Shadow

09/12/2019

Last year, as we dug through the holiday kitsch at Target looking for little stockings with the initials of all 4 cats - Cora, Brodie, Shadow, and Pearl - I remember feeling like getting one for Shadow was a necessary act of defiance.

We had just received his definitive diagnosis of a massive tumor pressing against his heart, lung, trachea, and spinal cord, and were in the process of scheduling his last, best hope for survival: stereotactic radiation treatment. It felt almost absurd to be shopping for knitted novelties in light of this, but it also felt...important. He wasn’t dead yet. He was, despite his disease, still enjoying Cat Things (like lounging under the Christmas tree). He was - is - family.

This will be our first Christmas without him in a decade. His siblings, Brodie and Cora, had their 10th birthday in August; little Pearl will be 2 next April. I am beginning to realize that part of being an adult is accepting that holidays become bittersweet at a certain point, and that this only becomes more true as the years go by.

I am not cynical enough to give up on holidays; I’m not a believer in anything supernatural or divine, but I believe (in the words of one of my favorite musical acts, Ayreon) that “the meaning of life is to give life meaning”. And I have chosen to keep holidays as a time for connecting with family and friends (and pets), for considering throughout the season how I can show love in the ways that they might most appreciate based on who they are as individuals.

Still - I almost left Shadow’s stocking in storage this year. I had been dreading even seeing it.

But when I pulled it out today, along with the others, I found that I couldn’t shove it back out of sight in a box. When I look at it, all I want to do is fill it for him, but of course since he can’t open it himself now, I plan to keep it in view near his urn for the season. To remind me, every time I glance at it, that all the love I still have for him did not die with him.

01/12/2019

1 year ago today...we were at the vet with Shadow, and learned after preliminary testing that things did not look promising.

He was so brave, and so patient about everything. I still wish we could have figured out something earlier on, but he’d received a clean bill of health just 1 week prior to that! We only went back in because I couldn’t shake the feeling something wasn’t right. I wish with all my heart I had been mistaken.

Looking at this photo, though...his entire being is saying so much. He looks like a beautiful badass rock star, because he was, and I know he knew we were doing our best for him. 🖤

30/11/2019

Hey Shadow-folks...I know it’s been a while since I (Anne, Shadow’s human) posted here. I got incredibly busy with work and home renovations, and also not up for feeling quite so “exposed”, as this is a public page.

Basically, I needed to Internet-hibernate for a while, and I may need to do so again at some point.

But - it’s been a year to the day now since we found out that something was very wrong (though we didn’t know for sure it was cancer until a few days later). And this anniversary of sorts is dredging up a lot. So I may have some things to say here in the coming weeks.

First, though - I wanted to make sure and say *THANK* you to everyone who was here to offer support during the darkest of days last year and earlier this year. And of course to everyone who has donated to Shadow’s memorial fund through Frankie’s Friends. I appreciate all of this more than any words can express. 🖤 I hope you and your pets are well and happy.

28/07/2019

Did you know that cat conventions are a thing? Well, I went to one today and SO wished I could get this for Shadow! (He really did have the BEST meow...and he would have loved wearing a bandana!)

24/07/2019

7 months ago today you took your last breath, and I am glad I could at least be there with you for it. There was no way I was letting you go alone, and I think - I hope - you understood. You were (and are) so completely loved. I keep a bit of your fur in this locket, and in this box, I have the dust that used to be your bones. The physical totems are less important than the memories, though, and the shape of your life which has irreversibly altered my own (for the better). I miss you, little guy. 🖤🖤🖤

22/07/2019

7 months tomorrow since the end of the Shadow Era. I still feel like he wasn’t done living, and that his death was an aberration in the timeline. But - my chest doesn’t feel like it has a ragged hole in it anymore. I found myself smiling, rather than crying, yesterday when I suddenly recalled what it was like to get home and receive an exuberant greeting from my sweet boy. I am so glad to have been able to give him a home for his 9 years, and I am pretty sure he enjoyed the vast majority of his life. None of that makes it okay that he got that awful cancer, but I am relieved that I’ve gotten to the point where the happy memories are bigger and brighter than the awful ones. 🖤

02/07/2019

I hung this photo up in my cubicle at work the week it became clear Shadow was very, very ill. During those last days, I spent as much time as I could just sitting with him, brushing his fur (which he loved until the end) and telling him how awesome he was. He would sometimes grab and hug my arm like this and just hold it there for as long as I was willing to stay.

