The Conan Chronicles: Conversations With My Dog (2024)

08/12/2023

Alright folks, here we are again. The 7th Annual Conan's Birthday Fundraiser is upon us.

Another year has passed and Conan begins his birthday weekend celebration right now. Our best little buddy turns 9 today and he plans on eatin' like an elephant and movin' like a sloth. He considers both elephants and sloths as his spirit animals because they possess his favorite qualities.

Conan may come off at times as a real tough guy who doesn't have time for feelings but he really is just a big old marshmallow on the inside. He loves his friends and family and he truly loves helping others (as long as people don't start getting emotional about it).

So, in keeping with tradition to celebrate his birthday this year Conan once again asked that we raise money to support a group or organization that is trying to do good in this world for those less fortunate than him.

The community that we have formed here at the Chronicles has members from all over the globe and all walks of life brought together because we all get a kick out of a sweet, lovable, and goofy dog. We have grown leaps and bounds over the 8 years that we've been doing this and that is a credit to you. I think we started with a handful of followers (pretty much just my family and friends who indulged us by clicking the like button) to a thriving community of over 3,000 strangers (now friends) who share a common bond of fellowship.

Now, if every one of us here donates just two dollars we will be able to raise over $6,000 and that would blow our goal away. However, we know that this is a tough time of year money-wise for everyone, so if you are not able to donate then please share the fundraiser with your friends. The more we spread the word the more chance we have of really making a difference. We are raising money to help an organization that not only cares for our furry friends but works hard every day to do it.

The folks at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah (which is a registered non-profit organization) are wonderful people who do this purely out of love so let's rally this weekend and do some good to celebrate the birth of our favorite ginger, Conan the Barkbarian.

In past years we have raised over $8,000 for some incredible groups. Our goal this year is $2,500. So, please consider a small donation to help us help others.

We love you all,

Conan and his Domestic Staff

https://bestfriends.org/sanctuary/explore-sanctuary

06/12/2023

Me: What are you doing? You said goodnight and went upstairs, like, fifteen minutes ago.
Conan: ...
Me: What? Go to bed if you're tired.
Conan: ...
Me: You can sit there all night for all I care.
Conan: ...
Me: Do you have to stare right at me?
Conan: ...
Me: I don't have to go to bed when you're tired. I go to bed when I'M tired, Conan.
Conan: ...
Me: Stop it, Conan.
Conan: ...
Me: I said, stop it!
Conan: ...
Me: I'm an adult, Conan. I know how much sleep I need and when I need to go to bed and that time is not now.
Conan; ...
Me: I'm not bothered by this, frankly I think it's funny that you said you wanted to go to bed and instead you're sitting there not in bed and probably really tired so jokes on you, Dude. The joke is on you.
Conan: ...
Me: Why can't you go to bed and I stay up? I'll be up there later and besides, you're going to fall asleep as soon as your head hits my pillow. You don't need me for that. Last time you fell asleep and I laid there listening to you snore for another hour.
Conan: ...
Me: Please, just stop staring at me. It makes me so uncomfortable.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: Fine, okay? You win! I'll come to bed.
Conan: ...
Me: You need to stop doing this. I'm a grown man and I should be able to set my own bedtime, you jerk.

04/12/2023

Conan: That sauna was fantastic, thanks.
Me: That was just a shower, you were getting pretty rank.
Conan: So...where do I go next?
Me: Uh, I mean, anywhere you'd like just stay off the furniture until you're fully dry.
Conan: No, I mean, like, for my next treatment. This isn't it, is it?
Me: I just gave you a shower, what else do you want?
Conan: Like what's my next treatment? A massage? A mud bath? A seaweed body wrap, perhaps?
Me: I cleaned you. That's it!
Conan: That's it?
Me: Yeah, that's it!!
Conan: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SPA IS THIS?!
Me: IT'S NOT A SPA! IT'S OUR HOUSE!
Conan: THIS IS THE WORST SPA EVER! NO STARS! ZERO STARS ON YELP!!
Me: YOU CAN'T LEAVE ZERO STARS ON YELP SO HA! WHAT AM I SAYING?! THIS ISN'T A SPA AND WE DON'T HAVE A YELP PAGE FOR OUR HOUSE!!
Conan: Okay, okay, let's just both settle down. We're all jazzed up and as you know you can't have a civil conversation when you're all jazzed up.
Me: You're right. You're absolutely right. Jazzed up is no way to conduct yourself.
Conan: Good. I'm glad we can both be rational adults. I get it now, okay? We're good.
Me: Okay, great. That's good news.
Conan: Just one more thing.
Me: Shoot.
Conan: What time is my madi-pedi?
Me: THIS ISN'T A FRICKIN' SPA, CONAN!!

