning it has been in my hand or on my chest whilst typing. I'm not a religious person, but I am spiritual in many regards. I know there's more to this universe than this particular experience, and I know this because as I've said, when I am not conscious here, I am conscious elsewhere. Even if in a dream all fades to black, a new dream eventually begins or you regain consciousness back here.
And there's science behind me.
From Wikipedia:
"In physics and chemistry, the law of conservation of energy states that the total energy of an isolated system remains constant; it is said to be conserved over time.[1] This law, first proposed and tested by Émilie du Châtelet,[2][3] means that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it can only be transformed or transferred from one form to another."
It's natural law that this experience is only one tiny fraction of a percent of what's in store for you, me and everyone and everything that has ever been, or will ever be. This applies even if you prescribe to a multiverse; a big crunch or big bang, or infinite accelerated inflation until the universe grows colder and darker until all fades to black.
That I had this experience right now, in the thick of it, is no mere coincidence. Even if you compartmentalize your problems and stash them away, they still exist. The mind has built in self repair tools, and the emotions being raw means they're being dealt with, no matter how rough it may feel in that moment.
Sherman has not left my side or mine, his. He's merely changed form and is conscious elsewhere, and someday I will be there too.
And that means everything to me.
