Esper the Borzoi (2025)

20/12/2024

We did the viral “present” dog photos, and let’s just say, MOOSE GALOOT understood the assignment. Bust my way through paper for treats? ✅ The more aggressive the better? ✅ I was surprised. I had no idea how the others would react. Sabin is still getting used to manor shenanigans but he did really well, gave us a sort of timid goat in the manger look. The biggest surprise was Ora, she HATED the tickly paper. I had to bait her through with meat, a sorta SNEEP SNORP glory hölè. You know? Maybe I shouldn’t write down EVERY thought that comes to mind.

19/12/2024

Is it enough to stare into the eyes of cheese. Does it stare back? Does it know how much I love it, or is it just there, fermenting in my feelings, aging with my desires, molding under the heat from my breath. Every time I eat you, it is like my first time. And every time you’re put back into the fridge I weep, no, not because I don’t have object permanence - I know you are there, second drawer down, the pull out one meant for lettuce with the dial for crispness - lord knows you are not. Crispy that is. It is because I miss you on my tongue. Devoured. I miss you on my jacobsen’s organ - the name the skins gave my ability to smell and taste you at the same time. I forget time, let me end your slow change into something the French would love. You don’t want to be French, you want to be lunch. Déjeuner.

18/12/2024

HARRY KOLAR got a job as a night shift janitor in Bratislava Castle. He knew all the legends, how a giant supposedly turned the building over every evening and used it as a table… but the pay was good, and the offer of free vodka and spicy goulash made it impossible to turn down- Most of the time he lived on the streets, selling old furniture, playing cards and smoking in a low and onerous squat. That night he approached the 4 tower stone mammoth with reverence and a broom. His training was minimal - who needs to train how to clean!? His drinking was masterful - I’ve been doing this all my life! By midnight, Harry was on his back contemplating. His lips and clothes were wet with stew as he stared at the roof, when suddenly it flew towards him. CRASH. The castle had been over turned. There was a low grumble outside and the putrid smell of giant perspiration filled his nostrils. Moments later the castle turned back, and Harry spent the entire night straightening up. In the morning, His boss expected his resignation when he told him they’d tried everything - showing the giant a new route home, tricking him with pigeons, poison, and even bribery. Harry smiled. “I will fix,” he walked passed his stunned boss “for now sleep, tonight I fix.” That day he collected unused furniture from friends and strangers alike then hauled it to the castle. The boss heard a weird banging during Harry’s shift. - Harry had affixed the old furniture to the floor. At midnight, the castle flipped, the giant laughed. and all the furniture Harry brought then fell to the ceiling. Pulling out his hammer, Harry nailed the new items to the roof. “I fixed,”he thought, sprawled on a stain covered chaise longue on the ceiling of the foyer. The next day, Harry convinced his boss to turn the castle into a trance club, “no one will notice giant smell and flip will be attraction.” Bratislava Castle made everyone rich, including the giant - for he was now rich with music during his table time (and less lonely).

17/12/2024

I think we can all agree pomegranates taste good but annoying af to eat. They’re hard to cut, hard to get the fruits (called airles, trust me, tina works with a Pom company), plus the whole “I am filled with permanent dye, look like an alien egg sack, and have seeds that taste wholly inedible” thing that adds to the intrigue. Maybe I just like foods that are difficult, or at least have an extra step, to keep me from shoveling it into my face like a train furnace I.e., peanuts in the shell, edamame, thumbtacks. Luckily pomegranate are not toxic to dogs, but not really recommended because it can upset their tummies (remember the borzois chocolate fondue fountain?). Some FUN FACTS: one of the oldest fruits, like 3000BC type of shizzwannawanna. The word GR***DE is derived from the French spelling of pomegranate because early versions looked like the fruit. A pomegranate once gave me advice on how to sew buttons, you would think the little spikey flappy end would be their mouth but that’s really their ejection hole - the mouth is little button end.

16/12/2024

So thankful for these two goofballs. I finally found a puppy photo I could combine - the fact that it’s nearly taken down the snoot barrel makes up for the discrepancy in snoot length and wow are the genetics are strong with these ones (you can see my failure in the previous post). I’ve never had “partially” related dogs - siblings sure, but aunt / nephew this is new for me. Sometimes Sabin will do something so attributed to Ora that I’ll double take i.e., violent elbow nudges, line of site cuteness stares, bone parading. They also both just float around- their gait is an effortless bip bounce of dancing toe beans. Other times though he’s something else entirely, some new flavor of behavior. He is calm where Ora is a toaster waiting to go into a bathtub, or he will lick my eye socket like he’s trying to taste my retina. They do sleep exactly the same - sticks up, sometimes straight, sometimes praying mantis. More and more I’m finding them napping together - I think Celes is too big and too oafish to really get comfortable next to. Really excited to see what quirks this monster develops.

