Kaylee Uncrated: The Kaylee Chronicles (2025)

06/05/2025

It's a Kaylee-versary! This was my first day home picture 10 years ago. Yes, I was having a bad hair day (well, bad hair life, up until that point), but Mommy knew I would end up being the most beautiful maligator ever to walk the earth. And I AM!!! I just needed good food (and lots of it!), plenty of attention and some tender loving care. And treats, of course! While sometimes I don't get quite as many treats as I want and deserve, I still feel like I made a good decision, hitching my star to a truck heading from Texas to New York. I may be a tough southern girl by birthright, but I'm a New Yorker by destiny, and I was destined to be a Camp Ambassadog Extraordinaire!

06/04/2025

My Mom did this and I thought it was fun, so I thought I'd try it, too! Tell me something you’ve done that you’re fairly confident you’re the only dog on my follower list to ever have done! I'll start...I carried a 50-pound potted plant off my deck and dragged it to the very back of the yard, and then shredded the pot when I realized the plant really just wanted to be free! I also removed a black plastic BBQ cover from the BBQ, dragged it into the yard, shredded it and then (here's the really cool part!) hung all the shreds high up in the trees so it looked like Halloween decorations! I also slurped up a lizard whole, road tripped to Florida and climbed up a palm tree chasing after said lizard and, oh yeah, I am a full partner in a dog vacation business! So...your turn now! What cool stuff have YOU done that no other dog has done??? (Cute picture added for interest and because, well, who doesn't want to see more pictures of Kaylee, right?)

03/04/2025

When Mom leaves the computer on and you're bored, so you create an action figure of your Mom, except the computer doesn't understand that the most important part is the action figure dogs, which came out looking flat and far less pretty than we really are! At least there's no crate in the accessory pack...

01/03/2025

As you all know, I am Kaylee UNcrated. No crates for this maligator, thank you very much! I believe I’ve been very honest and upfront about this from day one, destroying every crate Mommy ever tried to put me in, so I feel like the “incident” that happened today is not truly my fault.

The whole story really started a week ago with the “pre-incident.” Which was also not my fault. Well, mostly anyway.

You see, my big sister likes to sleep on the couch because that’s her comfy place. No one argues that she should be able to sleep in her comfy place, as everyone knows dogs need comfy sleeping spots. But it’s not a very wide couch, and her back legs don’t turn all that well anymore, so sometimes she falls off. Mommy didn’t want her getting hurt, so she put a super comfy dog bed at the foot of the couch.

The thing is, the super comfy dog bed is MY comfy place. I like sleeping there. The couch is too small, and Melina always grabs the second couch spot, and the bed at the foot of the couch is perfect for me. Yes, yes, there are all kinds of beds in other places, but I like THAT bed in THAT spot. It’s mine, and what’s mine is mine. Maligator rules.

So Mommy was out and we were all napping, which is as good a way as any to spend the time when no walkies are happening and no Amazon truck is there to bark at and no treats are likely to become available. So there I was, fast asleep in my comfy space, when the “pre-incident” happened. Lexie fell off the couch, right on top of me! So basically I was woken from a dead sleep with this huge weight falling on top of me, nails digging in as she scrabbled to find her feet. I panicked, thinking I was being attacked!! I mean, it could’ve been a bear, or an alligator or a wolf for all I knew! I have a bit of arthritis, too, so having something topple on me like that was very scary and painful! For Lexie, too, and both of us scrambled, but somehow my teeth came in contact with the edge of her ear. Total accident, and just a tiny nick, really, but…ears bleed…a lot.

So Mommy came home and saw the dog bed, MY comfy dog bed, covered in blood. And she totally freaked out. We both told her it was an accident and we were fine, but she still said my sister had to go to the V-E-T. And it was late at night, so that meant the more expensive emergency V-E-T. Who is actually a friend of ours, so visiting her isn’t so bad, not really bad at all, especially if no nails get cut. But Lexie ended up coming home in a cone, which is no fun, and Mommy had to pay a big hospital bill, and she was super stressed since she said we’re not allowed to spend her money before she actually makes it. So after that, Mommy said she no longer trusts me to stay loose in the house when she’s gone because she needs to keep a bed by the couch, and I need to sleep on that bed, and Lexie will still be on that couch with her legs that don’t turn. So she said I had to be crated.

