Esperborzoi

Esperborzoi Jacob Chattman & the Borzois of Mantis Manor

Celes got into an altercation with some fart kittens yesterday (if you haven’t already seen the reel) and I think it’s i...
10/09/2025

Celes got into an altercation with some fart kittens yesterday (if you haven’t already seen the reel) and I think it’s important to talk about because if you ever want a borzoi and live anywhere remote… this gonna a happen. It really gives you a concept of their “murder mode,” Celes got sprayed a few times directly into the face and had I not gotten her outta there, she woulda eaten god’s little monochrome rancid rat for dinner (pic 3). She didn’t care. She cared after she calmed down (last pic, the oracle is helping.). Ok, so WHAT TO DO. Get. To. The. Smell. Early. Apply a LIBERAL AMOUNT of this solution (1 quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide, 1/4 cup of baking soda, and 1-2 teaspoons of liquid dish soap). LET IT DRY. That will neutralize the OIL. It’s not p*e (as I thought) it’s an oily solution from this fun little glands by the stink squirrel’s anoose. Wash the dog. Repeat if necessary. The other thing is, WHEN (not if) your borzoi tears a skunk into black, white, and red bits, you need to make sure they have their rabies shot.

10/09/2025

RECIPE: 1 quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide.1/4 cup baking soda.1-2 teaspoons of dishwashing liquid, such as Dawn.

TOTALLY NORMAL Monday here at the Manor. Sabin is still catching balls as dramatically as possible, grunting like a tenn...
09/09/2025

TOTALLY NORMAL Monday here at the Manor. Sabin is still catching balls as dramatically as possible, grunting like a tennis player during labor. Truth be told he’s just that guy, can’t sit still, horrible to be next to on a couch (see pic 3). MUNCH. Since I’ve been in Locke’s room, Celes demands to sleep in there. The Oracle loves the addition and Moose Galoot loves the attention - it’s a win/win for them but I no longer have anywhere to sleep. Speaking of sleep, Ora is finding newer ways to look completely uncomfortable (last pics). Often choosing to sleep like you just wrung her out like a towel. It’s also wheat seed season (and burs and goat heads) so I’m constantly cutting out mats - the only benefit of sleeping like this is that I can see them.

08/09/2025

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GRETA FRANKLIN always wanted to go to space. She attended space camp, had space-themed bed sheets, and loved the Discove...
08/09/2025

GRETA FRANKLIN always wanted to go to space. She attended space camp, had space-themed bed sheets, and loved the Discovery Store at the mall. She dreamed of piloting a shuttle to space and repairing the holes in the ozone to save the pandas. Her aspirations were crushed at a young age when, during a middle school health fair, it was discovered she was severely colorblind- so severely that the doctors questioned if she could see color at all. Perhaps it was the black-and-white contrast of the stars, the gray ombré of the moon, or the lifeless yet mesmerizing gradients of nebulae, visible only to her, that inspired her life’s mission. Undeterred, Greta pursued her dream. She became an astrophysicist, joined NASA, ran missions from the ground, and cried tears of joy when new high-definition images of Jupiter were released. One day, a soil sample from Mars was brought to her lab. Among the debris was a small, grayish rock- smooth, warm, and unassuming. No one else paid it much attention. “Just a normal alloy,” they said. But Greta could see something, as if p*ering through it. With a small chisel-head hammer, she carefully cleaved the rock in half. A marble-sized orb of brilliant blue rolled out- its glow vivid and otherworldly. Yet to everyone else, it appeared void black, inert. They mocked her, dismissing her insistence that the orb was extraordinary. But Greta persisted. She studied it obsessively, refusing to give up. Then, one day, her custom oscilloscope blinked- once, then again. A pattern emerged: intelligent, deliberate. A message from intelligent life hidden in a previously unknown form of radiation (slide 4 is the message from the aliens). They called it The Greta Radiation.

ABSOLUTELY CONQUERED 8 today. You’ll only see more TARTS in a line at a downtown London club. I am not gonna lie I was ...
06/09/2025

ABSOLUTELY CONQUERED 8 today. You’ll only see more TARTS in a line at a downtown London club. I am not gonna lie I was worried about the stability but frosting and pastry shapes really lent itself to excellent friction. MUCH MORE SO than the string cheese. I will have to buy more pop tarts now since there was a CATASTROPHIC EJECTION right after these photos. She yeeted the absolute F out of them into the open dishwasher- you can see it in the last few photos when we CRUISED through 6 tarts. They are lost. My dishes… soiled… my soul…. Fulfilled.