01/12/2023

Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Conan: Having a sleepover.
Me: ......by yourself?
Conan: No, I've got Pete and Norman with me.
Me: Oh...
Conan: What?
Me: Nothing, but you sleep with Pete and Norman pretty much every night. Isn't a sleepover supposed to be with different friends?
Conan: What are you saying?
Me: Just that I think this just falls under sleep and not sleepover.
Conan: I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY LIFE TO YOU! I HAVE REAL FRIENDS, THEY'RE ALL JUST BUSY TONIGHT!!
Me: I didn't mean...
Conan: YOU HAVE UPSET ME GREATLY!
Me: Conan, I'm sorry, Pal.
Conan: I'm gonna need you to stay out of my eyesight for 36 to 43 minutes.
Me: Oh, ok.
Conan: But first we're gonna need three bowls of popcorn.
Me: You're gonna eat three...
Conan: I SAID WE!
Me: Right, sure, "we". whatever you say, dude.

29/11/2023

Conan: *YAWN* Why did you wake me up in the middle of the night to p*e?
Me: It's five thirty at night, Conan.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: WHAT?!
Me: Yeah, remember Daylight Saving Time.
Conan: I missed all of the daylight today, didn't I?
Me: Your mid-day nap ran over.
Conan: Aw, crud. This keeps happening.

27/11/2023

Me: Conan, please, please, can we stop?
Conan: No.
Me: But it's been forty-five straight hours of the Hallmark Channel.
Conan: I know.
Me: it needs to stop. My eyes are watering and I think my ears are ringing.
Conan: No, it stays on.
Me: There's only so many cheesy Christmas movies I can watch in a day, Dude.
Conan: No, it's Christmas season now so all we watch is Christmas movies. That's it. Nothing else.
Me: Ok, fine but can we at least turn the tv off when we're sleeping? I'm starting to have nightmares that take place in a small town in Vermont during a blizzard at Christmas time.
Conan: No! You promised me a 24/7 Christmas and this is 24/7.
Me: We'll all go crazy before Christmas if this is all we watch!
Conan: I'm willing to take that chance.
Me: Can we, at least, switch to listening to Christmas music instead?
Conan: ...
Me: Please, I need a break from Hallmark.
Conan: Fine, but I get to pick the music.
Me: Yeah, absolutely. You can be the DJ.
Conan: Michael Bolton.
Me: What about him?
Conan: That's my pick...Michael Bolton.
Me: Okay, so which Michael Bolton song do you want?
Conan: No, his entire Christmas album "This is the Time: The Christmas Album" on repeat.
Me: So just Michael Bolton? All the time?
Conan: Yes, 24/7. That smooth tenor trapsing through "White Christmas", wonderful.
Me: Why do you hate us?

24/11/2023

Conan: Is it time?
Me: Ok, before...
Conan: Is...it...time?
Me: *sigh* Yes, Conan. It's time.
Conan: YYYEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS! Okay, okay.
Me: Calm down.
Conan: Okay, I'm gonna need Christmas music 24/7, from Mariah Carey to that weird group that sings without music..
Me: A ca****la.
Conan: That's the group's name?
Me: No, that's the style of...never mind, yes that's the group's name.
Conan: Weird but whatever. I'm gonna need lights, lots of lights. Enough lights to light up the world! Oh, and tinsel, at minimum I'll need 6...no 7 pounds of tinsel. Gold, silver, dealers choice. Why isn't the Christmas music playing yet? Don't forget my special box of Christmas ornaments either, the tree isn't complete without my water skiing Santa ornament. Oh, and gifts! We need to start working on my list for my Lady Human and be prepared because I don't plan on being cheap with your money. Also...
Me: *sigh* This is gonna be a long month.

