The Conan Chronicles: Conversations With My Dog (2024)

22/11/2024

Me: Did you just stick your tongue out at me?
Conan: What? No, I, uh, was licking my lips.
Me: I don't believe you.
Conan: That's a you problem, not a me problem.
Me: You keep sticking your tongue out at me and it's gonna be a you problem.
Conan: I agree, it's a you problem.
Me: No, I mean it's a YOU problem.
Conan: Yeah, I get it! It's a YOU problem.
Me: NO! IT'S...no, I'm not gonna let you do this to me again. You get me into these circular arguments and then my blood pressure skyrockets and then I have to eat cookies. I'm done. You win. You weren't sticking your tongue out at me. I concede. You win.
Conan: It's not about winning, it's just about me being right and you being wrong.
Me: I'm...I'm just going to walk away and find something more productive to do with my time.
Conan: That's probably for the best.
Me: Whatever.
Conan: ...
Me: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Conan: Did what?

20/11/2024

Conan: I can do it.
Me: No, you can't, Conan.
Conan: How far did you say it was?
Me: Dude, it's like 25 feet. There's no way you can jump 25 feet!
Conan: JUMPED!?! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN JUMP 25 FEET!
Me: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING! WHY ARE WE EVEN ARGUING ABOUT THIS?!?
Conan: I can't jump it but...I'm pretty sure I can run across it.
Me: What?!
Conan: I can run 25 feet.
Me: NOT OVER WATER!
Conan: I'm really fast though.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: You know what? Go for it.
Conan: What?
Me; Go ahead. Prove me wrong. Go run 25 feet over that body of water. I'm keen to see what happens.
Conan: Well...
Me: Go ahead, Carl Lewis.
Conan: Who?
Me: Carl Lewis. He was an Olympic sprinter.
Conan: When? In, like, the 1900s?
Me: Actually...yeah.
Conan: Wow, you're old.
Me: Are you going to run across the water or not?
Conan: Nah, the moment has passed, besides at your age I'm afraid the excitement might kill ya.
Me: You're a jerk.

18/11/2024

Conan: So where is it?
Me: Where's what?
Conan: The burger joint you told me about. The one you said we'd go to if I went on this hike with you.
Me: What are you talking about?
Conan: You promised me burgers if I went on this stupid hike with you.
Me: I don't think that's true.
Conan: Am I living in an alternate reality here, man?!
Me: I don't think so.
Conan: And you're now trying to claim that you didn't convince me to come on this dumb hike with promises of burgers afterwards?
Me: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Conan: So you didn't say - Hey, Conehead, do you want to come on a hike with me? We'll pass by a burger place on the way home. - You didn't say those exact words for me no more that an hour ago?
Me: I..
Conan: I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!!
Me: I was answering.
Conan: Right, sorry.
Me: I did say those EXACT words to you.
Conan: J'accuse! So you admit you promised to take me for burgers!?!
Me: I promised you that we'd pass a burger place on the way home.
Conan: EXACTLY!
Me: And we will, we'll pass like five of them actually.
Conan: Oh...wait.
Me: ...
Conan: I've been hoodwinked. You've hoodwinked me.
Me: Come on. We've got like five more miles to go.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: One of us isn't making it back to the car.
Me: It better be me because you don't know how to drive.
Conan: HOODWINKED!

#

15/11/2024

Conan: I've got a question.
Me: Shoot.
Conan: I've been watching the Lion King a lot lately.
Me: That's not a question.
Conan: I know, I'm getting to the question, I was just giving you some background.
Me: Got it.
Conan: Like I was saying, I've been watching a lot of the Lion King lately.
Me: Like five times a day.
Conan: I said A LOT.
Me: Right.
Conan: Anyway, I've been watch...
Me: I get it! What's your question?
Conan: You know that scene with Simba and Mufasa when they're looking out at the land and Mufasa tells him that they own all the land they can see?
Me: Sure.
Conan: Well, like, how much land do we own here? Is it everything my eye can see?
Me: Our property line goes to there.
Conan: That's it?!
Me: Well, I mean, it's a yard. We have neighbors.
Conan: So we don't own that land over there?
Me: No.
Conan: Or that?
Me: No.
Conan: Or that over there? By the big tree?
Me: Conan, we live in suburbia in the United States not the Pride Lands of Tanzania. We have neighbors all around us.
Conan: Hmm...well, that's a bummer.
Me: Yeah, uh, I guess, sorry?
Conan: Yeah, that's ok. Let's go get a gelato.

13/11/2024

Me: What?
Conan: There's a nicer way to say that.
Me: Ah, greetings, my esteemed friend! To what serendipitous circumstance do I attribute the honor of your delightful presence? I earnestly wish that this extraordinary encounter may be cherished for all eternity!
Conan: That seems a bit much.
Me: What do you want?
Conan: I just want a pleasant greeting without all of the sarcasm. Is that so much to ask?
Me: You're right and I'm sorry. Hey, Pal, what's going on?
Conan: Much better.
Me: Cool. What's up?
Conan: I just wanted to let you know that the toilet downstairs is overflowing.
Me: WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT FIRST?!?!
Conan: I didn't like your attitude.
Me: DAMMIT, CONAN!
Conan: IF YOU FIND MR. SNUFFLES IN THERE, HE JUMPED IN BY HIMSELF! NOBODY HELPED HIM! DID YOU HEAR ME?
Me: ...
Conan: No, he's already downstairs. Oh, look, he left his cookie. Sweet.

