15/12/2022
Losing a true friend, is never easy…. These words I have written in so many sympathy cards over the years as a veterinarian. I never new how true (and lacking) hose words would be until yesterday. Pets are more than friends, and losing them is not even close to being easy.
Finn passed peacefully away at home yesterday evening- just him and me. He took a piece of my heart with him, and although that piece will never truly heal, he gave me so much more than he took. He was my first dog, my biggest teacher, helping me find my way in veterinary medicine to a practice that resonates with my soul. He was my best friend, always listening when I had something to say (and I have a lot to say, as many of you know). He loved me no matter how busy the day was, and only asked for cuddles, pets, and good organic pasture raised grass fed food in return (he had good taste). He was the sweetest pup I could ask for and will cherish every memory of him forever.
I am grateful for the time we had together, and while I will always wish it was longer, I know that I did my best to respect what he really wanted. Cancer sucks- especially since he had to deal with it on three separate occasions. This last round (Hemangiosarcoma) he did not want to fight I could see it in his eyes, and he was ready to transition. My promise long ago was to really listen to what he wanted- to not push him beyond what he wanted and I would not force him to take his medications, herbs, or take him back into surgery if that is what he wanted. I had to let go of my selfish desires to keep him here forever this time and come to grips him deciding it was his time. He taught everything he came here to teach me.
In return, he gave us an incredible gift- time to spoil him, spend with him and time to love him extra hard. I certainly never thought I would be sleeping on the ground in a dog bed again- especially at 24 weeks pregnant- but never say never. I watched Jackson spoil him with all of his left overs (or at least try), hug him countless times, make us laugh by pointing out his butt over and over when Finn did not have the energy to walk away, and tell him nigh-nigh woof before his nap yesterday. I got to tell Finn that our second son was healthy and everything looked great on the ultrasound. And, he got to hear Brian’s voice on the phone- I called because I didn’t realize that he would pass so quickly and the moment he heard Brian he sat up looked at the phone and at me, laid down and his heart slowed and is breathing ceased the moment we hung up together.
I am forever grateful that I was able to use my knowledge of acupuncture to help him peacefully pass, it happened faster than I thought- his Qi (energy) was low and his Jing (eternal flame) only smouldering- more so than I even knew. I cannot tell you what a gift learning this beautiful medicine has been (thank you again, Finn for teaching me there are other ways) and I am committed to continuing to use it to the best of my knowledge even more so after the gift it gave us yesterday.
As I work through our time together, I have extreme gratitude and I have plenty of regrets, but I know that dogs don’t want you to have any regrets. As I try to let those go, I will continue to focus on the memories, the gifts, the love and the laughter he gave me and so many others. I am grateful that he had an 11.5 + year health span, and it was only these last 15 days that he couldn’t be the Finn he loved to be.
Rest easy my sweet boy until we meet again. I hear the fishing is easy, there are tons of paddle boards to use, boat rides, and deer to catch where you are, and you will have big stories to tell me when I get there too.
Don’t worry I know exactly where I will find you. And, I would visit if heaven weren’t so far away.
I love you Mr. Finny, thank you for every moment of these last 11.5+ years, thank you for loving Jackson even though it meant your life had to change a bit, thank you for living with us in our forever home, and for all the joy you brought to our family.
And Finn, thank you for the final lesson you taught me. You taught me how hard it is, how much it hurts to lose such a pure and beautiful soul. Although I always tried to imagine as I helped others through the process of losing their companion, now I understand more, you have always given me the gift of empathy, and this last lesson is priceless- I promise not to forget how this feels.
To every one who has been through this, I know it is different for everyone, but I am standing with you now also, trying to navigate this uncomfortable and empty feeling. I am so sorry that you are here too. At the same time I have this knowing that this is not what our dogs would want. If they had any say in this they would want us to grab that favorite toy, stick, or ball and run crazy laps in circles with utter joy on our faces-, rolling in stinky stuff, and making sure our paws were extra muddy- living in the moment just as they would. So I will try- because I have so much to be grateful and thankful for and Finn is a huge reason why I see that now.
This post is therapy for my soul. Please forgive me if I do not respond to your comments- and if you have any photos of my boy that you’re willing to share I will be forever grateful.