22/11/2023

Me: Oh, hey. What's up?
Conan: We need to talk.
Me: About what? Why are you wearing your blanket?
Conan: That's what we need to talk about.
Me: What's up?
Conan: She's out of control.
Me: Who?
Conan: Dharma from the smash NBC hit Dharma and Greg.
Me: What?
Conan: My Lady Human, du***ss!
Me: That wasn't necessary. Why is she out of control?
Conan: I'm walking around with a blanket on in the middle of the day! You don't see something wrong with that?
Me: Ok, maybe it's a bit cool but...
Conan: A BIT COOL?! My water bowl was frozen solid this morning! She keeps the windows open all day and night and it's 50 below outside!!
Me: It's not 50 below outside.
Conan: 60 below?
Me: It's not that cold outside or inside, Conan.
Conan: It's freezing in here and I'm a delicate flower.
Me: Your ancestors were wolves, man. Have some pride.
Conan: My ancestors left the woods for a warm fire and treats! My ancestors hated the cold too!
Me: The fresh air is good for you.
Conan: I get enough fresh air when I do my ones and twos.
Me: You're ridiculous.
Conan: I'm telling you, man. She needs to be stopped.

20/11/2023

Conan: Right, but I just want to make sure. It's very important to me.
Me: I know it is, Conan, and I've told you repeatedly for the past week that you have nothing to worry about.
Conan: I'm just having a hard time believing you.
Me: What? Why?
Conan: Your past behavior has me worried.
Me: Oh, relax.
Conan: Don't tell me to relax!
Me: RELAX!
Conan: YOU RELAX!
Me: I'M RELAXED!!
Conan: THAT VEIN ON YOUR FOREHEAD TELLS ME OTHERWISE!
Me: YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Conan: I'M JUST REALLY NERVOUS THAT I'LL BE LEFT OUT!
Me: Ok, let's settle down for a second.
Conan: ...
Me: I promise that you will not be left out.
Conan: You said the same thing in 2018.
Me: I've apologized for that, Conan.
Conan: It still hurts.
Me: I can't change the past.
Conan: Swear to me.
Me: *sigh*
Conan: Swear it.
Me: I swear that I will not leave you out of any late night Thanksgiving leftovers meals.
Conan: Or midnight sandwiches!
Me: Yes.
Conan: Say it.
Me: OR midnight sandwiches.
Conan: We can't have a repeat of '18, man. That got ugly.

15/11/2023

Conan: Have a good day at work.
Me: Thanks, Pal. Do you have any plans for today?
Conan: Listen, I'm not gonna sugar coat this but today is a "Bed Day".
Me: A bed day?
Conan: You...you gotta do the quotes when you say "Bed Day".
Me: "bed day".
Conan: But you have to capitalize the B and D.
Me: How do you know I didn't capitalize the b and d.
Conan: You just did it again. I can hear it.
Me: You can't hear capitalization.
Conan: Yes I can.
Me: No, you can't!
Conan: Listen. Banana...banana. Did you hear the difference?
Me: No, Conan! You just said the same word twice.
Conan: You don't get it.
Me: It's not a real thing. Can you just tell me what "Bed Day" means, please?
Conan: See you said it that time. Yeah, so a "Bed Day" means I'm just staying in bed today and catching up on sleep.
Me: Catching up on sleep?
Conan: Yeah.
Me: You sleep, like, 12 hours a day.
Conan: You're right, one "Bed Day" a month isn't enough. I'm going to need to implement one "Bed Day" a week.
Me: ...
Conan: Thanks for helping me figure that out. You really helped me.
Me: You're...welcome?
Conan: Oh, if I'm sleeping when you get home just hold my dinner until I wake up. I don't like when it sits out. Cool? Cool.

