The Horse Screamer

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The Horse Screamer

The best barrel racer and best horse trainer in the world.
(17)

08/04/2024

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW! I SAID WHOA!!! Your horses will all DIE if they are outside during the eclipse!
This is not something to take lightly!
Animals have absolutely zero God given instincts and they don't realize that staring at the sun is harmful and stupid.
When the eclipse happens, the sun will be magnified 1 million times more than normal.
It's just science. Obviously.
The eclipse sun will kill all horses that are not in the safety of the barn, or wearing eclipse glasses.
HORSES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE OUTSIDE. EVER. PERIOD.

Everyone knows that's why all of the wild mustangs are extinct because horses are not meant to be outside. It's not safe.
Stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and get your precious fur babies INSIDE before they die!

05/04/2024

I SAID WHOA!!!
He gonna learn today! I'm about to give him SO MANY TREATS!

22/03/2024

I love EVERYTHING about this!
Thank you Beyoncé and thank you Zac Efron for helping to show the world the amazing NATURAL horsemanship skills that you obviously learned from ME, the best trainer in the world.

Proper equitation is so important and that's why this is just so beautiful.
Zac, the former teenage heartthrob (so I've heard), obviously learned his perfect, natural, beautiful equitation from me.

His feet are naturally shoved forward with toes pointed toward the ground, as they ALWAYS should be.
His glistening, shirtless upper body is in the most natural, perfect position.
Everyone knows that reclining gives him more leverage to naturally yank his horse's face around with quiet, soft hands and big, strong, mesmerizing biceps.

EVERYTHING just looks so natural! This beautiful thoroughbread stallion, who was rescued from the slaughter pen at an auction the day before this picture was taken, looks so happy to have Zac gracefully hanging on his face.

I can't even begin to explain how proud I am to see another beautiful display of my all natural training techniques.
I know that Zac gave this precious, rescued fur baby so many TREATS and a furever home.
Obviously.
Thank you, Zac!

Zac might've been quoted as saying,

"EVERYTHING I know about horses, I learned from THE HORSE SCREAMER."
-Zac Efron, probably

22/03/2024

It is so refreshing to see my students sharing my natural horsemanship skills, with the world!
This ain't Texas, but this is just as beautiful and natural as the skills that I taught Beyoncé.
Everyone knows that a bit is harsh and should NEVER be placed inside of a horse's mouth because that's just MEAN and unnatural.
Obviously.
This is much more natural. If you want to be a model in the western industry or the equine world, I can teach you. Here's proof.
I know I'm the best trainer in the world, obviously, but moments like this just proves that to the world. You're welcome, horse world.

20/03/2024

"EVERYTHING I know about horses, I learned from THE HORSE SCREAMER."
-Beyoncé, obviously

This is such a proud moment for me to see one of my students break down barriers and show the world just how amazing NATURAL horsemanship really is.
Everyone knows that when you are loping and trotting your horse at the same time, it is so important to make sure you focus on EVERYTHING being NATURAL. Obviously.

If you want to feel closer and become one with your horse, riding without a saddle pad and without pants is a great place to start.
I typically recommend wearing Kimes Ranch Jeans, if you don't enjoy chafing and rubbing like you have never seen, but sometimes being natural is more important than being comfortable.

You may be wondering how anyone could even stay in the saddle at that gait in that position. Well, it's because Beyonce learned from me and her position is just soooo natural.
She obviously has the same all natural blonde hair styled just like mine, hashtag woke up like this and hashtag no makeup, so that obviously helps her ride more naturally.

She obviously doesn't even need a single foot in a stirrup, because her bare cheeks are naturally gripping the leather of the seat of the saddle.

This beautiful grey roan palameno stallion was unridden and untouched before this all natural photo was taken.
With the help of my amazing all natural training techniques, Beyoncé was able to take this wild mustang and carry a flag while riding him side saddle, with some knotted split reins, in a dark arena, under a spotlight.

This ain't Texas, but it's so beautiful and so natural. Obviously.
I could not be more proud to see such a beautiful display of my all natural training techniques. I'm sure that she gave that good, good boy so many TREATS. Hopefully ALL the treats!

19/03/2024

I rescued this horse and I need your help to find her forever home!
I don't rescue these horses and sell them for a huge profit just for the money, it's obviously just about finding them a perfect forever home.
Obviously.
Your $5,000 donation is all I need to keep me from hauling her to another sale barn. Please help!
There's even a possibility she's in FOAL! She's a mare so it's obviously possible. What are you waiting for? Don't miss out on this real life unicorn!