Initially, the photo served as a reminder to me that he was still alive (when I was at work and thus unable to be with him). When he died, I could not bear to take it down. I still can’t. I just keep adding random fridge poetry magnets to it as I find them. Maybe that’s weird, but I have gotten to where I now find it oddly comforting to get to work and see him every day, even though it’s just a snapshot of a memory. 🖤

25/06/2019

Happy memory of the day: Brodie and Shadow, sharing carefree sunbeam cuddles.

20/06/2019

This might sound morbid to some - but I keep thinking it would be interesting to make a video game about Shadow.

Specifically, one where you a play a character whose cat recently, by all appearances, "died"...only it turns out he was actually summoned to some sort of parallel/underworld dimension to fight evil and help save the world from something trying to break through into normal reality.

The character would join Shadow in his quest and, along the way, learn all about everything he has been doing to protect the universe. And then at the end, the protagonist would have to come to grips with returning to normal life and letting Shadow do what he was called to do. So the ending would be bittersweet, but beautiful in the sense that the characters would be able to go on with their lives, in whatever form, knowing they would always be loved and remembered.

Of course, superShadow would have access to all kinds of fancy outfits and upgrades (like the dragon wings I always imagined him having).

This probably won't actually ever happen, as I have waaaay too many hobbies as it is, and don't have the tools or background for game programming as of now. But I like to think about the possibility regardless. Even though it would obviously be a work of imaginative fiction, I have no shame about realizing wish-fulfillment fantasies through artistic expression.

I am pretty sure Shadow isn't actually waiting for me to come find him in a parallel dimension so we can take up our magical swords together and do the Hero's Journey thing, but, good grief, I wish so hard that he was, and I think it would be a great tribute to him to illustrate this narrative.

[(Image credit: lucky978, via deviantart)
https://www.deviantart.com/lucky978/art/Rainbow-Kitty-Dragon-450937137]

15/06/2019

This is a photo of youngShadow standing up to investigate a tipped-over container that may have had crunchies in it. I am posting it because it’s a photo I like, and one that shows both his adorableness and ambitious curiosity.

Shadow was, of course, a fabulous and majestic cat, but he could also be a big goofy dork sometimes, and he embraced the, er, “earthy” side of life with unmatched enthusiasm.

Case in point: today, for some reason, I found myself recalling the way he would clean his rear end with such vigor and volume that I could hear the horrible sucking sounds from clear across the house! I would usually yell something like, “Shadow, that’s GROSS! Lick your butt QUIETLY!”

Now, though - I never thought I would be saying this, but I would give anything to hear that awful slorping noise again. I guess when you love someone, it’s true that even their annoying habits can stick in your mind as a kind beacon of proof of their life. 🖤😹

03/06/2019

Happy memory of the day: couch snuggles with my lovely boy. 🖤🖤🖤

01/06/2019

Happy memory of the day: I’ve been reminiscing a lot about last June’s kitten-fostering adventure, which began just about a year ago. Shadow was always wonderful with fosters - he hung out and treated them like family, and the kittens (including Pearl, who ended up being our first foster fail!) really seemed to look up to him. Here he is with baby Pearl and her feral mama Daphne. 🖤

29/05/2019

I am thrilled to announce that Shadow's memorial fund is live!

Thanks SO much to the excellent folks at Frankie's Friends for making this possible.
Nobody is obligated to donate, of course, but all are certainly welcome.

https://frankiesfriends.kindful.com/?campaign=1019304

Contributions made in Shadow's honor are tax-deductible, and his fund will be specifically allocated to help fund medical care for cats with cancer whose humans are in need of financial assistance.