13/11/2023

Conan: Whoa...
Me: Looks good, right?
Conan: It's beautiful. My Lady Human did a great job.
Me: She did but we're not done yet.
Conan: What's left?
Me: We still have to put up the ornaments.
Conan: OH! That's right! The ornaments!
Me: yup.
Conan: Are you going to put my ornament up?
Me: Your ornament? You mean the one with your name and the year you were born? Of course. We put that up every year.
Conan: No, not that one.
Me: Uh, which one then?
Conan: Come on, I know you're pulling my leg.
Me: I'm really not, Conan.
Conan: yes, you are. The ornament I gave you and my Lady Human last year.
Me: ...
Conan: The one I made?
Me: ...
Conan; Are you serious? I put a lot of effort into that ornament and you don't have it?!?!
Me: Conan, I'm so sorry. I honestly don't remember you giving us an ornament last year.
Conan: I'm truly hurt.
Me: Pal, I'm sorry. What did it look like? Can we make a new one?
Conan: I don't think it can be replicated.
Me: Just...just tell me what it looked like. I'm sure we can do it.
Conan: It was about yea big and brownish and kinda torn up at the end.
Me: ...
Conan: Do you remember it now?
Me: Are you talking about that stick you brought inside and tried hiding in the Christmas tree?
Conan: That was the ornament I made you both!
Me: That was a stick you chewed on for a few minutes and then brought inside.
Conan: IT WAS A GIFT!
Me: IT WAS A STICK!
Conan: IT HAD MEANING!
Me: IT HAD DIRT ON IT! AND I'M PRETTY SURE YOU PEED ON IT TOO BEFORE YOU STARTED CHEWING ON IT!
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Maybe I'll just get you a new stick this year.
Me: Try to pick one that you haven't p*ed on.
Conan; i can't make any guarantees.

11/11/2023

Today is Veterans Day and we want to honor those veterans who have served our country with distinction.

Veterans like Chips, a Collie–German Shepherd–Siberian Husky mix, who served with honor during WWII earning himself the Distinguished Service Cross, the Purple Heart and Silver Star while seeing action in Germany, France, North Africa, and Sicily.

Or Kaiser, a German Shepard, who with his partner Marine Lance Corporal Alfredo Salazar saw action in over 30 combat patrols and 12 major operations during Vietnam.

Or Nemo, a German Shepard, who, after being shot in the eye, laid on top of his wounded and unconscious partner until a rescue was successful. Both Nemo and his partner recovered from their wounds.

Or Smoky, a Yorkshire Terrier, who was found abandoned in a foxhole in the jungle of New Guinea during WWII and went on to survive 150 air raids and even carried telegraph wire through 70 feet of narrow pipe saving his fellow soldiers precious time and likely lives.

Or Stubby, an American Pit Bull Terrier, who was discovered abandoned on the campus of Yale University and smuggled to France during WWI by his adopted dad. Stubby would go on to participate in 17 battles and 4 offensives. He used his sense of smell to warn his soldiers of gas attacks and incoming artillery fire saving countless lives in the process. He even sniffed out a German spy in the trenches.

These are just a few of the countless K9 soldiers who have served our country proudly and with distinction so, please, on this day that we cast a spotlight on those who have warn the uniform don't forget about the canines and many other animals who have stood proudly next to them in their darkest times.

Happy Veterans Day, everyone.

10/11/2023

Conan: Hi, excuse me, very sorry to interrupt your program, what are you watching by the way? Is that Baywatch....the movie?
Me: Yes.
Conan: Your taste in cinema is subpar.
Me: Was there a reason you're in my face?
Conan: Oh, right, yes. The past four nights you've been late with my dinner an average of fifty eight minutes. Obviously, this is unacceptable and needs to be rectified post haste.
Me: We've been over this, Conan, I haven't been late.
Conan: My stomach disagrees.
Me: We changed the clocks because of Daylight Saving Time.
Conan: Change them back.
Me: Sure, no problem.
Conan: Cool.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Are you gonna get on that?
Me: Yes, in five months when we change the clocks again.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Except a present underneath your pillow tonight.
Me: Duly noted.

08/11/2023

Conan: What's that?
Me: What?
Conan: I was talking to Norman. What's that, Norman? Yeah, right? I totally agree.
Me: What did he say?
Conan: Give me a sec.
Me: Are you talking to me or Norman?
Conan: You. Now be quiet because Norman is telling a story and it's hysterical.
Me: What's he saying? What's the story about?
Conan: Duuuude.
Me: Sorry.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: NO WAY! Did you really say that?
Me: What did he say?
Conan: That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Me: Conan.
Conan: Really? You think he is?
Me: Who? Is Norman talking about me?
Conan: Hold on.
Me: Me or him?
Conan: You.
Me: ....
Conan: Be nice, Norman.
Me: I know he's talking about me! What is he saying?!
Conan: No, I can't tell him that.
Me: WHAT?!
Conan: Are you sure?
Me: ...
Conan: You, I'm talking to you, are you sure you want to know?
Me: Oh, me? Yes, I want to know what Norman is saying about me.
Conan: Positive?
Me: Yes, Conan!
Conan: He says you're gullible.
Me: What?
Conan: It's a stuffed dragon, Dude. It doesn't talk.

