Boris the Poodle

08/04/2022

Hey, ladies! Hope you like my profile here on ScratchMe.com. They say 49 (7 years times 7) is the new 29... am I right?! I'm an in-shape dude looking for a fun-loving female... any breed is cool. You can play with my tennis balls if you let me into your heart. (No tail-chasers, please!) Hit me up: [email protected]

04/03/2022

I assume my human was joking when he suggested, “…saddlin’ you up for a lil’ ride ‘round the neighborhood.” I informed him that Section 1 of California Assembly Bill 1881, a.k.a. the “Dog and Cat Bill of Rights,” specifically states, “Dogs and cats have the right to be respected as sentient beings that experience complex feelings that are common among living animals while being unique to each individual animal.” Ha! You should have seen the look on my human’s face! Priceless!

07/10/2021

Howdy, humans! Halloween approaches, so I'll remind you to be careful with chocolate. Just like grapes and raisins, chocolate is toxic to us canines.

Finally -- as a pre-Christmas hint -- my human Lee would like to remind you that, while Butterfinger, 100 Grand, PayDay, Baby Ruth, Almond Joy, Hershey Bar, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Twix, Kit Kat, Reese's and Snickers may be acceptable as Halloween treats, he prefers dark chocolate Godiva, Lindt or Ghirardelli.

27/09/2021

Michael Jordan's maximum vertical leap was 48". Pretty sure I can beat that, especially when my human throws a tennis ball WAY up there.

29/10/2020

I seldom feel embarrassed, but today I was a little red-faced after I put on this red tie. (See photo 1.) My human saw me and made a weird expression. Then I realized! Election day is Tuesday, and the color red signifies Republican, and blue means Democrat. Thankfully my human Lee put me at ease. “You can wear any color you want!” he said. “Let’s stop dividing based on color, and let’s start uniting as a tapestry of all colors.” I felt so much better! (See photo 2.) Finally I asked him why his face was so weird a few minutes earlier. He replied, “I had to stop my sneeze that had already started, because I didn’t want [my other human] to think I had The ‘Rona.”

01/10/2020

Why can’t I vote in the upcoming election? I’m a citizen (born right here in California). I’m not a felon. “Their” argument is that standard poodles (like all canines) lack opposable thumbs needed to fill out a ballot. Baloney! I don't want to tell you who I would vote for on November 3rd, but I will tell you what I oppose and support. This is my "Poodle Platform," if you will:

- I oppose unrestricted spending on the military.
- I support a minimum wage that raises the lowest paid workers above the poverty line.
- I support universal healthcare for all Americans.
- I support clean air and environmental initiatives, and I support increased regulation of polluters.
- I support a woman’s right to make all decisions pertaining to her body.
- I support immigrants.
- I oppose discrimination in all forms and I support equal opportunity for all.
- I support the Second Amendment, yet I also support background checks for future gun owners.
- I support a peace-focused Israel and Palestine two-state solution.

01/08/2020

I don’t quality for PUA (Poodle Unemployment Assistance) so I had to take a part-time security guard job. Here I am at full alert, monitoring an outdoor threat by a high-risk organization called “Amazon Fresh.” Intrusion successfully averted.

25/06/2020

I am SO proud of my mask-wearing human (a.k.a. my limousine driver)! Earlier today, when he came to pick me up from a bath with my groomer, he saw another human inside not wearing a mask... which is required by law. He VERY politely reminded her, and she replied that she’d simply forgotten. Their brief conversation ended with a smile. As my human drove me home I praised him with the rhetorical question, “Who’s a good boy?!”

14/06/2020

My heart is filled with love. I want everyone to meet Mochi, a playful Bichon Frise. Sure, Mochi is younger than me, but try not to hate. Appreciate. Desegregate. Love your mate. A one world state. Now radiate. Liberate... (What? You thought only humans love INXS?)

19/04/2020

Yes, I am happy -- during this difficult time -- that shelters are empty because humans are adopting lots of dogs. But my humans have been home. All. The. Time. Sure, the walks and treats and hugs are fine, but Boris needs a break, baby! A little "me time," you know? It's tough to do simple things anymore, like sneaking into the bathroom and taking an empty toilet paper roll from the trash. So I'm watching YouTube videos on how to lock humans out of their own house.

14/03/2020

My human Lee seemed a bit sad today, probably because all this COVID-19 “social distancing” stuff means he’s suspending his regular activities like gym workouts and performing improv comedy. To cheer him up I suggested that I take him for a walk, and he said, “Yes!” He’s such a good boy.

26/02/2020

My human thought he was funny, making a shadow hand puppet of, I don't know... is that supposed to be a dog? So I made him a shadow paw puppet of a donkey... you know, jackass.

10/02/2020

Hello, beautiful females. My name is Boris, and I was born on Valentine’s Day, 2015. Do the math. That makes me 35 in human years… i.e. my peak strength. Are you looking for “Mr. Goodboy?” Well, you found him. Hit me up and we’ll give each other a sniff.

