02/09/2023
I am hearing some very worrying statements from people recently.
These are mostly referring to abuse.
One recently was that people donât have an opinion on a technique or tool unless they have used it themselves.
I havenât tried punching my dogs in the face every time they do something I donât like.
I have never used he**in.
I have never hung someone.
I have never sexually abused someone.
There are a great many things that I have never tried before, but due to education, ethics, logic, and many other factors, I feel that I have a right to an opinion on them.
I have also heard that people who are using aversive techniques still have dogs that love them. That they still have great relationships with their dogs. That their dogs are not shut down and haven't become more aggressive. And actually, I believe them. Because contrary to popular belief, us abused donât always act like scared rabbits or walk around bullying others.
As someone who has been abused in various ways throughout my life, I can say that I am still a happy individual who actually still loves some of my abusers. Does that make it right?
People who are abused donât all walk around acting subdued. They can be people like me who act strong and fierce. They can be people who act mild and meek. They can be people who act angry and defensive. Because abuse can be subtle and how the abuser feels and acts is totally individual to them.
How many stories have you heard of where someone was being severely abused and nobody knew. How many children have been sexually or physically abused for years with nobody noticing?
As animals, we often act okay because thatâs what keeps us safe. Itâs what helps us to survive. Some people will act timidly, you will see the abuse written all over their face, others will act like the life and soul of the party. We people who have been abused don't walk around telling everybody, we don't make it obvious. So, when people are abusing their dogs and saying that their dogs don't react, this is because the abused don't always react, not because the abuse isnât there. And not because the abuse is the right way to behave.
How it affects us can be subtle, it can take a long time for us to even realise that what we are experiencing is abuse. Abuse can very easily feel like the norm. Not only that, but we quite often love our abuser, and we quite often tell people how proud We are of our abuser. How kind they can be and "please don't worry because most of the time they're really good to us."
I know people who have been with people who have abused them for decades. They still look at them lovingly, they still tell them that they love them, and they still act compliant and even happy.
But inside, in the core of them, something else happens. Abuse chips away at them and depending on who they are as an individual, depending on their genetics and other life experiences they will react to this over time in different ways. Some will become lovely people but quite defensive. They can be the type of people who hold it all in for months and months on end and then totally freak out. They can be the type of person that does everything for everyone, makes them kind and caring and sweet and everyone says how lovely they are. But inside they are sad, underneath they are screaming. If we always knew who was suffering, we would have a lot fewer suicides.
As force-free trainers, we need to stop saying that aversive methods will make dogs stop trusting, shut down, and get aggressive because sadly it isn't always true.
The abused don't always act like the abused. So please don't kid yourself into thinking that something that is hurting your dog or making them stop doing a behaviour due to feeling intimidated or uncomfortable isn't causing them long-term damage. It is impossible to tell in all cases! You may only discover this years later when it is too late.
It is the abuserâs job to recognize what they are and to be brave enough to stop it.
Think of pain. How many dogs are living in chronic pain and we donât even know. How many dogs are living in chronic emotional pain and we don't know about it?
It can be hard sharing our lives with other beings human and non-human. But gone are the days that we believe that strength comes from the physical and doesn't come from within.
I had a wonderful student say to me âIt's so much harder to be force-free than to be an aversive trainer. It takes a lot more strengthâ. She is right. It is easy to be angry when we want results and get frustrated. But to stay calm, and be imaginative with approach, takes true strength.
I worked in mental health for 20 years. I still worked with people that wanted to punish our clients for their behaviours. But thankfully due to professional psychologists, psychiatrists, and mental health nurses, current laws, and the Mental Health Act, people are being rehabilitated not punished. I have worked with people who have had all their teeth taken out because they have bitten. Years later, they were still attacking others. Punishment has been long seen as the wrong way to go in mental health and teaching practices.
We need to catch up! Can you imagine a prison guard pulling a prisoner around by the neck? Can you imagine them using prong devices around their wrists?
If our society, laws, and education tell us that the most hardened criminals shouldnât be physically or mentally abused to be rehabilitated, why the hell do we think that it is okay to do to a dog. Humans commit far more heinous acts than dogs!
I am far from perfect but I will never use intimidation, fear, or worry, to knowingly teach my dogs. I will continue to strive to be as kind as I possibly can be. And yes, I will make mistakes. But I will never knowingly abuse those that I love and put their trust in me.