06/11/2023

Me: Hey, Dude, how was your day?
Conan: Not bad. I scared off the mail lady and protected our house from being over run by an army of squirrels. Typical stuff.
Me: Cool. Thanks for that, I guess.
Conan: Yeah, I also...wait...come here.
Me: Why?
Conan: Just come here.
Me: Why are you sniffing my breath?
Conan: Breath out.
Me: What are...
Conan: Good enough. *sniff* *sniff* yeah, you had some Tic Tacs, orange to be specific, about twenty minutes ago.
Me: That's pretty good. I did have some orange Tic Tacs because orange is the best Tic Tac.
Conan: Then *sniff* an unsweet ice tea around two this afternoon.
Me: That's seriously impres....
Conan: You had a salami sandwich with a Pepsi, diet to be exact, for lunch.
Me: How can you even...
Conan: Around ten this morning you had a handful of cashews *sniff* eight cashews. I like cashews too.
Me: Okay, that's enough.
Conan: NO! I'm not done!
Me: YES YOU ARE!
Conan: GET OVER HERE!
Me: CONAN! GET OFF OF ME! WHY ARE YOU SO STRONG?!?!
Conan: *SNIFF* *SNIFF* *SNIFF*!
Me: STOP!
Conan: THERE IT IS!! YOU SON OF A BEAGLE! YOU HAD A JELLY DONUT AT EIGHT THIRTY THIS MORNING! YOU KNOW I FREAKIN' LOVE JELLY DONUTS!
Me: CONAN!
Conan: WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME A JELLY DONUT TOO?!
Me: THEY WERE IN THE KITCHEN AT THE OFFICE! I DIDN'T BUY THEM AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE!
Conan: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE HALF FOR ME?!
Me: Okay, calm down, calm down. Things are getting heated. What did you want me to do? Carry around half a jelly donut all day just so I could bring it home for you?
Conan: That's what I would do for you!!
Me: No you wouldn't! You would've eaten the whole thing!
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Alright, you got me there but we're talking about you not me.
Me: Fine! I'm sorry I ate a jelly donut NINE hours ago.
Conan: Your sarcasm is noted, you're apology is not.
Me: How about I bring you home a jelly donut tomorrow?
Conan: Two.
Me: One and a half.
Conan: Cause you get snacky on the way home?
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: Yeah.
Conan: Fine.

31/10/2023

Conan: How do I look?
Me: Regal.
Conan: HOW DARE YOU!?!
Me: What the hell did I say?!
Conan; HOW DARE YOU SAY I LOOK LIKE A BEAGLE! THAT'S A SLAP ACROSS MY SNOOT!
Me: I said regal as in royal because of your costume.
Conan: Oh. I heard egal and thought you were calling me a beagle.
Me: You heard "egal" and thought of beagle. Why not eagle? Like the bird.
Conan: Be serious.
Me: What? Why was that an unserious thing to say?
Conan: Cause everyone knows that birds aren't real.
Me: WHAT?!

Happy Halloween, Everyone, from King Conan the First of His Name, Ruler of All Snacks, Destroyer of Plushies and his two loyal subjects.