Now you probably can guess how I felt about that! That’s a big no as far as I’m concerned – again, Kaylee UNcrated, thank you very much – plus, I’m 10 years old, WAY too old to be in a crate. So Mommy said I could stay in the bedroom when she is out and I could sleep on the bed there, and Lexie could stay on the couch. Which all seems reasonable, right?

Except…it really isn’t. Because sometimes I’m in the bedroom, and then I realize fun things are going out OUTSIDE the bedroom and I’m not getting to do them because I’m locked in the bedroom! Like, I literally saw her walking Melina from the bedroom window, and there I was, stuck inside. The Amazon guy came for the zillionth time, and I could only bark from the bedroom window, which is not NEARLY as much fun as jumping on the couch and barking from the living room window! I mean, you can barely even see me from the bedroom window, so how can I be a big, scary, protective Malinois if you can’t even see my face and my perfectly perfect upturned ears? I could be a poodle for all they know, or a maltese! NOT okay! Plus, I was pretty sure some treat action was happening when I was in the bedroom, and I wasn’t getting any, which was TOTALLY not cool!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a crate by any other name…is still a crate. And the bedroom was really just a bigger, more luxe version of a crate. Which I wanted out of.

Which brings us to “the incident.” I have Big Feelings about the crate thing and I needed to make my feelings known. Sadly, instead of listening empathetically, Mommy was off walking Melina without a care in the world, no thought to her sweet and perfect Kaylee dog, stuck in a room-sized crate, missing out on all the fun, watching them walk down the block together, me on the outside, looking in…well on the inside looking out, technically. But you know what I mean. Poor, lonely Kaylee dog! So neglected, so forgotten, stuck in a giant crate while my baby sister was having all the fun! So…I maybe worked on adding a dog door to the bedroom (pictures enclosed for those of you who like visuals). I am fond of renovating, and I thought this was actually a fine addition. But Mommy was not pleased. She said I destroyed her door and shredded wood everywhere is NOT a home improvement, and I am destroying her house and costing her money she doesn’t have and it’s ALL KAYLEE’S FAULT!!!

But, dear readers, was it REALLY my fault? I say no! I TOLD her I am Kaylee UNcrated! It’s literally part of my name! And…she tried to crate me anyway, ME, a 10 year old dog! Grown up and mature, NOT a crazy wild child puppy like Melina who can’t be left loose in the house. Is that fair? Is that right? I say no. So I DID say no!

Incidentally, the door tasted surprisingly good. And once I got my nails and teeth going, it was really kind of freeing. Mommy thought I was just pi**ed off and maybe I was, a bit, but it also gave me a place to put all those Big Feelings. I am, after all, a fierce and scary Malinois, and that door was no match for me! Sometimes you just need to take a stand and make your feelings known.

But now Mommy says I have to be in a crate every time she goes out. And that’s SO not fair!

So what do I do now? Call the ASPCA and report her? Tear up the couch, which really caused the problem in the first place? Eat Mommy’s keys so she can’t go out, taking the whole crate thing out of play? Looking for suggestions…

20/02/2025

It’s my birthday and I’ll bark if I want to…

MOM! The Amazon guy is here! Do you think he has any birthday presents for me? I’m 10 today, I should probably bark TEN times to let him know! Do you think there will be 10 presents for this super duper amazing maligator?

Snark if I want to…

Mom! Melina looked at the toy I was thinking about playing with! It’s my birthday so ALL the toys are MINE, even if I’m not playing with them yet! Make her give it back!!

Narc if I want to…

MOMMM! Lexie ate all her food and didn’t leave any crumbs for me to lick! And on my BIRTHDAY!!!! Can you tell her she’s not allowed to do that? Better yet, can you put more food in her dish and tell her she’s not allowed to eat it since she’s supposed to leave some for me?

