The Comfort Café (2024)

05/06/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 42

Receiving your pet’s cremains (the technical term for ashes that remain after the body has been cremated) can be an emotional experience. I’ll write a separate post on that. For now, though, the question is whether you should choose to bury your pet or, once you’ve received their cremains, what do you do with them?

I grew up on a small farm which we shared with a fair number of animals. We always had several dogs who were eventually buried in what became a pet graveyard that overlooked the stables.

A couple of decades later, my sweet cat was hit by a car. I was faced with the decision to bury or cremate his body.

We lived in suburbia where it’s against the local by-laws to bury an animal in the garden for various reasons, including environmental ones.

Because I was familiar with the idea of burying my pets, I chose the same for my cat’s cremains. My boyfriend and I had a little ceremony in the garden. I included a letter I wrote Finn and some roses in the little grave.

We moved away from that home many years ago. I don’t have any lingering regrets about leaving him there. But many animal lovers might not want to feel like they’re leaving their pet behind.

Cremation is offered by vets in densely populated areas, so it’s become an accepted end-of-life process once pets have passed away. This option gives you more flexibility for what to do with their cremains.

Sometimes the boxes in which they’re returned spend years on the mantlepiece and are eventually moved into a cupboard out of the way, having never been opened.

There’s nothing wrong with this option, of course. However, I feel it's a bit of a dead-end (if you’ll excuse the expression).

>> Continues in the captions

05/06/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 41

I have pet loss clients who still carry guilt around their pet’s passing from many years before. Holding onto guilt takes up so much energy. If I had a superpower, I’d wave my magic wand and free animal lovers from the guilt they believe they should hold themselves to.

My question for you, dear animal lover, is: Are you still holding on to what you feel went wrong? Perhaps there was a string of events that happened out of your control; and you’re still blaming yourself for that.

To continue journeying through grief, there comes a moment where we have to let go of past events we had no agency over.

This calls for gentle forgiveness. Learning to forgive ourselves can be the hardest thing to do. It means accepting that perhaps our actions played a part in our pet’s dying process. Maybe there was an accident that resulted in their death. Perhaps we feel we didn’t do enough for them.

We can’t change the past. What we can do is accept it. And choose to believe that we did our best, even if we believe we didn’t. Understand that we loved our animal friends and did what we could. We are human and thus not perfect.

When we know better, we do better. So in future, you’ll be armed with more knowledge and information than you had this time.

Allowing gentleness and softening into our thoughts are the first steps to acceptance, forgiveness and letting go. Recognising that we did all we could and that it’s time to allow past events to flow away; allows us to enter into a state of grace.

Gentle acceptance allows energy to flow between you and your animal friend’s spirit. Allow this to evolve into a beautiful spiritual grace-filled connection.

>> Continues in the comments

26/04/2023

This is a simple tip I use before I connect with animals who have crossed the Rainbow Bridge. It’s gentle and comforting for grieving pet lovers - an easy way to connect with your own heart and your pet’s too.

21/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 40

Dear Animal Lovers, I have a challenge for you today.

I’m encouraging you to continue to build on your habit of collecting happy memories.

I remember choosing to close the door on mine when they started seeping through the fog of my grief. It hurt too much to entertain any of those memories.

Over time I began to welcome them because I realised they were like little jewels that helped break the stranglehold my grief had on me. I’d felt frozen with sorrow, but these little sparks of happiness kept infiltrating my mind until I opened to them and welcomed them in.

So that’s my challenge for you. To slowly embrace these happy little memories. Trust that you can cope with this new way of feeling: experiencing happiness through your grief.

Try this:
Make a numbered list of your happy memories of your pet.
Every time another pops up, jot it down.

Notice how these make your body feel. You’re beginning to experience the duality of your journey through grief: feeling happiness alongside your sadness.

Focus on these beautiful memories, feel this energy in your body and allow it to expand. This is their ongoing love you are feeling.

16/04/2023

I offer a Crossing Over Connection Reading, which is an intuitive tune-in to the energy of your animal friend.