Frankie's Friends also created a lovely memorial page for Shadow here:
https://www.frankiesfriends.org/in-memory-of/2019/5/in-loving-memory-of-shadow
..but please use the donation link above to make sure contributions go into his particular fund.

The love Shadow brought to the world through his very existence is a force to be reckoned with, and cancer does NOT get to have the last word here.

Shadow, adopted as a feral kitten in 2009, was a sweet, talkative, empathetic character of a cat. He loved music, enjoyed wearing sweaters (really!), and never did anything halfway. He was a true friend to his brother Brodie, his sister Coraline, his "niece" Pearl the kitten, to all the foster kitte...

28/05/2019

Happy memory of the day: the original trio, watching the world outside the kitchen window.

I miss dear Shadow for himself, and also for the sake of those 9 incredible years of getting to live with this whole wonderful little family.

I remain so grateful that Cora and Brodie are still here with us. They will celebrate their 10th birthday in August. 🖤🖤🖤

25/05/2019

Happy memory of the day: yard work with Shadow. He was always a good one for keeping us company and chomping some of that pesky grass!

23/05/2019

Ok, so this “Shadow Fund” thing may be getting closer to becoming a reality! There aren’t a ton of pet-medical-care assistance charities out there, but today I talked to an absolutely wonderful representative from an organization called Frankie’s Friends.

Their reason for existence is to do exactly what I want Shadow’s memorial fund to accomplish: that is, to help save the lives of pets whose humans may not be able to afford their treatments without assistance.

Once I get things a bit more organized, Shadow will have his own entry on the Memorials page over at Frankie’s Friends, and I will be able to designate donations in his honor specifically to cancer care for cats.

Note that this isn’t set up *yet*, and if you have any interest in donating, I want to ask that you please wait until I post a link to Shadow’s page there, as it doesn’t exist quite yet. But - I am REALLY glad there may be a way to get help from an established charity to make this work.

I can’t bring Shadow back to life - but, now, it is looking more likely that other cats will get a chance to live, because *he* lived. That means a lot. And while cancer may occasionally win a battle, it will NOT win this war. My boy will be avenged every time cancer is beaten, anywhere, for any cat who is able to access treatment in his memory. 🖤🖤🖤

https://www.frankiesfriends.org

Frankie's Friends save pets’ lives by providing grants that partially cover the cost of life-saving or life-enhancing emergency or specialty care for pets whose families cannot afford the full cost of treatment.

22/05/2019

Happy memory of the day: Shadow, when I would come in for a break while working in the garage. He would often just be lolling on the couch, enjoying the sun, and would greet me by rolling over and going “rrrrreeeeow!” when I walked in. And then I would end up spending more time in the house than I’d intended, because he would grab my arm and rub his face on it and purr. 🖤

21/05/2019

I've admittedly been a bit down in the dumps for the past week or so, with a lot of sadness bubbling back up over Shadow's passing.

Only I know it's not JUST about Shadow at this point - it's kind of a general malaise prompted by lots of horrible stuff in the news, my grandfather dying, one of my best friends being hospitalized with 2 broken vertebrae, my parents' little dog being very sick, and so on. It's just been...kind of a heck of a year in a lot of ways, and while I'm still probably one of the most fundamentally optimistic people I know by virtue of temperament, all this sickness and death has me feeling kind of...powerless, I guess.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that even just making sure someone you care about doesn't feel alone in their struggling counts as "doing something", but I can't help wishing I could do more somehow.

All that said, though, I'm actually feeling quite a bit better today. I think the dark, rainy weather over the weekend (weather I usually favor!) was contributing to the funk somewhat. Even us goth-adjacent types need a *bit* of sunlight, apparently. And the sun came out a bit yesterday and this morning.