15/12/2024

I wanted to do a cute face combine series with puppy Ora and puppy Sabin. It sorta works at first, but Sabin’s snoot growth was so much more rapid that in just a couple months we started to look like Sloth from the Goonies (pic 2 & 3) as reference. BABY RUTH - is a highly underrated candy bar. I’m a peanut guy. There’s also some debate about its name origin, some say it’s because of Babe Ruth (pic 4 just noticed everything on his face turns down), other’s say Ruth Cleveland, the daughter of President Grover (pic 5, sadly she passed of diphtheria at the age of 12 in 1904 but continues to haunt a riverbank for sure). Either way it was the most popular candy bar in American in 1928, subsequently the same year as Mickey Mouse’s debut (pic 6 - steamboat Willie is also the nickname I gave to my Willie) and Penicillin’s invention by Alexander Fleming (pic 7, every photo he looks like he just got caught licking the petri dishes), much to the chagrin of bacteria everywhere. Finished it out with puppy photos. Enjoi- pronounced en j-wa

14/12/2024

An aesthetic collection. The first photo feels weird because the jouch could be someone’s leg. I don’t know why we have a jouch, but now that we do, it’ll have to remain. It’s addicting. Maybe jed sheets next, or a jhaise longue, perhaps a jining room jable - I think I draw the line at denim food surfaces, I think. Imagine a denim cafeteria, slick with sloppy Joe juice- sloppy Joe means there exists a meticulous Joe. In pic 2 you can see a denim jog jed. Nothing else going on. Do I still have a fever? Who knows. Next we got a cabbage hat followed by a taco.

13/12/2024

1979. This is my parent’s first borzoi, Vacya. It’s funny how history repeats, the way my mom describes her, she was a lot like Esper - minus the tornado 3 and constant need for purchasing beets at open market and selling them to foreigners for a pittance of arbitrage. In the back of picture 2 is Akhim, I remember him vaguely, except for one vivid event. My dad, a human physician, had tried to evacuate an infected butt gland, the horrors of that has stuck us, probably changed us all on a genetic level- it exploded all over him so violently. This was our family’s Pompeii, we are all still frozen in that moment. Pic 3, you can see Vacya’s meager “winnings” as a show dog. They had no real desire to do it, just wanted to see what it was all about and ended up placing. Pic 4 I tried to take a cute picture on the same rug. It was gonna tie this heartfelt journey together, but they ended up looking like Halloween decorations. What was I even trying to say.

12/12/2024

These are some of my favorite neck shots from this year- I mean shots as in photographs you freak. The second neck and subsequent third slide might indicate that I’ve entered my surrealist period. I need a pencil mustache and some kind of standard “outfit.” I’ve always wanted to just dress like Obi-Wan in real life, now’s the time I guess. Jacobi-wan. I’ll see myself out.

11/12/2024

I didn’t know this, but turtlenecks were invented in the 15th century to prevent knights from getting chaffed by their chainmail. I wear them to prevent chaffing from all damn albatrosses I have around my neck. “Turtleneck” is a very apropos name, but to be honest I can think of AT LEAST ONE body part that or resembles more. I could imagine them being tortuous too, ponder a woolen turtleneck, now picture that it has gotten wet somehow. Good lord. I’m sure this has been made, but I want a hyper realistic flesh colored turtleneck matched to my pink undertones. I think that’s enough for this morning’s ruminations, praise be to the hose. Also, this HIGHLY CUSTOM (hehe) garment is from

10/12/2024

SABIN is now 8.5ish months, the same age as Esper was when we adopted her. He is now taller than Celes and I realized yesterday that he has the coloring and desire for romaine lettuce of a giant ferret. Take a look at pics 1-3, they are very very ferret like. If a ferret saw Sabin it would immediately start worshiping him as some kind of mythological creature - the Feralzoi (I feel a photoshop coming on, I’ll report tomorrow). 8.5months is a personality development time and I realize Sabin tends to err in timid / lack of confidence (also like Esper). I prefer this energy over MOOSE, who leans into the LUMPNESS- ask forgiveness rather than permission. Or Ora who just thinks she’s too smart for everyone and takes off (pic 5). Sabin just doesn’t realize his glory yet, and it’s fun to show them how to be as weird as possible while maintaining order here at the Manor.

