02/01/2024
Mawi, I hope you know you were not alone. I was there like I promised. I was there until your very last breath.
I am writing this goodbye letter for some reason the tears keep falling and I am unable to find peace.
I am sure you are at peace and you lived a full happy fourteen years with us. But on a selfish note, I got so used to you, sitting beside me and running to the door when I called you. I am struck with deep sadness at your passing. I am glad I had a chance to say goodbye and hug you many times on your last days. BUT I honestly didn't imagine it would feel this horrible, never being able to see you again in this lifetime. You are gone now and my heart breaks.
You’ve taught me so many lessons but I think the biggest one was how to love selflessly and without conditions. There was absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t do for you - even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness. Seeing your smiling face with that tongue hanging out brought me the joy that I’ve come to learn is what parents feel when they see their child make the same face.
Your joy was my joy.
You were so little when we got you and I was so young. You were always by my side, literally and figuratively. Through my ups and down, every occasions, arbitrary illnesses, and everything else…there you were. wherever i go you’re always with me. You loved to just be near me, and you made sure I knew it.
Out of our 14 years together, this was the first time I didn’t know how to fix you, and I was afraid it might be your time to leave me. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. You couldn’t even walk. I was carrying you everywhere I go, from the kitchen, to the table, to the floor, to the bed, just to make sure you had company and knew how much I loved you.
But each and every time I did it, it broke my heart a little bit more. You seemed so frail and exhausted, I could feel every bone in your body from all the weight you lost.
I begged you to stay with me every single night that week. I sat down next to you and whispered
“please spend one more Christmas with me”,
as I pet your small little head while you slept.
I prayed for you, I wished on stars for you.
Deep down, I had a feeling you wouldn’t make it to Christmas.
I am in pain because i have to let you go so you don’t suffer in pain anymore. I wish i didn’t have to make this choice. But i did it because i love you.
When I said goodbye to you, I wasn’t prepared for it. But I’ve learned that you can never be prepared to lose someone you love. You trusted me right up to the end. You believed me when I told you that you didn’t have to live forever and it’s OK to go.
I felt the life leave your body and you took a piece of me with you.
I miss you so much already. I am hoping this letter gets rid of my heartache but it's not working. Hopefully I will find you in my dreams and thoughts and heal from this loss. You were the biggest constant in my life, and I can’t believe I don’t get to see you every day anymore. Your passing symbolizes the end of an era, the end of a very sweet daughter.
I love you forever my baby girl🎈
Love,
Mom
