25/12/2025
THE ANATOMY & PHYSIOLOGY OF A HOOF CARE PROFESSIONAL
(An uncontrolled case study conducted in sideways rain with witnesses.)
The hoof care professional is not born.
They are forged.
They begin life as a reasonably upright human with hopes, joints, and hobbies.
Over time, through repeated exposure to horses, opinions, mud, and “while you’re here…”, they undergo a series of irreversible biological changes.
This document exists to explain why you now move like that.
THE SKELETAL SYSTEM
Official Status: Structurally unsound but legally alive.
The spine has abandoned any concept of neutrality.
It curves into a bespoke shape known only as Trim Lean — part question mark, part threat display.
Discs are compressed.
Pelvis is tilted.
Posture is a rumour.
Knees click when:
– standing
– kneeling
– walking
– thinking about kneeling
– hearing someone say “he won’t kick”
Hips no longer rotate. They negotiate terms.
Any attempt to straighten fully results in:
– dizziness
– regret
– or an audible noise that concerns nearby owners
Medical professionals describe findings as:
“Consistent with someone who has been under horses far longer than they should have been.”
MUSCULATURE
Specialised to the point of absurdity.
Forearms resemble overripe hams.
Grip strength could open jars sealed by the gods.
One side of the body is significantly more developed due to:
– always rasping with the same hand
– always bracing against the same nonsense
Calves are asymmetrical from years of anchoring yourself while a horse “just shifts a bit.”
Core strength exists, but is deployed only during catastrophic hoof drops or surprise levitation events.
Stretching is:
– discussed
– recommended
– and absolutely not happening
HANDS
Not hands. Implements.
Hands are permanently coated in:
– thrush
– iodine
– mystery black substance
– and something that smells faintly of iodine, old rubber, and poor life decisions made outdoors
Calluses have calluses.
Cuts appear without memory, context, or consent.
Bruises bloom days later like delayed emotional processing.
Heat resistance is inhuman.
Cold tolerance vanished in 2014.
If your hands ever look clean, people ask if you still work.
THE FEET (IRONICALLY)
The weakest link.
Despite working exclusively with hooves, your own feet are:
– frozen
– wet
– blistered
– and living in socks that should have been retired quietly
Footwear costs more than rent and fails immediately.
CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM
Powered by caffeine and impending obligation.
Resting heart rate is calm until triggered by:
– “He was fine yesterday”
– “Can you just have a look?”
– “I’ve sent you a video”
Blood pressure peaks during:
– vet phone calls
– invoice discussions
– and Facebook notifications
RESPIRATORY SYSTEM
Adapted for hostile airspace.
Lungs tolerate:
– thrush vapours
– mouldy hay
– ammonia
– and whatever died under the rubber mat in 2006
Breath is routinely held while trimming frogs that look back at you.
THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
Overclocked. Frayed. Still responsive.
Reflexes are lightning fast. You can catch:
– falling hooves
– falling horses
– falling clients’ expectations
Pain receptors are selectively disabled.
Stubbed toes: ignored.
Paper cuts: personal attack.
Startle response activated by:
– sudden silence
– sudden movement
– sudden kindness
DIGESTIVE SYSTEM
Symbolic only.
Meals are eaten:
– in cars
– in gateways
– in theory
Hunger is noticed only when:
– hands start shaking
– vision narrows
– or someone offers you a biscuit
Hydration occurs accidentally when it rains into your mouth.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Dubious but defiant.
Cuts treated with:
– spit
– optimism
– or “it’ll be fine”
You are immune to everything except:
– the common cold
– and unsolicited advice
SENSORY PERCEPTION
Warped but powerful.
Vision instantly detects:
– long toes
– uneven loading
– bad trims from across the county
Hearing selectively ignores:
– management excuses
– weather complaints
– “he’s always done that”
But locks on instantly to:
– altered footfall
– hesitation
– a horse thinking about being dramatic
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE
Extremely specific. Deeply concerning.
Displays:
– chronic self-questioning
– hyper-responsibility
– and the inability to forget that one trim from seven years ago
Simultaneously believes:
“I don’t know anything”
and
“I cannot let anyone else touch this.”
Experiences joy only when:
– the horse walks off well
– the owner doesn’t ask follow-up questions
– and nobody posts photos online
SOCIAL ADAPTATIONS
Highly evolved.
Capable of:
– smiling politely while dying inside
– explaining the same thing nine times, slightly differently
– deflecting Facebook arguments through strategic silence
Has developed a specific facial expression for:
“Well, someone online said…”
LIFESPAN & PROGNOSIS
Longevity appears dependent on:
– humour
– good clients
– and knowing when to go home
Burnout is avoided only through:
– sarcasm
– community
– and the occasional feral laugh
FINAL CONCLUSION
The hoof care professional is not elegant.
Not balanced.
Not ergonomic.
They are adaptive.
Bent. Scarred. Tired.
Still turning up.
Not because it’s sensible.
Not because it’s easy.
But because, somehow, this wreck of a body still knows exactly what to do.
And tomorrow —
against all logic —
it will do it again.
(Study ongoing. Subjects unavailable due to “just one more horse.”)