06/03/2022
Trigger warning for pet illness and death.
I made this for me and others feeling like me.
In January, I found out that my dog, Dehlilah, has cancer. She's 13 years old and we've been together for 12 wonderful if sometimes challenging years. The longest relationship I've ever had. She's been my partner for work and my supporter at home. She even worked as my service dog for a time. I've organized my whole life around her.
The decision to do palliative care instead of aggressively treating the cancer has gutted me. I question it constantly, especially because she still seems so healthy and spry most of the time. She still plays and bounces around with me. I got frustrated with her pulling me at the beach yesterday wondering where her manners went, and then I caught myself because how could I be frustrated at her for feeling good enough to pull?
And then, she picks up a toy and starts bleeding on it. Or she has a bad night and paces, pants, and won't let me sleep because she's convinced I could fix it, and I feel terrible because I can't.
We don't have long left. However, I made the choice I did because I wanted her to have the highest quality of life possible right up until the end. I didn't want to risk making her suffer through the invasive procedures to only lose her to a secondary infection or something like that. Even if all went well, how much time would it have really gotten us? What would that quality of time be?
There were other considerations, too, for me and my well-being. For any one of my clients, I would have told them that it was important they consider themselves and their quality of life and finances (which obviously affects quality of life). But for me? I felt horribly, horribly selfish. I felt like I was choosing to let my best friend die for my convenience. It's not the truth. Truth is, if I thought making all the sacrifices would give us more quality time together, I would have figured out a way to make it work. My brain, unfortunately, is not always honest in its assessments of myself.
If you are struggling like I am right now, I hope this post gives you a tiny bit of peace and comfort. Much love to you đđžđ
- Nikki Moore