01/03/2024

Spring is coming! Does anyone else have Spring fever? Spring means warmer temperatures and SHEDDING!
What temperature is it safe for your horse to be outside without a blanket?

I obviously know the only right answer to this, because I'm the best trainer in the world, but I would love to hear what you do to put your horse's health and life in danger.

Actually, I could care less what you think, because you're obviously wrong, but I will fake laugh, smile, act like your uninformed opinion is intelligent and then just bash you behind your back.

Anyways, we all know that God designed horses to rely on us horse girls for survival. Horses would be extinct if it wouldn't be for smart horse girls, cozy barns and thick blankets.
But, when do you think it's safe to turnout WITHOUT a blanket? Let's talk, even though my opinion is the only right one.
Obviously

29/02/2024

You can't just eat whatever you want, like this selfish, little, fat slob of a horse, and expect to look and feel healthy.
Have you ever heard the term healthy as a horse? How healthy is your horse?

What you put IN your horse is what you get OUT of your horse. This horse obviously puts a whole lot in. Seriously.
He loves eating more than barrel racers love making excuses about why they didn't win.
He was not living a healthy lifestyle, but that all changed.
That was before Equi-lete and before I showered him with love and only positive reinforcement.

What is Equi-lete? Is it some magic weight loss system for horses? No, but the results are magical!

The Equi-lete products are a superior line-up, built with the highest quality ingredients and based on the latest research and technology available! Basically, these are amazing supplements that can be added to your existing feeding program!

Equi-lete products are approved by and used by me, THE HORSE SCREAMER. So you know they are the BEST. Obviously.

Equi-lete is having an online SPRING SALE TODAY, so it's the perfect time to switch to the supplements that are used by the best barrel racer in the world.

I love all of my horses and I care about their health, so I use Equi-lete products.
You obviously hate your horses if you're not giving them Equi-lete products.

So you obviously need to make the switch today. I don't have to share all of my amazing natural training techniques and knowledge with you, but I do.
Because I'm amazing.
Don't let your horse look and feel like this unhealthy gelding, who once looked like a mare who was 13 months pregnant. Just look at that fat hog! Thicker than a snicker! But not anymore!

Give Equi-lete a try today, unless you hate your horse.

28/02/2024

I am seriously so sick and tired of every farrier messing up my horse's hooves! How hard is it to do your job?! Why do men find a way to be horrible at EVERYTHING?

I have spent countless hours watching YouTube videos about trimming hooves, so I am obviously now more knowledgeable than most farriers and my vast knowledge alone of the equines qualifies me to be a professional farrier.
I obviously practice ALL NATURAL barefoot farrier work and your horse is guaranteed to never lose a shoe.
I have spent a lifetime watching over the shoulders of all of my farriers and I have been very vocal in telling them how to do their job better.
That has helped me develop into the best all natural farrier I have ever seen.

Here's a look at a client's horse. It's perfect, It's natural and it's so much better than your farrier's work.
I'm only taking limited clients and I'm going to charge you a ridiculous amount, so contact me right now. Don't wait until your horse throws a shoe while loading on the trailer on your way to the rodeo.
I'm THE HORSE SCREAMER and I'm the best farrier in the world. Obviously.

16/02/2024

NEVER trust a farrier! Those chocolate covered strawberries aren't covered in just chocolate!

Also, I know more about how to do your farrier's job then he does, so just ask me for advice on what you should do to your horse's hooves.

You're welcome.

14/02/2024

If you really want to impress that special barrel racer in your life, it's easy.
Just groom her horse and pay ALL of her entry fees. Forever.
THAT is true love. Obviously.

14/02/2024

Don't say I didn't warn you. It is a good kind of crazy. Obviously.
Happy Valentine's Day! I hope someone gives you lots and lots of TREATS!

13/02/2024

Get it right, JUDGES! You are ruining lives and ruining everyone's day. Obviously.
I will fight you for a ribbon, because that's what it's all about.
I don't like your attitude! You need some TREATS!

06/02/2024

Please help me find a FOREVER HOME for this precious fur baby that I rescued from the sale barn!
He's 3 and I personally have owned him for 5 years. I just have too many horses right now, but I would consider trading for a blue roan or palameno finished barrel horse.
I know what I've got, obviously, so NO TIRE KICKERS.
Please help me re-home him.