11/11/2024

Conan: The sun hurts my eyes when I turn this way.
Me: So don't turn this way.
Conan: But how else am I supposed to know that you're still there.
Me: You're attached by a leash, that's in my hand.
Conan: Yeah, but what if you fall down or you drop the leash because your hands are all greasy from whatever disgusting thing you're eating?
Me: Hurtful but fair. Well, you could always just walk next to me so you'd see me at all times.
Conan: Hmmm...
Me: ...
Conan: No, that won't work.
Me: What? Why not?
Conan: Because people might think that we're equals.
Me: Dude.

🌞

08/11/2024

Conan: What's this?
Me: Your new little hideaway.
Conan: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, your mom got it for you.
Conan: My lady Human got this? For me?
Me: Yeah. She thought you might like it.
Conan: Like it? I frickin' love it! It's like camping but without having to go out in nature, it's so dirty out there. It's the best of all worlds!
Me: Well, we're glad you like it.
Conan: One question though.
Me: Okay.
Conan: Is the whirlpool bath on it's way or...
Me: You're unbelievable.

06/11/2024

Me: How do you like your new bed.
Conan: It's pretty okay.
Me: Just okay?
Conan: It's a little lumpy.
Me: Oh, I see.
Conan: Maybe you could make it less lumpy?
Me: Well, I could try or...and hear me out here...maybe you could be less, what's the the word I'm looking for, maybe you could be a bit less...amorous with your brand new bed?
Conan: What does...oh, that. I was just trying to figure out the comfy bits.

04/11/2024

Conan: Why isn't he throwing it? WHY ISN'T HE THROWING IT!?!?!
Me: Why don't you just ask him?
Conan: Uh...hey...kid...throw the ball!
Me: You don't know his name, do you?
Conan: It's Kid, isn't it?
Me: No.
Conan: Wait, it's not Conan, is it?
Me: No, that's your name.
Conan: Right, right, that's why it sounded familiar.
Me: That's your cousin up there throwing you the ball.
Conan: Ohhh...right, Dog, that's embarrassing isn't it? I feel like a do**us.
Me: Well...
Conan: No, I got it, I've got it this time.
Me: Ok, try again.
Conan: Hey! Cousin, throw the dang ball!!
Me: That's...that's not...just forget it. Cousin is close enough.

31/10/2024

Conan: You ready?
Me: We are.
Conan: And are you ready?
Me: I just told you we are.
Conan: Not you.
Me: Oh, you're obviously talking to the stuffed cowboy doll on your back. My apologies.
Conan: Okay, here we go.
Me: Go for it.
Conan: I'M A BUCKING BRONCO! YEE-HAW!
Me: The horse doesn't usually do the yee-hawing.
Conan; THIS HORSE DOES! YEE-HAW!
Me: Fair enough. Yee-haw away.
Conan: YEE-HAW!

Happy Halloween, Everyone!

30/10/2024

Me: Why do you look mad?
Conan: I'm not mad.
Me: Okay, but why do you look mad?
Conn: I'm not mad.
Me: Conan.
Conan: I'm not. I'm just disappointed.
Me: *sigh* What now?
Conan: Oh, nothing.
Me: Stop being passive aggressive and just tell why you're "disappointed".
Conan: "I'm""disappointed""because""you""went""away""and""didn't""bring""me""home""anything".
Me: That's too many air quotes, Conan.
Conan: Whatever, you didn't bring me home a present from your trip.
Me: Seriously? I've told you I didn't see anything that you would've liked!
Conan: YOU DIDN'T SEE ANY FOOD!?!
Me: I'M NOT PACKING FOOD IN MY SUITCASE WHEN WE HAVE FOOD HERE!
Conan: BUT I WANTED FOREIGN FOOD!
Me: NO, YOU DON'T! YOU WANT FOOD YOU LIKE BUT YOU JUST WANT IT FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE! IT'S STILL THE SAME FOOD SO I'M NOT PACKING IT WHEN I CAN GO TO....*phew*...Sorry, I was running of breath....THE STORE AND GET THAT FOOD HERE!
Conan: IT'S NOT THE SAME!
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: Do you want a burger?
Conan: Is it a foreign burger?
Me: ...sure.
Conan: Sweet.

21/10/2024

Hi, Everyone,

We will be doing some travel over the next week so we won't be posting until the 30th.

Be safe and do good and we'll see you on the 30th!

Thank you,

Conan and his peons

18/10/2024

Me: Come on, let's go home.
Conan: Just a couple of more minutes.
Me: Why? What are you doing?
Conan: Getting some sun on my heinie.
Me: Why?
Conan: Uh, because I like a warm b***y, Dude.