I also slept very well last night, and had a very amusing dream about Shadow. It was weird in the manner that dreams tend to be, and not especially profound, but even so...it was nice to "see" him, even if it was just a creation of my mind's eye. In the dream, Matt had cooked up a batch of homemade donuts, and for whatever reason, left them outside on the patio table. And then (again, in the dream) Shadow pranced into view, looking shiny and splendid and perfectly healthy. He jumped up on the table and started chowing down on donuts. I said something like, "Shadow?! What are you doing there?", and he replied (because dream-versions of my cats can talk), "Listen...I'm a ghost now, and ghost cats get to be outside and have ALL the donuts we want!" And I just started cracking up at that, and woke up smiling. :)

So, yeah, grief is definitely NOT a linear thing, and moreover, the older one gets, the more encounters one is bound to have with misfortune striking close to home. In the past year, I rather feel as if I've gained a level in adulthood, in a sense; to make an analogy to the Harry Potter books, I think I'd definitely be able to see thestrals now. But I'm okay, and right now, it is starting to feel possible to make a positive difference in the world again.

(Photo: a very young Shadow, bright-eyed and ready for adventure!)

20/05/2019

My dragon boy 🖤. I scroll through my phone photos now and there’s still so much Shadow. What an awesome, awesome cat he was. I was so lucky to know him. It’s still not right that he had to get that awful cancer. I mean, just look at him. He’s supposed to be alive.

18/05/2019

Happy memory of the day: Shadow helping me with laundry. Hey, he was really good at keeping it warm! 🖤

17/05/2019

RIP to the fabulous, famous Grumpy Cat. 😿

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grumpy_Cat

Like Shadow, she passed on far too soon - she was only 7, and apparently died due to complications of a urinary tract infection.

I always sort of wondered what she thought of all the attention she got over the course of her life, and it frankly made me a little squirmy when she was taken to public appearances, etc. I mean, certainly, some cats are into that kind of thing, just as some (like Shadow!) genuinely adore cosplay. But as they’re a species with finely-tuned senses, I imagine the celebrity life could be overwhelming for many cats.

Still, Grumpy’s humans seemed to love her - though I wish they'd have shown more of a spine when it came to putting her best interests ahead of their own. I think she was a pretty cool ambassador of feline-kind, even if the fan base got a little weird with the attribution of existential despair to a cat who almost certainly just wanted a nap and a snack and couldn’t figure out what all the humans were going on about regarding her face!

When Shadow was diagnosed, I remember saying to the oncologist that it would be nice if I were super-rich, because that way I would be able to guarantee him the absolute best of care and maximize the chance of saving his life. The doctor very gently explained to me that money would not be the factor determining whether Shadow lived or died, because medicine could only do so much.

It’s a sobering thing to realize that, despite the many incredible successes of medical science, doctors are not wizards, and bodies are ecosystems unto themselves that sometimes end up disrupted beyond resolution. Sadly, bad medical luck doesn’t care who it manages to take down. Grumpy Cat was a literal millionaire (possibly a multi-millionaire), and yet, there came a point where there was nothing more that could be done for her. I know what that point feels like, and it’s indescribably awful, and my heart goes out to Grumpy’s family, even as I can't help getting a bit judgy over the way her "virality" was handled over the years (I feel the same way about people who breed and exhibit "show cats" - it's always kind of cringe-inducing, as I empathize 100% with the cats and keep imagining how bizarre and unpleasant it would be to get stuck in non-cat-friendly environments full of loud strangers all the time).

But at the same time, I really just want to make the point here that all pets are worth knowing and loving - you just never know how long your life and theirs will converge. I am glad Shadow got his 9 years, despite the terrible bit at the end, and I am glad Ms. Grumpy Cat got to spend her 7 years with a family who appreciated her uniqueness, even though I think she likely would have preferred more privacy and less Disneyland.

Tardar Sauce (April 4, 2012 – May 14, 2019),[1] commonly known as Grumpy Cat, was an American internet celebrity cat. She was known for her permanently "grumpy" facial appearance, which is caused by an underbite and feline dwarfism.[1][2][3] She came to prominence when a photograph of her was post...