06/09/2025

Hose goats don’t wake you up like regular animals, they prefer to stare at you, let their subconscious mind infect your perception, make you paranoid - you wake up in cold sweats, you swear something is watching you (it is). What do they want? Who the f knows. They just spurt our riddles and go back to sleep, leaving you confused, mind ravaged by their telepathy.

I’ve been sleeping on the floor in The Oracle’s room while Tina has the bedroom with the newborn skin sluglet. That way ...
05/09/2025

I’ve been sleeping on the floor in The Oracle’s room while Tina has the bedroom with the newborn skin sluglet. That way I have extra juice to get up real early and do the husbandly support duties. The goats don’t seem to care (pictures maybe opine otherwise?). Last night, in full REM cycle, my son sits up in his crib “ DADDY!” The panic of his voice ripping me awake like severe turbulence on a cross Atlantic flight. “Yes, son” I answered tentatively, fully expecting that something horrific had happened in his diaper. There is a long pause. A thinking pause. “Do fire trucks have engines?” His cute voice rife with genuine worry. “Yes they do,” I answer calmly, still trying to assess. In the murky dark, illumined only by a nightlight in the bathroom through a crack door, I see his small frame sling itself back down into the covers, wiggling in like some kind of marsupial. “Good,” he says, as sleep instantly captures him again. I lie awake. Just shocked enough, just tired enough, that the hilarity of what just happened careens into my mind in violent spasms. I laugh into my pillow. Desperately muffling my giggles.

MEME THURSDAY(Because when you have a freshly ejected skin puppy time is suddenly relative)
04/09/2025

MEME THURSDAY
(Because when you have a freshly ejected skin puppy time is suddenly relative)

CARL WITHERBEE was the type of man who loved the ocean, but only in the cruise ship sort of way- safe, convenient, and t...
03/09/2025

CARL WITHERBEE was the type of man who loved the ocean, but only in the cruise ship sort of way- safe, convenient, and thoroughly tamed. He often quipped that his entire life should be “all-inclusive.” On Friday, May 23rd, Carl was leaving work at 11 a.m., as he always did. After 39 years at the law firm, no one dared question it, though he liked to tell the interns that he was allowed to leave early because he gave 110% Monday through Thursday. This particular Friday, Carl ran over a small creature with his truck. He only stopped because it got stuck in his grill. Upon inspection, it turned out to be a tiny man wearing a red hat. The gnome, as one might expect, was furious and cursed Carl: nothing in his life would ever be included again. No free sodas. No buffets. No airplane peanuts. No turn-down service. Nada. Nothing. But Carl was a seasoned lawyer, a man of many clever strategies. Every time he was denied an included item, he sued for discrimination, deftly flipping the gnome’s magic against him. Over time, Carl won case after case, eventually becoming the richest man in the world.

It sure feels like spooky season has begun. The clouds are thicc the goats are long. I’ve been taking to calling the new...
02/09/2025

It sure feels like spooky season has begun. The clouds are thicc the goats are long. I’ve been taking to calling the new skin puppy “nugglet” and this time around Ora is taking on the protector role. She makes me feel inadequate, anytime I’m handling newborn duties alone she watches me. I feel like it’s my first day at a new factory and the manger is seeing if I lied on my resume… but I’ve made widgets before, it’s easy now, I’m just nervous because of their hawkish gaze. Look. I only dropped the first one once, maybe twice. He turned out great. Celes seems less concerned this time around, “my job is to guard the gate now and look for cicadas to eat.” The mornings are full of feral munching. I feel bad for the cicadas in my yard, spend like 7 years underground just to be eaten like a by an eldritch terror

They say history repeats, but it’s more of a remix - sampled melodies in new compositions, rhythms like echoes of memori...
01/09/2025

They say history repeats, but it’s more of a remix - sampled melodies in new compositions, rhythms like echoes of memories. Certain themes are amplified while others fade into background noise of space. I never consciously thought about the life I had created, but now I see the past - pic 1 is The Oracle (my boyyyyyyyy) pic 2 and 3 are me. Both children feral with borzoi love, he even likes to take polaroids of snoots like his father - the rest of the post can be considered his first professional collection. I have consumed myself with what it means to be a success, I have pushed myself to brink of meltdowns, I continuously thrash as hard as I can to do the best that I can while rippling behind me is the song I have woven, like tapestry undulating in time. I try to shake out the wrinkles, the discordant notes, do a mastering pass before I let family listen - A polished version of the rough cut that plays in my mind so they can write their own tracks based on the best of me.

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