Yes, this maligator is having a birthday, I am officially in DOUBLE DIGITS!!! I reminded Mom that since she went out to dinner last night for HER birthday, I should get to go out tonight for mine! Sadly, there’s some silly rule about dogs not being allowed to hang out in steakhouses, but Mommy made it up to me by making me yummy beef meatballs and steak, and then we all had ice cream and Mommy sang Happy Birthday to me! I took my ice cream to go (well, to go into the bedroom where no other dogs could watch me and envy my ice cream, which was bigger and better than theirs, which is just as it should be since it’s MY birthday!), so no pictures of this zippy-fast maligator. But here are my meatballs at the halfway cooking mark -- they seemed to take forever but they were soooo yummy! Totally worth the work (not that I did any of the work, but I did the eating part, and really, that's the most important part, right?)

Worried that you missed my birthday? It’s not too late to send a treat! I fear the dreaded diet may be back tomorrow, so I’ll be taking treat donations to stock up – you can send them to me at my GoFeedMe account. Tag me at for details!

25/01/2025

Day two of The Diet Wars, and it's Kaylee for the win!!

Although I am a fierce and scary malinois with strength, power and very sharp teeth, biting a diet is hard, and anyway, I prefer brain games to biting games. This makes sense since I am, of course, the very smartest malinois ever to walk the earth, and also, the most clever. So I have been using my maligator voodoo magic to Get Results.

Now, typically, my sisters and I go out in the yard while the help (aka Mommy) prepares our breakfast. We run around and play chase until we hear the spoon clink against the dish (well, we hear it -- Lexie is deaf and can't hear at all anymore, but we jump up and down so she knows it's time to come in). At this point, if the door is not yet opened, my sister Melina body slams the door repeatedly until Mommy says, "All right, all RIGHT, I'm coming!" And then we all run in to eat.

But today, as I heard her fiddling with the dishes, I put a little mind spell on her, because I'm just THAT good. (And also THAT hungry!)

Now we each have separate feeding stations -- Lexie's bowl stand has her dish and the communal water bowl; I also get a double feeder because I'm a Very Important Mal, but Mommy doesn't bother filling the second dish with water because we prefer Lexie's water bowl which is near the sink. Melina gets a single bowl feeder only because she's the youngest.

So after I send out "No more diet....FEEEEEED Kaylee vibes" to Mom, she opens the door and we all run in, and it WORKED! My feeder has TWO bowls and they're BOTH full of food!!!! I immediately start eating from both of them at the same time, because you have to take advantage of the moment, right? So Mommy (who doesn't run in because she's a slowpoke, or maybe because there's no dish for her) comes in, and makes sure Lexie is eating, and then she realizes Melina is pacing frantically because she has NO dish of food.

It takes her a minute to put it all together, during which time I gulp down more food from both bowls, and then Mommy says, "Oh, Melina, I'm so sorry, somehow I gave Kaylee your food. Here you go, sweetie." So she took the second bowl away, but I already ate a lot of it, MUCH more than the amount she tried to short me in my original bowl. So now my belly is full and hopefully the diet curse is broken forever!

I did feel a little bit bad for Melina, who ended up with less food. But this is where the diet curse got passed on...Mommy said, "Oh, Melina, you got less food, I should open another can..." but then she looked at my sister and said, "Well, actually, you've put on a few pounds, too, eating all of Lexie's leftovers, so maybe a little less breakfast isn't a bad thing." Ha! (Okay, so maybe not so good for Melina, but perhaps next time she'll be more sympathetic to my plight when Mommy tries to STARVE ME TO DEATH!!!!).

Lexie, meanwhile, picked at her breakfast and eventually ate most of it, but I still got a few licks in at the end. So as it stands now in the Diet Wars, it's Kaylee 1, Diet 0.

As I always say, don't mess with a hungry maligator!

22/01/2025

This morning at breakfast, I noticed a smidge less food in my bowl. Apparently mommy thought the "diet" starts today. I let her know the also starts today, as I promptly finished my food and then went into the bedroom to steal and consume the better part of a jar of Vaseline. Honestly, she wouldn't have even caught me except that I'm a responsible maligator, surely the most responsible maligator ever to walk the earth, so when I heard Mommy letting my sister Lexie into the yard, I came running out to help. Unfortunately, the half empty jar of Vaseline was still in my mouth, as I couldn't just leave it unsupervised because Melina might have stolen it, and then she would have been a Bad Dog. Can't let that happen, right? After all, it's my job to protect both of my sisters -- Lexie from getting lost in the yard and Melina from getting in trouble by being a bad thieving thief. I am NOT a bad thieving thief, I should mention, but of course you already know that. Clearly in MY case, eating a jar of vaseline wasn't bad, it was a necessity, pure survival, as there was a sixteenth of a cup less food in my bowl this morning. I'm slowly but surely being starved to death, and therefore must scrounge up whatever I can lest I waste away to nothing. Eating Vaseline also ensured that Mommy fed me a big spoon of pumpkin to keep my stomach from getting upset. Double bonus! Clearly Mommy hasn't really thought this through, or she just doesn't know who she's dealing with here. A smidge less food -- ha! Nope, nope, nope, not in MY house! The begins!