16/10/2024

Me: Come on, time for a walk.
Conan: It's too cold.
Me: You do this every year.
Conan: It gets cold every year.
Me: It's only fall, Conan.
Conan: Fall gets cold.
Me: But it's only gonna get colder.
Conan: Don't remind me.
Me: Stop being so dramatic. It's beautiful outside.
Conan: Pass.
Me: We have to go for a walk, Pal. You need to go to the bathroom.
Conan: No, I think I'm good. I'll just avoid eating or drinking anything. Problem solved.
Me: Conan.
Conan: Ugh, fine. But, I'm bringing my blanket.
Me: Whatever. What are you going to do when it gets really cold?
Conan: Bring two blankets.
Me: Can't argue with that logic.

14/10/2024

Me: What's wrong now?
Conan: Nothing's "wrong".
Me: What is it, Conan? What's the problem?
Conan: It's not a "problem".
Me: Conan, just say it.
Conan: It's....the snacks.
Me: What's wrong with the snacks?
Conan: Ehhh...
Me: They're good snacks! You've got dehydrated salmon and elk jerky! That's good stuff!
Conan: You're absolutely correct. They're great snacks! But...
Me: But what, Conan?
Conan: Ya know...I mean...
Me: Just say it.
Conan: It's just two options.
Me: This again? Seriously?
Conan: I'm a growing boy! You know I need a balanced diet!
Me: That means you have to have a balance of nutrients THROUGOUT the day, Conan! Not every single time you get snacks!
Conan: But...
Me: THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU NEED SIX DIFFERENT SNACKS EVERY TIME YOU GET SNACKS, CONAN!!
Conan: If you don't care about my health that's fine.
Me: Fine, you want balance every time I give you snacks? Is that what you want, Conan?
Conan: I feel like I may have walked into a trap.
Me: No, no, no, this is good. Fine, every time you want snacks you'll have to eat pieces of broccoli, green beans, and spinach, before I give you the rest of the snacks. You know, for "balance".
Conan: ...
Me: How does that sound, Conan?
Conan: Sounds like I was foiled by my own hummus.
Me: Hubris not hummus.
Conan: That's what I said.

11/10/2024

Me: Where did you just come from?
Conan: Upstairs.
Me: Okay.
Conan: Why'd you move my bed?
Me: What?
Conan: My bed was over there where it always is and where it should be because that's where my bed goes and that's just where it makes the most sense for my bed to be because that's where it goes, you following? And then you just kinda went all Nutsy Fagan on me and inexplicably put it here so this is where my bed is now instead of where it belongs over there where it my bed goes. I guess I'm just trying to understand why my bed would go from where it belongs to over here in this other spot where it doesn't belong. I'm just curious. That's all.
Me: I...moved it so I could vacuum, Conan.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Oh, okay, so you're going to move it back when you're done?
Me: Yes, I am, you...psychopath.
Conan: Cool cool. So, yeah, I'll guess I'll just see ya around then.

09/10/2024

Me: Oh, boy.
Conan: What?
Me: Nothing, Conan.
Conan: No, say what you wanna say.
Me: No, it's fine.
Conan: No, say it. I dare you.
Me: It's just...
Conan: What?
Me: It's your breath, man.
Conan: WHAT?! What about my breath?!
Me: Well, it stinks.
Conan: I am offended, sir!
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: I'm not the only one who thinks so.
Conan: WHAT?!
Me: Never mind.
Conan: My Lady Human thinks my breath is bad?
Me: I think her words were actually "His breath smells like hot garbage in August" if I'm not mistaken.
Conan: Dear Dog. I had no idea.
Me: I've tried dropping hints.
Conan: No, you didn't!
Me: Yes, I did!
Conan: Like what?
Me: I bought you that toothbrush last week!
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: What?
Conan: That was supposed to be for my teeth?
Me: Yes, why?
Conan: You should probably throw that out immediately.
Me: Dude, wait, what did use the toothbrush for? Conan, come back here! WHAT DID YOU USE THE TOOTHBRUSH FOR?! CONAN!

07/10/2024

Conan: Question for you.
Me: Okay, what's up?
Conan: What's our hot dog situation?
Me: What do you mean?
Conan: Like, how many hot dogs do we currently have in the house at this very moment?
Me: I honestly don't know.
Conan: What do you mean you don't know?!
Me: I don't know, Conan. You're asking me how many hot dogs we have in the house right now and I don't know. Why would I know that?
Conan: Just dog park it for me.
Me: You mean ballpark it?
Conan: I meant what I meant.
Me: I don't know, we probably have a pack of hot dogs in the fridge.
Conan: How many is in a pack?
Me: Eight, I think.
Conan: That's not enough. That's not nearly enough!
Me: Where are you going?
Conan: THAT'S NOT ENOUGH HOT DOGS!!
Me: Why are you panicking?! Where are you going though?
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: NOT ENOUGH!
Me: He's so weird sometimes.

The Conan Chronicles: Conversations With My Dog