25/04/2025
I haven't wanted to type this out because somehow putting it on social media makes it more real, as if it weren't real enough.
Arnie has cancer. It's a large subdermal mass in his bottom jaw. He likely has fibrosarcoma, but we don't know for certain because we have not been able to do a biopsy or CT. I've known for about a month. I found out on April Fools Day of all days. His dentist discovered it during an oral exam. 😞 We explored the idea of aggressive surgery & treatment at UC Davis in California. A small group of UC Davis specialists (oral surgeon, oncologist, & radiologist) along with Arnie's dentist here in Vegas discussed his case as he's not an easy patient given everything else - mainly he’s a frenchie. In the end we decided that would not be in Arnie's best interest to try for surgery and chemo & instead opted for palliative care. This was not a financial decision. This was me trying to do what I hoped would be best for him. They basically would have needed to remove a large portion of his jaw, and that’s assuming he survived each stage of anesthesias as he would have needed to go under more than once. Some may recall that Arnie has arrested on two separate occasions under anesthesia in the past because he has a heart condition called sick sinus syndrome.
It seems the cancer is more aggressive than we hoped. The mass, which is as hard as a marble, is beginning to push up under his tongue and block his airway. Yesterday at his recheck, his dentist said it had grown 25% since the previous check two weeks prior. This morning, I swear it felt like doubled in size from even yesterday.
The irony of me having this account to talk about the big trip to Germany to fix his breathing only for his breathing to be what takes him out in the end. I mean, it’s the cancer but the tumor is blocking his ability to get in air.
Today, I tried to make his euthanasia appointment for Sunday morning. I called the at-home place, talked to them but just broke down bawling and couldn’t go through with it. I don't want Arnie to deteriorate so far he is back to trying to sleep sitting or gasping for breaths, or stops eating, but dammit. Arnie is the love of my life. My soul feels completely intertwined with his. My entire being feels shattered. Hourly I am reduced to gut wrenching sobs. Oh, sweet Arnie how do I even go on without you? 💔 Anyone who knows me knows how I live for him and have done so for 10 years. I know making that appointment is the right thing by Arnie but fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
As far as what to do with Arnie after he dies. I’m putting this out to the universe in case anyone has an idea. At one time, I planned to articulate his skeleton, I already have a talented person who does this who agreed to take Arnie, and then donate it back to the university in Germany to display. However, Arnie’s surgeon has since retired and I no longer have contacts there. If I were to do this, does anyone know of somewhere, museum, university, that would take his skeleton along with his dog show photos and use it as an example of how we’ve taken these dogs bodies too far? For why it’s cruel to breed dogs like him and to show how deformed they are under the “cute” wrinkles. I would love for his legacy to carry on, so that his struggles weren’t in vain. So that he’s never forgotten. He’s too special. Otherwise, I guess he’s going under a rose bush in my backyard with Milly and Vashti.