I act as the go-between the two of you.
You are invited to send me a list of questions you’d like answers to. I’ll relay this information and send you the response I receive via What’s App.

My animal communication sessions are infused with Reiki, which flows to the situation to help ease the issue you’re struggling with.

13/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 39

If it’s been several months since your pet crossed the Rainbow Bridge, your grief could feel softer. Have a different quality to it. It feels more familiar. You’ve come to terms with the fact that they’re no longer with you, but you still feel sad. This indicates that you’re moving through your grief. You are making progress.

However, if a chunk of time has passed and you still feel anguished pain around your loss, you might be stuck in – what I call – the guilt-grief loop.

Notice what your thoughts are doing.

If you are replaying the same event; you are reactivating the pain of the wound and not allowing it to heal.

If this has become a habit and these are your go-to thoughts, your mind is stuck in a loop. This pattern, or habit, needs to be interrupted.

Try this:
Catch your thoughts and notice what is going through your mind. Are they repeating a moment from a past event that involved your pet, that isn’t a happy memory?

This habit is not serving you or your mental health.

Write down the persistent thoughts that keep circling in your mind.
Keep doing this every time a persistent, looping thought shows up.

Once you’ve gathered these thoughts on paper over a several days, it’s time to burn them.

Please do this in a safe way. Tear the pages in half and use a metal or glass container to hold the burning pages. Ensure the ashes don’t blow around and the fire is out afterwards!

12/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 38

“Are you STILL crying because your pet died?
It’s been ages – shouldn’t you be over it by now?”

People can be really insensitive and say hurtful things!

Perhaps a significant amount of time has passed, but you’re still struggling to feel okay after having said goodbye to your cherished animal friend.

How long is a significant amount of time?

I don’t know. It’s different for everyone.

I know that I need a year to cycle through my grief.
A Year of Firsts, I call it. A year of experiencing each day without my animal friend, each holiday, each anniversary.

I give myself a year to feel my feelings and allow my grief to spill over. Experience tells me that after a year has passed, I’ll be able to reflect on my relationship with that particular pet. I’ll know what feelings are unresolved and which parts of our story need healing.

This will likely be different for you.

Try this:
Start a Memory Jar
You’ll need
• A glass jar
• Small note papers (I like the square memo note blocks in different colours)
• Coloured pens, stickers, washi tape
Set a timer for ten or fifteen minutes
Remember a happy time or a special moment and write it down.
Decorate your note.
Add the date if you like
Fold it into quarters and add it to your jar.

Do this every day, or several times daily if many moments come up for you.
Put your jar where you can see it. Add a label and a pic of your pet too.
This is the place to store your special memories. Dip into it when you need a pick-me-up or happy thoughts during sad moments.

11/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 37

Dearest Animal Lover

I want you to know that you are allowed to feel happy again! Even amidst your grief.

Please don’t think you’re not allowed to feel happy at all, or you should be grieving and only feeling sadness.

No. Your beloved animal friend would not want this for you.

Your enduring partnership comprised so many happy moments. These are your treasured memories, and they can help you navigate the very dark moments when life feels unbearable without them.

There really are gifts in our grief. They may be brief moments but they feel like the sun breaking through the clouds. They can help shift us into a better state of mind.

Try this:
On days that are particularly hard, I encourage you to think of a happy memory of you and your animal friend.

Remember the moment in as much detail as you can. What made you feel so much happiness? Did your pet make you laugh? What was so funny?

Feel each of those moments. Imagine that you are there right now. Feel the air on your skin. What can you smell? What is your pet doing that makes you feel happy?

Capture these moments in as much detail as you can in your journal.
Reflect back on your notes in future and notice how this happy memory feels in your body.

It’s okay to feel sad and happy simultaneously. I believe our animals who have crossed the rainbow bridge want us to feel happiness. That is one of their lasting gifts to us.

09/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 36

Dearest animal lover,

I know this is hard. The mere thought of losing your animal friend is upsetting and fills you with dread.

