03/09/2023
Another past baby ❤️. Out of all of her babies so far, reminds me the most of his mother Darla... not only does he look so much like her (those eyes!) But his personality too....I know he's got his own little soul but there is never going to be a day when that soul didn't come from Darla.
The joy I felt from my babies growing up so beautifully, knowing they were being loved just the way they needed...it was like sitting down and leaning back into paradise.
----
Recently, 'Dora' told me that even though her actions are killing me (figuratively, folks), I should get over it.
I don't often hear that word, 'kill'. In fact, this was the second time I've ever heard it in reference to me. The first time happened a long time ago, when my mom explained why she had to kill me.
My mom's not crazy: she's intelligent, educated, and sophisticated...she just happened to grow up in a culture with values that oppose ours.
Given the values she was taught, killing me made a lot of sense. Explaining the reasoning behind her conclusion stopped me from seeing her as a monster: I could see her as just another mom trying to do her moral duty to the world.
Obviously literal murder is far more serious than figurative murder, but the more I thought about it the more similarities I saw in how the two think.
Dora's convinced that she's just doing the right thing.. like my mom was.
Dora knows that her doing what she thinks is right will likely result in losing me (in some way).
The only significant difference that I've seen so far is that my mom didn't demand I be okay with the emotional equivalent of a non-fatal stab wound.
Dora, I know you're reading: It wasn't fair of me to expect from you what I got from my mom, so whatever: it's fine.
I'm not sharing this to be dramatic: breeding was always something I did for and from my soul...and now that my soul is changing, I don't know where or how breeding will fit once this settles down.
Welcome to the next leg of the journey, folks.