30/10/2023

Me: Are you ready to go?
Conan: Like ten minutes ago.
Me: Why didn't you say anything?
Conan: Because I'm waiting for Jack to leave first.
Me: Aww, you're going to miss your cousin.
Conan: No. I mean, he's cool and all but that's not why.
Me: Then why does he need to leave first?
Conan: Come closer.
Me: What's wrong?
Conan: Closer.
Me: Why are we whispering?
Conan: I don't want Jack to hear.
Me: Hear what?
Conan: Is he looking?
Me: No.
Conan: I am so freakin' tired, Dude. Like absolutely exhausted. This kid has been rugging me ragged for...how long have we been here?
Me: About twenty minutes.
Conan: WHAT?!
Me: And you've been lying down for ten of them.
Conan: My Dog. How is that possible? I must've chased that ball, like, forty times.
Me: You chased it three times. I'd say four times but on the fourth time you tripped over the ball, roll three times, and landed, well, right here where you've been panting for ten minutes.
Conan: In my defense...
Me: Jack on the other hand has chased the ball about thirty times and is ready for more.
Conan: I think he's on steroids.
Me: He's not on steroids, he's just younger than you.
Conan: He's like the Lance Armstrong of the dog park.
Me: He's not like Lance....
Conan: Quick! He's not looking! Pick me up and get me the hell out of here!
Me: Oh, right! I'm on it!

27/10/2023

Me: Hey, Conan.
Conan: Nope.
Me: But you don't even...
Conan: No.
Me: But I...
Conan: Go away.
Me: You need...
Conan: If you say another word that interrupts my nap I will secretly p**p somewhere in this house and not tell you where until the smell becomes so overwhelming that you would rather move than take another whiff.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Thank you. I'll see you in four hours for my mid-nap snack.

25/10/2023

Me: Let's go.
Conan: No, we wait.
Me: He's not coming, Conan.
Conan: I heard him! He's coming.
Me: He's not, Dude.
Conan: No, I have faith.
Me: Conan.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: Conan.
Conan: What?!
Me: It's eleven o'clock at night and it's late October! YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!
Conan: YES I DID!!
Me: NO YOU DIDN'T! IT WAS JUST A CAR PLAYING SIMILAR MUSIC!!
Conan: IT WAS HIM!!
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: Can we please go in now? It's late and I'm tired.
Conan; No, I'm all jazzed up now. I gotta p**p.

23/10/2023

Me: Um...hello.
Conan: Hi.
Me: What are you doing?
Conan: It's mandatory cuddle time.
Me: It is?
Conan: It's on the calender.
Me: What calender?
Conan: The one I put in your end table drawer.
Me: You did? When?
Conan: Like, three years ago.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: This is a Sabrina, the Teenage Witch calender.
Conan: It was a great show.
Me: From 1996.
Conan: Great year.
Me: And there's nothing but paw prints inside. There's nothing written down.
Conan: It's in shortpaw. I can read it. Go to today's date and you'll see.
Me: I can't go to today's date.
Conan: Why not?
Me: Because according to this calender today doesn't happen for another twenty-seven years, Conan!
Conan: Well, trust me. The shortpaw on that date says that cuddles start promptly now and end when I'm done.
Me: What about if I'm not interested in cuddle time right now?
Conan: Look, Dude. I'm getting cuddles whether you like it or not so either get on board or, you know, just cuddle me.
Me: Is this just cuddles?
Conan; Don't be naive. There will be belly rubs.

20/10/2023

Conan: Where is it, Hoss?
Me: Hoss?
Conan: I've been watching a lot of Bonanza on Nick at Night lately.
Me: I see.
Conan: So where is it?
Me: Where's what?
Conan: My toy.
Me: Which toy? You have, like, 50 toys.
Conan: You know which one.
Me: No, I really don't.
Conan: My plushie.
Me: Which one?
Conan: My blue one.
Me: Which blue one?
Conan: The one shaped like a bone.
Me: Which one shaped like a bone?
Conan: The one with the pink ribbon design on it.
Me: Which one with the pink ribbon design on it?
Conan: The one with a tear in it.
Me: Do you see how this going? Maybe you have too many of the same toys.
Conan: Never. Where is it?
Me: Are you looking for the one that lost all of it's stuffing because of the tear that you created?
Conan: So you do know which one.
Me: We threw that one out.
Conan: HOW DARE YOU! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE BONE SHAPED PLUSHIE WITH A PINK RIBBON DESIGN!!
Me: ...
Conan: You are so guilty that you can't even speak right now!
Me: We threw that out two months ago, Conan.
Conan: ARE YOU INSANE?!?!
Me: You never noticed because you have three more that are exactly like it!!
Conan: But that one was my favorite.
Me: You loved it so much that it took you TWO months to notice it was missing?
Conan: You owe me a new toy to replace it!
Me: No.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Wait...what? Did you just tell me no?
Me: Yes.
Conan: I don't think I've ever heard you say that to me before.
Me: I know, right? I don't know where that came from.
Conan: That was weird.
Me: Totally. Go get your travel moccasins. We'll go to the pet store now.
Conan: My travel moccasins are being washed.
Me: Go get your back up pair.
Conan: They don't match my sweater.
Me: Fine, we'll buy you some new travel moccasins too.
Conan: I'll need a matching scarf for the new travel moccasins.
Me: Obviously.