There’s an inevitability about your time together running out. This can cause overwhelming anxiety that feels inescapable.

Our thoughts conjure up the worst possibilities, and we torture ourselves by thinking of the worst-case scenarios around our pet’s health. What if they’re in terrible pain? What if we can’t help them.

When we allow these kinds of thoughts to take hold and run out of control like wildfire in our minds, all we’re doing is frightening ourselves.

This doesn’t help the situation. It’s important to BE PRESENT IN THIS MOMENT. We can control how we feel in each moment if we are grounded and not thinking scary thoughts.

When those feelings of overwhelm threaten to tip you over the edge, there is a simple technique to help you stay in the moment and calm your emotions.

Take some timeout to simply follow your five senses to help you feel grounded. This will help alleviate your anxiety too.

Try this:
Focus on your breath for a few minutes: sit quietly and notice your breathing… feel your breath as the air moves over your top lip…
Look around you and notice your environment.

• 5 • Look around and notice FIVE things you SEE. Really LOOK at these things – notice the shape, the colour, the texture…
• 4 • Look around for FOUR things you can TOUCH. FEEL the texture, how the object feels under your fingers… maybe notice the chair beneath you, or how your feet feel on the floor.
• 3 • Notice THREE things you can HEAR. Is it the traffic? Your pet’s breathing, the birds outside…
• 2 • Become aware of TWO things you can SMELL. Maybe it’s the fur of your animal friend, maybe the smell of cooking coming from the kitchen…
• 1 • Become aware of ONE thing you can taste. Perhaps from something you ate earlier?

Now let our attention drift to your body, just notice how you’re feeling. There should be a quietness, a peaceful sensation. Sit in this energy for as long as you need and come back to this exercise if you feel overwhelmed again.

07/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 35

I don’t know if there are any “perfect” end-of-life decisions. If we have the luxury of time, I feel that we can plan aspects of how we want things to unfold. Obviously, this is dictated by our pet’s health and their decline.

The thing to please remember here: you can only do what you can do. Life is complicated. It’s full of moving parts. Perhaps you work full time and can’t be at home to give your ailing pet the extra necessary care they need. There might be financial restrictions.

Whatever the situation, remember that you will always do the best you can for the animal you love. Your animal, in turn, won’t judge you for your perceived shortcomings.

Despite the unfolding tragedy of saying goodbye, please try and see the gift of time that you still have together – as that – a gift.

Try this:
Set a timer for ten minutes, or more – as long as you like.

Choose to spend time with your pet in this time frame, but the condition is: you’re not allowed to worry. You’re not allowed to catastrophise or allow your thoughts to loop into all the What ifs and Hows.

All your thoughts and worries will still be there. Just choose, in these moments each day, to set them aside for a short time.

Spend these moments being present with your pet.

Focus on breathing together. Place a hand gently on their body or lie next to them in companionable silence.

Maybe tell them a story that involves happy memories of time spent together.

Moments like these provide mental relief and a sense of inner peace. Of course, there will likely be tears, and your heartache will grow.

See and experience these moments as gifts to cherish during the time you still have to share.

03/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 34

Approaching the end of our pet’s life is a double edge sword. We can't face what’s coming but we still have time to enjoy together. It’s an overwhelmingly difficult thought to even consider.

On the other hand, we still have time with our animal friends – but we don’t know how long. This is a gut-wrenching part of our journey through pet loss.

I remember the feeling of dread that I woke to every morning during the last months of Joe’s life. I knew we were on borrowed time. Every new development and deterioration in his health triggered an avalanche of distress in my body.

My sleep was affected. I snacked on junk food because it gave me short bursts of feeling better. I couldn’t stop crying. My temper was frayed. It was a challenge living with me.

In short, I wasn’t coping. I was experiencing anticipatory grief.

My vet was supportive and he assisted us as best he could. But eventually, I knew the time would run out.

When Joe could no longer stand and I could see he was struggling with this – he hated needing help. I knew it was time. I confess I felt a measure of relief.