13/05/2019

My Grandpa Walter’s funeral was this past week. He was 93. I don’t travel much (by choice; I’m more of a hobbitty homebody than an intrepid adventurer), but I do love my Grandma very much, and wanted to be there for her. I also really like Vermont; it was my “happy place” as a child, though in no small part because my grandparents lived there.

My grandparents have always been “animal people”; I definitely come by it honestly. On their 40 acre homestead, they had, at one point when I was growing up, no less than 9 llamas, 3 goats, 5 dogs, and 3 cats all at once!

My grandparents, on top of everything else they had to do to care for the house, their human family, and their jobs, also went to whatever lengths were necessary to assure that each and every one of their pets was fed, sheltered, and acknowledged as an individual, whatever their needs were. They did this as a matter of course, because when you love someone, that’s just what you do, even when it entails getting up at the crack of dawn and trudging up and down a steep hill in the snow and ice (as they did during the llama years).

My Grandpa - and I just learned this about him, during my dad’s speech at his memorial - would not even kill wasps when they got into the house, but would gently pick them up and es**rt them outside. He was never stung. He knew how, somehow, to communicate to them that they were in no danger. And he approached them as he approached most things in life, it seems: without fear, and with the utmost respect.

I think that, on some level, growing up as I did, among people who held animals in such high regard, contributed to my decision to adopt feral kittens, when I finally got to a point in life when I could have pets. My grandma, unfortunately, can’t live with cats anymore due to her asthma, but she has always asked about all my kitties by name and talked about them to me in ways that make it abundantly clear that she *knows* them.

And I can’t even describe how grateful I am for that. I only wish I could somehow convey to her the depth and level of love and support now, in this difficult time for her, that she has always given to me, and that were such a comfort during the terrible days after Shadow’s death.

Grandpa Walter and Shadow never got the chance to meet, but something tells me they would have gotten along. And the world is so very much better for having had both of them in it. 🖤🐱

04/05/2019

Happy memory of the day: Star Wars edition (since it’s May the Fourth)! Shadow *loved* his Yoda outfit (not sarcasm, he was an oddball in some ways and clothes were one of his Things).

You can see his brother Brodie in the background looking quite skeptical about it all, though. 😹

01/05/2019

Well, I took the first plunge into trying to set up a memorial cancer care fund in Shadow’s name, and contacted PetCure Oncology to see if they had any existing mechanism for accomplishing this. I received a lovely response:

“First of all, thanks so much for reaching out, and for thinking so selflessly about other pet owners dealing with pet cancer. While I can't give you a definitive answer right now, I do want to think more about your suggestion. We receive requests like this from time to time but are not currently set up with any kind of fundraising component. I'd like to explore the regulations around what we can do in terms of accepting donations or setting up a pay-it-forward type fund.

Thanks again for asking the question. I'll be in touch.”

Basically, they don’t have anything exactly like what I asked about yet, but they will look into options and get back to me. So, nothing definitive yet, but that’s at least an encouraging reply! And I plan on trying to learn about other possible avenues to achieving what I am after in the meantime. I am really out of my depth and want to make sure that everything is done in ways that conform to all applicable laws, but this is a thing that has to happen.

Shadow may not have been a real doctor (despite his stethoscope cosplay) but I am determined to see that he saves lives for having lived. 🖤

28/04/2019

Happy memory of the day: Shadow on the lovely blanket a good friend crocheted for me. 🖤

25/04/2019

I still really feel like I want to do something long-term to honor Shadow's memory and keep making sure good things happen in the world because of his life.

The one thing I keep coming back to is probably something that wouldn't be feasible (I don't have the free time or the skill set to get it going, that's for sure): i.e., a nonprofit organization devoted to providing funding for cancer treatments for kitties whose humans can't afford it.

I had enough of a hard time even knowing that we WERE able to try highly advanced radiation technology for Shadow. I can't even fathom the agony of finding out your pet has a terrible, but potentially treatable, disease and having absolutely no financial means to even attempt treatment.