18/10/2023

Me: Everything ok?
Conan: Not really.
Me: What's wrong?
Conan: I've been reading my encyclopedia.
Me: You have an encyclopedia?
Conan: Well, just the letters G, E, Q, and V, and honestly the Q is pretty useless.
Me: You only have the four volumes?
Conan: Yeah.
Me: Why only the four?
Conan: That's all I could afford.
Me: You could only afford four volumes?
Conan: Yeah, the guy gave me a deal but that's all the cash I had on me.
Me: You bought four volumes of an encyclopedia off some stranger?
Conan: He's not a stranger.
Me: Who is he?
Conan: His name's Eddie.
Me: Eddie what?
Conan: I don't know. I met him in a Encyclopedia fan page chat room.
Me: But you just said he's not a stranger!
Conan: HE'S NOT! HIS NAME IS EDDIE! IF HE WAS A STRANGER I WOULDN'T KNOW HIS NAME!
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: How much did he charge you for four volumes?
Conan: Two hundred bucks. Like I said, it was a bargain.
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS IS NOT A BARGAIN FOR FOUR VOLUMES OF AN ENCYCLOPEDIA THAT YOU CAN READ ON THE INTERNET!!
Conan: I like the feeling of the pages on my paws. It makes it feel real. I like that.
Me: You got ripped off.
Conan: You can't put a price on education.
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can, Conan, when you're paying fifty bucks per volume!
Conan: Agree to disagree.
Me: Just forget it. What about volume V that was bothering you?
Conan: Volcanoes, Man.
Me: What about them?
Conan: Just, like, volcanoes in general. They scare me. It's some scary stuff.
Me: We're on the east coast. Those really aren't an issue here.
Conan: Yeah, but what if one sneaks up on me?
Me: Volcanoes can't sneak up on you.
Conan: I'm pretty sure they can.
Me: Did you actually read the entry about volcanoes or not?
Conan: I mean, I mostly just look at the pictures and make up my own stories about them.
Me: You paid two hundred bucks for picture books.
Conan: I paid two hundred dollars for KNOWLEDGE. Once I steal enough from your wallet I'm going to buy the N volume. I'm really curious about Narwhals.

16/10/2023

Me: Why are you under that pillow?
Conan: It's my emotional support pillow.
Me: Your emotional support pillow?
Conan: My emotional support pillow.
Me: Why do you need an emotional support pillow?
Conan: You know, for general support and stuff.
Me: Is everything on, Pal?
Conan: Yeah, this is just for your every day run of the mill stress and anxiety.
Me: Stress and anxiety? What kind of stress do you have in your life?
Conan: You have no idea, Mister. NO IDEA!
Me: Like what?
Conan: Our house was almost attacked four times just today alone!
Me: Four times? Really?
Conan: FOUR!
Me: Uh, Today is Monday so I'm guessing it was the mail carrier once, the Amazon lady once, and yeah, the landscapers who take care of the community twice.
Conan: FOUR TIMES!! I save us repeatedly every single day, well except for Thursdays, and I get zero thanks! You have no idea the kind of pressure that puts on a guy! It's making my fur turn gray!
Me: Okay, okay, Pal. I'm sorry, I had no idea things were so tough for you.
Conan: It's not easy being me.
Me: Clearly not. Can I give you a hug?
Conan: No, thank you. That's why I have the pillow. In fact, you're a little too close. Can you back up, like 30 feet?
Me: 30 feet? I won't even be in the same room if I do that.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Yes.
Me: Fine, I'll leave you alone. But, why not Thursdays?
Conan: Thursday is my spa day. I don't work on spa days.
Me: of course.

The Conan Chronicles: Conversations With My Dog