Relief that this struggle would be over and the end was in sight.

As callous as that may sound, I felt my grief more acutely than ever. I couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye to him.

I judged myself so harshly for feeling that relief. I know now that this is also a normal part of being a human being, of loving a cherished animal I was about to lose.

It’s also typical of the mind to notice two opposing states: holding on and letting go – agony and relief.

Try this:
Please be kind to yourself. You are doing the absolute best you can with the resources you have on hand. Trust that you are making the best decisions for your pet and their care.

Every time the horror thoughts show up in your mind, help it feel calmer.
Place one hand on your heart, the other above your belly button, under your ribcage, and take three deep breaths.

Choose a kind thought or one of gratitude.

01/04/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 33

Deepen your existing bond with your deceased pet

Dearest animal lover,
I want you to know that this is indeed possible! They are not gone. Their spirit is still right there with you.

It is possible to deepen your existing bond with your animal friend, even though they are no longer in their physical body. This takes time and will build as your grief eases.

Try this:
Grab your journal and write down a question: If you were here right now, what would you be doing?

Wait a moment. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and focus on your heart space.

When you feel or see something in your mind’s eye, write that down. Maybe it’s a thought or a memory you share. Trust that whatever shows up is right for you.

Write down another question: Can you let me know how you’re feeling? Follow the same process.

It's important to remember to trust the impressions you receive.

Once you’ve written these down, take a moment to notice your body – how does it feel now? Softer? Calmer?

If this has triggered tears – that is okay! Please be gentle with yourself. Put your hands on your heart or give yourself a hug to self-soothe.

31/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 32
What does your heart need to heal?

This is a gentle question.

There is no rush and no deadline when it comes to answering it.

You might not know right now or think you’ll ever feel like your heart is whole and unbroken again.

Our animals love us unconditionally, and I don’t believe they would want us to continue to feel brokenhearted or guilty after they’ve crossed over.

Grief never really leaves us. Eventually, we learn to live with this “new normal”, and the ache in our hearts may stay for years.

But our hearts have the incredible capacity to love and grow and hold more than our grief.

Try this:
In your journal, draw a picture of your heart.

Fill it up with how you feel.

You can write some words that describe your feelings. Draw them or use colour to express how your heart feels.

Maybe add images of your pet and list the things you miss about them.

Add the date and revisit this exercise a few times a month. You’ll notice how your feelings shift and how your heart feels.

If at all possible, you’ll feel even more love in your heart for your beloved animal friend.

30/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 31

Did you know, dearest animal lover, that there are gifts in our grief?
Our animal friends WANT us to know they still have gifts to share.

Our sweet pets will continue to share their lessons and gifts from spirit. But we must be open to receiving them.

Their unconditional love is not based on them being in a body. The connection we shared with them is not severed when they cross over.

Our mind is very attached to interacting with our pets when they’re in their body. We forget we can still connect to them once they’ve crossed over.

There are wonderful gifts that are awaiting us… They still have so much to share with us.

Try this:
Spend some time thinking about what those gifts could be.
What did you learn about yourself while this animal shared your life?
Who were you before they joined you for a part of your journey?
Can you remember?
How have you grown and changed since then?
Have they helped you grow as a person?

Journal your answers.

29/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 30

How to journal your thoughts

Dearest animal lover

I’d love to introduce you to the magic of journaling.
This might seem like a simple activity, but it can help move us through deep grief profoundly.

The persistent looping thoughts that swirl around your head can be quietened by putting pen to paper.

The meditative effect of your pen moving across the page can calm your nervous system. This is a safe way to process your emotions. You have a chance to say what you want to say or felt you couldn’t say before. This is what makes writing so powerful.

Try this:
You can use any old pen and notebook to write in. But the act of buying a lovely journal to hold your thoughts and memories can be turned into a special little ritual.

Choose a journal that will suit your writing style. Do you prefer a spiral-bound notebook, or a hardcover one? Find a pen that writes in a way you like.

