28/08/2022
Obituary for Spanky, please be warned, you may cry, if you don't, you probably don't have a soul.
Spanky: 2003, maybe 2004 to 10/2/2021. I’m not an avid reader of obituaries, but whenever I read/hear something in the news, you never hear that person was a bad person, you never hear about their bad qualities. That person was always the most amazing person and was always so sweet and was just so great. Well folks, Spanky, was an as***le.
Sure it started off great enough, face kisses, belly rubs, but I quickly learned that I would have to walk him 3 times a day, sometimes even four or five. We initially lived in Florida, it was freaking hot most of the year and I’m fat, so that was not a great combination. This was my first relationship like this, so this was all new to me. I had to make sure he had food AND water in the morning and night and I had to always freaking buy it, he never, ever once offered to chip in and help buy the groceries, or even HIS OWN FOOD, I had to buy it, ALWAYS. He even got special snacks that tasted awful to me but he seemed to like them.
We moved up to Buffalo, NY in 2010 and I had to spend thousands of dollars on a fence so he wouldn’t roam off, although maybe that was a sign we weren’t made for each other if he would have run off and not come back; which didn’t make sense because I learned we could go on a walk without a leash when we were on our street and he was always a couple steps behind me.
Somewhere around 2015/2016 he started to slow down a bit in different ways; when we first started living together, he would sleep in bed with me and any sort of budging him accidentally in the middle of the night would startle him and he would yell at me and I’d be all apologetic and he would just yell for a few more seconds. However, in the morning he would have the audacity to wake me up thumping his tail on the bed, like bro, come on, how would you like it if I barked at you for waking me up. He started to sleep in the closet, so he took that over and left me with no floor space, he would continue to jump into bed and thump his tail though, like really man …
Around 2018 his sleeping habits changed again, instead of jumping into bed he would whine and cry beside the bed because he was ready to go potty; light sleeper much, because heavens forbid I didn’t get up fast enough he would start to yell at me even more.
It was quite the double standard for us too in our relationship. He was allowed to sniff and talk to whomever he wanted but heavens forbid I came home smelling like another dog he huffed/puffed and wanted nothing to do with em, so I always told him I didn’t cheat on him, the dog was in my face and I didn’t touch them. Are there times I had to touch another dog, sure, but I declined to pet many dogs over the years so I could honestly tell him I didn’t cheat on him, sure didn’t seem fair he got to do whatever with whomever though.
He had a few medical issues over the years, thankfully he was pretty much a healthy dude, he did make me fork over some money for some lumps that had to be removed, nothing cancerous, finally caught a break with him it seemed, woo. He never broke any bones or anything. Recently, the past four years he would have his blood checked a couple times a year at $250-350+ each time, little bit of something here, something else there, once again he never offered to help pay, abuse level maybe?
The past few years, my family has been his personal potty patrol more and more, it started with going p*e in the house once a week, twice a week, the last year or so it’s been if we can get through a day without p*e or p**p or vomit in the house it’s a miracle. It’s like really man, you couldn’t like walk the extra three steps to at least do it on the concrete out back; speaking of concrete, sorry to all of my neighbors who have had to stare at literal dog sh*t on their driveways. Spanky decided the last six months or so of his life that p**ping on someone’s driveway was acceptable, so sorry folks. I tried to clean it up best I could with a bag, but if he wasn’t about to carry a hose to clean it up, neither was I.
My wife and I (I finally met a girl who thinks the weird stuff I do, like this, is acceptable) we’re on our honeymoon last week of September ‘21 in NYC and I get a text on Thursday the 23rd from my mom who is having her own issues (hopefully that obituary is years and years away) says to call her it’s about Spanky. I’m thinking she’s just mad she has to do the p**p/p*e patrol, well he had p**ped and p*ed in the house upwards of 7/8 times that day and my heart sunk. I was hoping it was something he ate previously. He also hadn’t eaten anything that day which was unusual. Friday he didn’t eat or drink and I’m not happy and debating coming home early but we didn’t. Saturday, same thing he didn’t eat or drink anything, we get home Sunday and he still hadn’t ate or drank anything. Spanky decides to spend another $640 at his Dogtor of choice to get hydrated and some medication, wish he would have just drank some Gatorade for $3 but he decided he was too good for it I guess.
He gets home Monday after the Dogtor and he takes a nap and gets up and drinks a ton and eats a little people food, holy h*ll he’s cured, the little as***le isn’t ready to go yet. False alarm, fast forward all week he hasn’t touched his food at all, this special expensive food because of his kidney issues (no cheap stuff for him). He’s eaten some people food and drank occasionally. I finally came to terms with it being his time and I’ll tell you what, I wish I could continue to pick up his p**s and sh*t for another few years, he had a near death call about five months prior and I’m considering this bonus time, but it doesn’t make it any easier. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and it’s absolutely destroying me, he is my first and only and ever dog, he was absolutely the perfect boy for me. I miss his tail thumping so much, I used to laugh most mornings because he would thump his tail to wake me then come in for snuggles, I miss that so much. I used to work from home and he would come in and demand attention and I gave it to him, but I wish I gave him more, I even set up a bed on my desk so he could sit with me, and he would usually stick his head into me to get pets, I miss that. He hasn’t given a kiss in 2 years or so, he’s mostly deaf now, he can sure see the deer he used to bark at, he just wants to sleep, he barely cares about anything anymore it seems, but I will miss him so freaking much that I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.
Please everyone, love your dogs a little more for me and tell them you love them, because come Saturday October 2, 2021. I won’t be able to tell Spanky how much I love him after 9am.
So that is Spanky, the as***le, but he’s my as***le that doesn’t give kisses or pets and makes me clean up his p*e and p**p. I love you and will miss you like crazy Spanky.
Helping dogs because