Shadow's life was infinitely meaningful in and of itself, and I know that just keeping his memory dear to me forever is a fine tribute to him all on its own. But if there ever does arise an opportunity to do even more, to let his life become a direct means by which other cats' lives are saved, that would just be amazing.

24/04/2019

3 months today since you passed, dear Shadow. I miss our ridiculous conversations (and so much more), every day. Love you, forever and ever. 🖤

21/04/2019

Shadow a couple years ago in his spring finery 🖤🖤🖤 Happy Easter to all near and far!

20/04/2019

Once upon a time, I lived with 4 cats, two of which were black.

The little one was new to the world; curious, eager, bright-eyed. The big one, while not “old”, had the depth of experience in his eyes, and he wore his nine years with the distinction and swagger of one who had figured out exactly who he was.

The little one loved the big one, right from the start. Perhaps her feral cat-mother had somehow managed to communicate to her, look, this one, he’s one of the good ones. Stick by him (and his brother, for that matter) and you will be ok. So the little one did. And the big one sat by her, showed her the best spots for bird-watching, and gently supplied limits and boundaries in ways she could understand (when it came to batting at others’ tails, and so on).

I do not know the complete extent of what secret cat-knowledge may have passed between them. But I know that, regardless of how much little Pearl - a year old today! - consciously recalls about Uncle Shadow, nothing can erase the communication, the kindness, the wisdom, or the easy camaraderie that shone between them during the months their lives overlapped. Pearl will carry all that with her the rest of her life, and perhaps someday, she will find herself compelled to pass along the Shadow-lore so sweetly imparted to her to another young one.

18/04/2019

I’m so glad Shadow existed (and still exists, albeit at a different point in spacetime). I know animals aren’t here “for us”, and that he had his own life agenda, which I can only hope I helped enable him to enact. But I still feel like he gave me a tremendous gift in sharing his life with me, and in an odd sort of way, I know that as long as I live, so too shall he.

16/04/2019

Happy memory of the day: Uncle Shadow teaching foster kitten Laz an important “how to cat” climbing lesson.

This picture is just so many feels. 🖤🖤🖤

14/04/2019

Dear little Shadow, I am missing you so much today. Spring is here, and I know how much you would be enjoying running around in the yard (under supervision, of course), sniffing all the things and bounding across the patio and lolling about in the catnip patch. It still seems like a terrible mistake that you had to leave us so soon. It’s not fair and I am so sorry.

11/04/2019

Photo: with my sweet boy shortly after his radiation treatment.

I just read today about a new treatment trial - one that uses an artificial marker of some kind to help target leftover cancer cells with radiation following surgery - that some pets are now getting to try via PetCure Oncology.

I really hope it ends up working for them. Shadow was deemed not a candidate for surgery because there was no way to get decent margins (or any margins, really) around his tumor, as it had infiltrated his vertebrae and wrapped around his aorta, and because they didn’t want to risk spreading cancer cells around prior to trying radiation. But it still seemed to me like it might have made him more comfortable (or even helped maintain his mobility longer) if they’d been able to remove *some* of the tumor.

I have no idea if this new trial treatment would have been an option for Shadow. I kind of suspect maybe not, since even with the millimeter-precision radiation, they were not able to deliver a high enough dose close to critical structures while sparing those structures. But every advancement like this means maybe more lives can be saved tomorrow. And I dearly hope to live to see the day when tumors like Shadow’s *can* be effectively treated.

09/04/2019

This past weekend marked something of a milestone - it was the first time I’d been back to the vet’s office after all the awfulness with poor Shadow back in January. Thankfully, in this case, it was just a “well cat” checkup for Brodie (shown below in his happy place on the couch).

But I had nonetheless been dreading the whole process, given that the last time I put one of my beloved kitties into a carrier and told him everything would be okay...everything turned out very, very, NOT okay.

Love, however, sometimes comes in the form of logic, and logically, I know full well that checkups are important and necessary.

And we all got through it, even though I confess I choked up a bit talking to the vet about Shadow. It was oddly comforting to know that she remembered him too (he was quite a legend everywhere he went, it seems!).