Make a bookmark and decorate it with photos of your pet.

Decorate the first page with a beautiful photo of your animal friend. After all, this journal will be dedicated to your journey and the memories you shared.

27/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 29

One of the things affected by grief is our sleep. Sleep is super important for the function of our nervous system.

Grief triggers the fight or flight state – which is helpful because it helps us to focus and make decisions in difficult moments. Not being able to sleep means we are on alert for anything that might come out of the blue.
But we need to sleep to allow our nervous system to rest.

Try this:
• Snuggle in your duvet and get as cosy and comfy as you can.
• Play some soft, gentle tunes (search for binaural beats for self care and anxiety relief)
• Sleep as much as you can (consider using Bach Rescue Remedy Night. It contains White Chestnut to help quieten looping thoughts)
• Focus on your breath – long inhalations and exhalations will help quieten your mind and calm your nervous system.

Waking up with the hollow feeling of remembering is hard though. Take your time. Put your hands over your heart. Connect to your breath and allow the tears to flow. Give yourself permission to cry and feel sad if this is how you are feeling.

24/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 28

Are you feeling like you need a hug?

It’s been almost twenty years since I had to make the decision to euthanise my mare. I journeyed through that grief on my own.

Sharing our grief seems much easier now that we can post about it on social media and receive immediate support and empathy. But that wasn’t the case for me in the early 2000s.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was wishing for some kind of relief or support. I didn’t know how to ask for help or where to start looking.

I’ve since learned we can always start with ourselves. We can give ourselves what we need from one moment to the next.

Grieving deeply can leave us feeling unsafe. Especially if we are still carrying unresolved grief in our bodies.

Try this: Give yourself a hug. With your feet flat on the floor, simply wrap your arms around your body. Close your eyes. Sit like this for a few breaths. Feel the weight of your arms. Feel your feet on the ground.

This is a quick and easy self-care tip and it’s a simple way to calm your nervous system

23/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 27

You might notice a quiet feeling of panic after your pet has crossed over when you cannot feel their energy anymore. We are so used to feeling our pet's energy with their presence. Now that they've crossed over, it's the emptiness we experience the most.

The emptiness is unexpected. How can they be here one minute and be gone the next? Your mind will really grapple with trying to understand this.

This might exacerbate your grief and cause you even more distress. Grief is a very dense emotion. Once it begins to ease you will feel your pet’s energy again.

Even though the two of you are no longer living on this earthly plane together, your connection continues. It's not like a tap that you turn off when the animal’s spirit leaves its body. The connection you shared continues.

Try this: Using the Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 6 and Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 7, put your hands on your heart and focus on your breath.

Notice a gentle feeling around your heart. Breathe into this space. Sit with this until you feel a softening. Don’t rush it. If your thoughts wander, take the focus back to your heart.

Now think about your pet… this might bring more tears, but that’s okay. Focus on the gentle space of your heart, and think about your pet. Practice this as many times as you like.

Eventually, you will start to feel their energy again the way you sensed their presence or energy when they were alive.

Notice if thoughts and memories start to bubble up. Keep a journal nearby and write these down.

22/03/2023

Heartfelt Pet Loss Tip 26

At some point, we have to face the world. Even though it feels like it has stopped for us, life carries on.

This is a vulnerable time. Our hearts hurt, tears threaten, and waves of grief are tumultuous.

Dealing with how people respond to your grief will feel overwhelming.
People probably don’t mean to be insensitive, but they could be.

If you're crying and someone asks why you're upset – have your answer ready.

You could reply: I’m having a bad day, and break eye contact. This will let the other person know you'd rather not talk about it.

There is no need to tell everyone why you feel upset because not everyone will understand. It might be easier not trying to explain through your tears.

If the person is empathetic, they’ll gently enquire about your loss.

Try this: Write down a list of possible responses you can use when someone asks. These can contain as much or as little detail as you’d like to share. Say them over a few times to remember them if you need to.

The Comfort Café

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