25/01/2020

I normally charge $325/hour for video life coaching on success and failure, but this freebie is on me. Enjoy!

05/01/2020

"Your biceps are looking small," I said to my human. He asked for my help, so I allowed him to lift me up and do a set of 12 Poodle Curls. (Sheesh... the things we do for our humans.)

23/12/2019

- This holiday poem by Boris the Poodle
- was written while sipping a bowl of eggnog.
- Poodles are German, like bratwurst and strudel,
- not French, like soufflé and sautéed leg of frog.

13/12/2019

I’m Boris The Standard Poodle, and I’m proud to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America!

Some of you may not yet know my position on important issues, so permit me to outline my five-point agenda:

1) I want an America where shifty Canadians cannot undermine our right to shoot squirrels.
2) I will encourage today’s innocent, smiling babies to grow up a bit faster.
3) I will help Mexican drug mules, Wall Street insiders and drug company executives transition their careers and become wealthy hobos.
4) I will work for an America that ensures our right to borrow money from Asia, and our right to police the world.
5) I will create an advisory commission consisting of a variety of professionals, including pot smokers, military-industrial warmongers, grandparents and Colombians.

I look forward to shaking paws with you on the campaign trail. (Don’t make me beg for your vote.)

29/11/2019

I had the BEST dream last night. There was this luxury yacht, with SO many beautiful babes aboard. They were calling to me: "Come and join us, Boris." "Rub some anti-flea lotion on my back, Boris." That's when I woke up.

23/10/2019

Was I happy when my human Lee gifted me with a new tennis ball today? Kinda. Yeah, sure. A little excited. Maybe delighted. Okay, I was ecstatic!

12/10/2019

My new BFF is Alexa, the grandpup of my human Simone. Tough to believe from this photo, but Alexa just turned 35 (dog) years old! I'm almost 32. We both look marvelous for our age.

06/10/2019

For my hero name I considered SuperPup, but it sounded too much like PooperPup. I was born on the doomed planet Riverside. As a child I was sent to Yorba Linda in a small spacedoghouse. There I honed my superpowers of flight and eye-mouth coordination. To protect my identity I pretend to be mild-mannered Boris. My arch enemy: Squirrel.

03/10/2019

Years ago I went through my blonde phase. I was young and stupid, and I thought it was trendy. As you can see from this photo... bad move.

Why did I do it? I thought maybe chicks would dig my blonde hair, then I remembered I didn't have testicles. I thought I wanted to stand out from the poodle crowd, then I realized that self-love requires no audience.

Now that I'm 31 dog years old (4.5 * 7 = 31), some grey hairs are appearing in my all-black coat. But you know what? I'm cool with that. With age comes wisdom.

29/09/2019

Truth be told, I'm actually a chill dude. I'm not big into yelling (a.k.a. barking), except when I see one of The Evil Three: Amazon delivery person, U.S. Mail Carrier and Squirrel.

24/09/2019

As a captain in the Royal Air Force's elite K9 squadron, my great-great-great-grandfather Sir Boris -- flying his Spitfire -- earned the Good Boy medal for shooting down Baron Von Pinscher's Messerschmitt.

20/09/2019

Watch this slow-motion video of a large, scary predator eating his small, defenseless prey.

14/09/2019

Jokes about big, long noses... go ahead! I've heard them all before: "When you swim on your back, people yell, 'Shark!'"; "Can you smell the future with that thing?"; "I can't tell if you're lying or not." Those remarks don't bother me. (Anyway, I heard your girlfriend likes my big nose.)

10/09/2019

Soliciting your opinion: I'm thinking about launching "The Adventures of Boris the Poodle" super-hero series. Your humble protagonist would solve daunting QuickBooks problems for damsels in distress. Thoughts?

08/09/2019

I'll be auditioning tomorrow for a KISS look-alike band. You can wish me luck, but please don't tell me to break a leg. (Rock and roll is not Macbeth.)

01/09/2019

Support the Underdog! My Washington Redskins visit the bird-legged Philadelphia Eagles next Sunday in the NFL season's opening game. "Experts" predict we'll lose. I predict a 24-21 victory.

31/08/2019

I'm like a laser-guided missile defense system (if the missile was a tennis ball), focused on the target with silent, robot-like precision, ensuring 100% mission success! (When the next-door chihuahua looks out his window and sees me doing this shiznit, he goes ^%$ #@ ballistic... pun intended.)

29/08/2019

Please join my campaign to boycott squirrels. They're part of the scientific order Rodentia, you know, the same as rats. They carry diseases including typhus and the ^%$ #@ plague! For some unknown reason, humans have popularized squirrels in media, including TV cartoons, video games and movies. It's time for this madness to stop!

29/08/2019