Ziggy jokes

Ziggy jokes Ziggy man here please share my jokes with all your friends. Have a pawsome day.
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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside....
29/10/2022

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motor- cycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my husband is sick.

I forgot my keys in the car, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her littler prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"

What medicine does a snake take when it's sick?An anti-hiss-tamine.
28/10/2022

What medicine does a snake take when it's sick?

An anti-hiss-tamine.

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all ...
27/10/2022

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

Called in sick to work, told the boss i have A**l Glaucoma. He said "whats that?"I said "It means i can't see my butt co...
26/10/2022

Called in sick to work, told the boss i have A**l Glaucoma. He said "whats that?"

I said "It means i can't see my butt coming to work today"

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It...
24/10/2022

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?Maybe I just have a weekend immune sys...
24/10/2022

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for on...
23/10/2022

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!"

Doc gets his $100.

Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory.

Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!"

Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!".

Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated.

Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight.

Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills.

Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!"

Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."

I gotta see a doctor so had a doctor joke hope you laughed

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?Out of the way as fast as you can.
20/10/2022

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?

Out of the way as fast as you can.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette.It went in one ear and out the other.
20/10/2022

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other.

What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals?Heads, shoulders, knees and toes
19/10/2022

What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals?

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes

Why are friends a lot like snow? If you p*e on them, they disappear.
17/10/2022

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you p*e on them, they disappear.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.
17/10/2022

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph?

Its butt.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank ...
16/10/2022

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

My friend worked as a tax auditor for the government. He was dispatched to perform an audit at a nudist colony, but he d...
15/10/2022

My friend worked as a tax auditor for the government. He was dispatched to perform an audit at a nudist colony, but he didn’t uncover anything.

What do you do with a sick boat? Take is to the doc already.
14/10/2022

What do you do with a sick boat?

Take is to the doc already.

Why was the dog such a good storyteller? He knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
12/10/2022

Why was the dog such a good storyteller?

He knew how to paws for dramatic effect.

Why do dogs tend to run in circles? Because it’s really hard to run in squares.
11/10/2022

Why do dogs tend to run in circles?

Because it’s really hard to run in squares.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
09/10/2022

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

How do you cut a wave in half?You use a sea saw
08/10/2022

How do you cut a wave in half?

You use a sea saw

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon tree?A sour puss
06/10/2022

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon tree?

A sour puss

Have you heard about the nudist who never left Missouri?He was always in his show me state.
05/10/2022

Have you heard about the nudist who never left Missouri?
He was always in his show me state.

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! M...
02/10/2022

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a ti...
02/10/2022

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

When I got locked out of the house, I decided to break the window and get in. The process was paneful.
30/09/2022

When I got locked out of the house, I decided to break the window and get in.
The process was paneful.

We had to get a new vacuum cleaner. The previous one sucked.
28/09/2022

We had to get a new vacuum cleaner.

The previous one sucked.

How do you properly identify a dogwood tree?By its bark
27/09/2022

How do you properly identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark

Why is Dracula so easy to fool?Because he is a sucker!
27/09/2022

Why is Dracula so easy to fool?

Because he is a sucker!

This morning I was aiming my p*e at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my mom gets mad at meShe...
24/09/2022

This morning I was aiming my p*e at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my mom gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal bowl.

What is the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?Pumpkin Pi
24/09/2022

What is the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "T...
23/09/2022

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the...
22/09/2022

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

When you’re sad nobody sees your tears When you’re worried nobody sees your pain When you’re happy nobody sees your smil...
21/09/2022

When you’re sad nobody sees your tears
When you’re worried nobody sees your pain
When you’re happy nobody sees your smiles
But when you fart just one time everyone is there to here and smell it. lol

The other day, my mom asked me to get her lipstick but I accidentally got her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to m...
20/09/2022

The other day, my mom asked me to get her lipstick but I accidentally got her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
19/09/2022

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
18/09/2022

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
16/09/2022

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the s...
15/09/2022

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. Or trip them up.

BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER: hahahahahahaAl Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box...
13/09/2022

BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER: hahahahahaha
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now." 🤣😂

My mom told me to stop acting like a farm animal. I guess she was tired of me horsing around.
13/09/2022

My mom told me to stop acting like a farm animal.

I guess she was tired of me horsing around.

Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket? – Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can’t play gra...
12/09/2022

Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?

– Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can’t play grasshopper!

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What do you call the Easter Bunny the Monday after Easter? Eggs-hausted.

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