17/01/2024

We already all know how amazing I am. At least other lesser trainers are finally realizing it. You're welcome for being the best. Obviously

16/01/2024

How to keep your horses safe during the cold Winter months.

05/01/2024

My hair is natural.
My training techniques are natural.
My modeling skills are natural.
My horsemanship is obviously natural.
My beauty is natural.
My ability to communicate with horses on a level much higher and better than anyone else, that's natural.
My petite figure, also all natural.
So obviously I'm going to make sure my horses get the best NATURAL supplements. Super E Oil from Equi-lete is an AMAZING source of NATURAL Vitamin E.
Not synthetic garbage.
It's much more natural and better for your horse. Obviously.
It's not easy being the best barrel racer in the world and knowing everything about horses, but it comes NATURAL.
I'm here to naturally help you, obviously, so stop neglecting your horse's health and make sure they are getting enough NATURAL Vitamin E.

04/01/2024

New year, NEW ME!
I'm here to help your horse NATURALLY.
Obviously.

12/12/2023

A true Christmas MIRACLE! There is no better gift for your child than a young stallion. They can learn and grow together. Obviously.
I want to make your Christmas wishes come true, but NO TIRE KICKERS. I know exactly what I've got.

10/12/2023

Last night these ladies blasted into barrels like Helen Keller trying to parallel park between trash cans.
Tonight, only 1 girl knocked.
Why? Because I spoke out about their horrible riding.
You're welcome.
It's not easy sitting on the couch during the NFR when you're the best barrel racer in the world, but I'm still making all the other can chasers almost as amazing as I am. Obviously.

09/12/2023

I wonder if these girls know that they aren't supposed to be plowing down barrels at the NFR. I have NEVER knocked a barrel at the NFR. Obviously.
That's why I'm the best barrel racer in the world. It's not that hard to not blast into the cans, especially when you're sitting on your couch coaching.
Their horses all just need more treats.

05/12/2023

Have you ever struggled with hooking up a trailer? This will help. Obviously.

08/09/2023

Please help me save this horse!

08/09/2023

STOP USING YOUR REINS! This is the perfect example of natural horsemanship.
I'm the best barrel racer in the world, obviously, so I know just how important it is to let go of the reins and give your horse total control. Who needs reins when you have TREATS?!
When you become one with your horse and always let your horse choose the path that your fur baby wants to take, you can let go of the reins with confidence.
Trust me. It's natural. Obviously.
Just shove your feet in your stirrups as far as you possibly can, let go of the reins, hold on to your saddle horn for dear life and KICK! KICK! KICK! KICK! LOOOOOOOOK!
It's that easy.
There are people who think that my training techniques don't work, but those people are wrong. Follow me for more all natural training techniques, or follow other lesser qualified trainers if you hate your horses.

05/07/2023

What is wrong with you people. STOP BLOWING THINGS UP!
My fur babies are obviously more important than your freedom, obviously. Never in the history of the world have horses been around explosions or booming sounds. It's not natural to them and they can die from hearing fireworks.
Freedom is about doing what's best for ME and MY HORSES, it has nothing to do with setting off fireworks just because you want to.
My precious horses and their feelings are more important than your freedom, so think about them or I'm going to call the police, the township officials, PETA, the SPECA, OSHA, your mom and your preacher, because you're going to need to be ready to meet Jesus if I find out who is trying to kill my horses with fireworks.

29/06/2023

How to sell your horse for way more than it's worth.

28/06/2023

No tire kickers! I know what I have.
I was told that this philly is a direct son of Dash Ta Fame Jet Frenchmans Guy Bar Streak Of Blazin Jet Olena. He's obviously bread out the ears. Obviously.

13/06/2023

You better HOPE that isn't my horse running laps through the fairgrounds or he's about to have a come to Jesus moment!
I'm about to beat the ... I mean, give him so many treats. Obviously.

13/06/2023

Finally! The best bumper sticker in the world! This is the best way to naturally improve your horsemanship skills. Obviously.
This has been a long time coming, but worth the wait. You no longer need your magic halter or mystical training stick that other less talented trainers try to sell you.
All you need is an I SAID WHOA sticker on your truck or horse trailer and your horse, and the whole world, will know that you learned everything you know about horses from the best trainer in the world... me...THE HORSE SCREAMER.
Obviously. You're welcome.

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