02/07/2023
Dear client,
Welcome to our practice. The following are some suggestions of how to make things most pleasant for our staff.
*Please don't bring any money or credit cards with you. Especially if it's an issue that will cost hundreds to treat. We really aren't a business with bills to pay and all of the staff are volunteers.
*As you have already figured out your scheduled appointment time is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it and do as you please.
*If you are not going to show up, please do not call. We like the suspense of trying to figure out what you are going to do. Sometimes we run bets on it. So as you can see, calling and informing us of your intentions would just take the fun out of our day.
* Verbal abuse is always appreciated. If possible, wait till the waiting room is full. Please be creative in your profanity, we all like to expand our vocabulary.
* After your visit please be sure to bash our vets and staff on social media. Make sure you give us a fabulous one star review too! We know we are a bunch of $&* # ups so please point it out for the world to see! We love the negative attention!
* Do not put your dog on a leash or your cat in a carrier. Just let them loose as soon as you walk in. The staff enjoys a little pandemonium.
*Bring as many small children as possible. Three or more is preferred. If you don't have that many borrow from your neighbors (look for the most poorly behaved). Make sure they all have juice and crayons because we love to clean. Also, we encourage them to jump on the furniture, play rough with the hospital cat, and go through the drawers.
*Do not bring any prior records as we requested when booking your appointment. Calling other clinics gives us time to catch up with old friends.
*We're just kidding when we suggest that you bring stool or urine. That's gross. We'll just get it off our waiting room floor after your dog relieves him/herself everywhere
*Please feel free to stay on your cell phone. Handless headsets are preferred because it really makes it challenging to figure out if you are talking to us or the person on the phone. Make sure to call back later and ask us questions about all the things we were trying to explain during your appointment.
* When giving information about your pet be as vague as possible. The doctor is psychic and can communicate with your pet, so its really just a formality anyway. Make sure if you give the pets symptoms to our technician that you leave most of the information out or tell her something completely different than you will tell the doctor. We love for you to waste her time.
* Be sure to insist we follow your breeder's recommendations. Or your cousins, friend’s, breeders recommendations. Especially about anesthesia and vaccines. Our schooling and training really doesn't teach us much, so we appreciate the guidance.
*Give medications as you see fit. We just put instruction labels on them because the label printer is cool. We understand that when the condition doesn't resolve it is our fault not yours.
*Don't tell us all the other vets had to muzzle your dog till after he/she tries to bite. Keeps our reflexes sharp. Besides, its more of a challenge to muzzle a dog once he/she is all worked up.
*If your cat is hissing and upset, please put your hands and face as close to his/her mouth as possible. He/she would never bite you. If a bite did occur from your own stupidity, it is our fault anyway.
*Ignore the 'employees only' signs. Just wander around as you please. Stick your hands in all the cages. If your child is wandering around, we prefer him/her to be barefoot.
* If your pet is sick please wait a minimum of three days before having him/her seen. Bonus if it’s been weeks! Also, be sure to exhaust all treatments available over the counter, with your essential oils dealer, within Facebook groups, or at the pet store before bringing him/her in to be examined. Oh, and ten minutes before close on a Saturday is the perfect time to call and tell us you're coming in. Better yet, just show up unannounced!
* Always complain about the bill. We know our prices are too high. In general, we tend to be greedy and don't care about your animal. Please make sure to slam us all over Yelp, Facebook and other social media!
*Feel free to agree verbally and in writing to all fees, especially to the expensive ones. Then, after the diagnostics/treatments are performed, and only then, inform us that you have no actual money, but that you can pay us $10 a week until it is paid off. And make sure that you actually don’t pay us at all! We love to work for free or in the red!
*Please be sure to let us know of all illnesses you THINK your pet may have because you looked it up online and talked to multiple “experts” in your chat groups. Then please be sure to dictate to us how your pet should be cared for.
* Please wait until we have put our stethoscope in our ears before you decide to tell us very important information about your pet (or past pets, or friend's pet) that may or may not have had similar (or completely unrelated) symptoms last week (or 20 years ago). We love having to stop in the middle of our exam to pull out our stethoscope and feign interest and ask 'what?'
* Please , please feel free to utilize our personal cell phones in the middle of the night for your ever so not emergency questions that you refuse to be seen on emergency for because you don’t want to pay us. But feel free to suck up MY time for free while I’m trying to sleep.
* Please be sure to utilize Chewy , Pet Meds and others because we enjoy having their faxes and never ending calls suck up all our time for someone else to make a profit on the items we actually prescribe for your pets. And when they mess up your pets prescription and your pet gets sick- of course blame us and expect us to pay for pets said treatment. And when we refuse to treat for free, please make sure to call the local Veterinary Board and report us! Cause we don’t have enough stress on our hands day in and day out!
We look forward to caring for your pet. If you have any suggestions about what we can do to make life easier for you and more difficult for us, please do not hesitate to let us know.
**In early summer we will generously vet all your injuries (physical & mental ones) when you bring us a young (preferably imprinted) wild bird you saved from its parents!!!!