09/12/2024

Ora told me she was going to grant wishes this year. I was skeptical but told her I wanted a life sized borzoi chocolate fondue fountain. Much to my chagrin, all three of my dogs had leaky bum syndrome last night. Technically I got my wish but in a sort of monkey’s paw way. So you’ve been warned. That’s one thing I’ll tell you about having big dogs, if they get tummy problems it’s like owning a possessed soft serve machine but the flavor is always chocolate. Multiply that times three, needing to go out every 15-30 minutes, and their cycles weren’t even synced. My door was like the turnstile to enter the bathroom at a chili cookoff (imagine if bathrooms had rotating doors lolololol) My yard looks like a mini golf course but all the “holes” are deceptive puddles of refuse at various stages. Feel free to leave any wishes below, I’ll read them to her later.

07/12/2024

We all know a Becky
sneep SNORP
You don’t have to keep reading
That’s it
You’re still there?
Watch for sharks
\_____)\_____
/—v____ __`<
)/
‘
Tried to warn you

06/12/2024

If you’re not comfortable saying it out loud, just point to the face you feel best represents your rage. Other pictures are provided as context / grounding. I’m absolutely #4 today, like a tinderbox, but it’s Friday so I’m holding it together. I am also feeling much better, which means I can begin processing all the things that anger me, like the sound of chewing, the way they package ground coffee (you’re telling me the best you came up with was a flat twist tie or like adhesive that never works), cilantro, dog hairs that get in your eye, stubbing anything, and motorcycles that are loud but not fast. Feel free to list anything you want here too, help you vent.

05/12/2024

The minty bone wars have escalated of late, as Ora has learned a new physiological tactic. She will not only parade her Greenie around, technically they are - SPONSOR ME THE GOATS LOVE THEM. Sorry for the outburst, I’m still febrile and cash poor. So she will hold her unadulterated bone for HOURS in her mouth (pictured), then once the other zois finally lay down to take a nap she will drop them, just close enough that they get up, then she will sn**ch it away when they get close. It’s like monkey in the middle but with goats, bones and teasing- MINTY GOAT FISHING. The other goats are tired. We are all tired. Ora thinks this is the best thing she’s ever discovered. You know, I tried a Mintie and it wasn’t that bad, like I had a mildly intrusive thought and I wished I could just brush my teeth with food. I would like to report that they are, indeed, minty af. Teeth are so weird man, we are just cool with exposed bones in our mouths. Exposed bone on your leg = hospital, but in your mouth we are not just cool with it, I mean nice teeth are attractive. I hate it.

#かわいい

04/12/2024

“Wasup!?” Ur gǒddåmñ neck.
This joke woke me up in the middle of the night. Yay.
I am really enjoying my time on the internet. Some days people express to me that my content means a lot to them, other days I’m called a beta because I cried one time. Maybe they meant betta fish- it’s true I don’t like to be touched and in reality earth is just a tiny fish bowl of breathable air in this inconceivably large universe of ours. In real life, I am about as enigmatic as a riddle on a popsicle stick. If I got cast in the Titanic I would be Billy Zane’s character, Caledonia Hockley - though I think it’s too late to win an MTV Movie Award nomination for “Best Villain” and a Blockbuster Entertainment Award. That ship has sailed. And sunk. It’s also too late to tell you all that I’m running a fever? A mild one. I like the make necks when I have a fever.

03/12/2024

Yesterday I was a 9 cause Moose Galoot barfed a few times. She’s fine. Grass mostly, maybe a little dirt. Today I’m a 5 cause I don’t know if it’s gonna be crap or not (praying for peanut butter). Also, for pic 2, someone asked for the neckified version of yesterday’s photo- I’m a company man. Let me do it for you. Didnt I do it for you, kermie. Stay safe out there in these weird days between holidays.

02/12/2024

I’ll often find ora sitting around the house Ike a gargoyle. It doesn’t seem like it, but this means she wants pets. She won’t deign to walk her body near you, she will just place herself in your field of view like a mannequin in a street side store window, just praying you want to run your fingies on her over priced coat. I think it disgusts her that there are soft spots she cannot itch, or simply that her own feet cannot compare to the opposable delights of human phalanges. It’s a struggle to pretend to not want something you genuinely want. Recently, she has begun standing on higher vantages, like this little wall in pic 5, to bring herself to human eye level (pic 5). This is my favorite cause I can smooch her like a the little fur covered person she thinks she is.
#かわいい

Esper the Borzoi