Brodie, meanwhile, was a wonderful client and despite obviously wishing he were somewhere else, took all his blood work and booster shots with patience and grace. We got his results today, and everything apparently looks perfect, which makes me happier than I can possibly describe. He and Cora will turn 10 years old in August (as Shadow would have as well), and I hope they go on to enjoy many, many more healthy birthdays.

08/04/2019

Happy memory of the day: Shadow had all these unique ways of positioning himself when he wanted to be close to his people.

It comes back to me now in vivid flashes when I see certain parts of furniture (Shadow loved draping himself along the arm of the couch, with his front paws hanging down the sides).

Or when I squat down to look for something on a low shelf, or in the fridge (Shadow would often try to sit on top of my thighs whenever I did this.)

Or when I would lay down on the couch and he would crawl up and put his head under my face, like in this picture. 🖤

05/04/2019

Happy memory of the day: sometimes I would get up early on a weekend day and Shadow would lead me to the back door, just so we could sit there and watch squirrels and birds run around in the yard together. It’s still humbling and awesome to realize that he genuinely enjoyed my company, as I certainly did his. 🖤

02/04/2019

Dear Shadow,

It's been a little over 2 months now since you passed from this life. I know you can't read this letter because you're both (a) dead, and (b) a cat, but I wanted to send these words out into the universe anyway.

You're still a big part of our lives here, despite not being here physically anymore. So many little things remind me of you every day, and I still have to stop myself from filling all 4 food bowls at breakfast and dinner (though Pearl and Brodie assure me they'd be happy to eat your share for you!).

I want you to know that I am doing better now than I was right after you died, and that I'm going to be okay.

I'm sorry if any of my own emotions were overwhelming to you on that last day - I did my best to be as strong as possible for you, as *you* were so incredibly strong and brave right until your last breath. I'm still in awe of how you managed to keep going until it was physically impossible (I know you two didn't always get along, but I'm sure Nikki would have admired your resolve too).

I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. Your disease was NOT your fault, and I was sad because you were dying, not because I thought you had failed at anything, ever. We did everything in our power to save you, and I'm deeply, deeply sorry that it just wasn't enough. I've tried to learn as much as possible from that experience, and any life saved due to this information will be a tribute to you.

Brodie and Cora have been wonderful to me. They're a big part of why I'm doing as well as I am now. I was thinking maybe I'd be needing to find ways to comfort and reassure them in light of your passing, but the reverse has actually been happening!

The feline social order is definitely still shifting. Pearl is growing up so fast! She's going to be a whole year old this month. Shortly after you died, she and Cora started having a power struggle - I really wish you were still here to help referee things, as I know Pearl had a ton of respect for you.

Brodie is wonderful with Pearl - the two of them are becoming great buddies, which I think you would be delighted to see. I know you wouldn't want Brodie to have to sit on the closet shelf all by himself with nobody to grab his head and forcibly lick his ears! I think sometimes he puts up with a little more sass from her than you would have, but as you know, he has his own way of doing things, and Pearl is lucky to have him just as you were during your life.

Cora has actually become a lot more confident lately, perhaps because she's realized she has to step up and set some boundaries with Pearl; again, they're still working things out, but in the meantime, they're both quite happy as long as one of them isn't staring at the other. And you'll be happy to know that Cora has also taken on some of your screaming-at-the-door duties, in addition to staring up at me and screaming if I stand in front of the heater.

We're still holding at 3 cats for the time being, but I hope that when the time comes, your own memorial successor kitten will make it clear that he's "the one". All I know at the moment is that he's going to be a "he" (the one thing Pearl and Cora agree on is that there are enough girls in the house!). I won't expect him to act like you, of course, as he will be his own unique self, but I have a funny feeling he will make you proud regardless.

One of your defining traits in life was that you never did anything halfway - when you found joy in something, you never held back in your enthusiasm, whether it was for the occasional adventures in the yard, or for weird things like getting to wear one of your fancy sweaters!

I will never forget the things you loved, or the way you loved them, my intense little guy.