19/01/2025

As a maligator blogger extraordinaire, I am firmly anti censorship. It's too easy to twist the things we say, especially when there are cultural differences. For instance, yesterday when I tried to tear out of the house after the Uber Eats guy, he was pretty sure that "bark BARK bark Bark BAAAARKKK!" translated to "You !*&$%! intruder, I'm going to tear your throat out if you don't give me the neighbor's food!" when in reality, it might very well have been a polite request for extra chicken on the chicken sandwich, with just a touch of annoyance that it took so long for the order to come.

Interpreting words (or barks) can be tricky, especially when those of a different culture are doing the interpreting. Even a maltese, who is technically of the same species (but culturally as far apart as a mouse from a lion) might miss nuances and mistake a firm request or rebuke for something more dangerous, like a threat. And humans can't interpret our species very well at all, which is part of why censorship is so dangerous. No one wants to get censored when they're warning off a squirrel, giving a much-needed "what for" to the mailman, or letting the Amazon delivery guy know that if the treats don't arrive on their proper prime day, there will be hell to pay!

Still, as much as I am anti censorship, sometimes you have to draw a line. Today, my Mommy used a BAD word, a word that, well, I'm sorry to say this, but there's no way around it...it was actual HATE SPEECH*. Yes, my beloved Mom used the "D" word on me. I was floored! She actually said..."Kaylee, my sweet, I think you may need to go on a diet." A DIET!! Can you IMAGINE??? My delicate ears have barely recovered from that hateful word!!!

And then, just in case it might have been a misspeak -- like maybe she meant to say, "I think you need to be quiet" (not NICE words, but not actual hate speech), or "Kaylee, I think you need a donut," (definitely more acceptable) -- she took it a step further into actual bullying. When I told her I was fine, thank you very much, and that perhaps this was a misperception on her part due to my super fluffy winter coat, which she couldn't possibly understand since she doesn't have a gorgeous malinois coat like mine, she said, "No, Kay. You definitely need to go on a diet. You've been eating all your sister's leftover food and it shows. No more treats for you. You look like a coffee table."

Hate speech! Fat shaming! Bullying!!! How does she not understand that words WOUND? It's hard to even imagine that in this day and age, someone could say words like that. Call the censorship police! Call Uber Eats! I need donuts to heal my broken heart!!

I even called in the fact checker** (Melina) who agreed that donuts are a good solution to all problems, coffee tables are nice and we should all get treats when we're feeling sad, or hungry, or whenever Mommy passes by a treat bag. But Mommy told her that her weight was fine and she can still have treats later, so she picked up Mommy's Croc boot and left the room. So much for unbiased*** help there!!

I am deeply hurt and disappointed and am now rethinking my stance on everything. If I chew up the coffee table to make a statement, do you think it would help? And if I chewed up Mommy's computer wire to let her know that words have consequences, would this make me pro censorship? But how would I blog without the computer?

P.S. I am not going on a diet. I am, however, going to see if I can find some donuts to heal my damaged psyche.

*This is not a political post. I'm a maligator and don't do politics. Unless anyone is voting on important issues like treat availability, then I'd be like, bring on the petitions! But humans have no sense of what's important, so I focus on my little corner of the world, preferably the corner where the treats are kept!

**I am not for or against fact checkers. I have no opinion on facts unless they are edible. I am in favor of edible facts, or edible anything for that matter.

***"Unbiased" does and should mean "in favor of Kaylee." All things should be in favor of Kaylee because Kaylee is the sweetest, smartest, most adorable maligator ever to walk the earth.

Photo of an emotionally wounded Kaylee dog looking tiny and delicate for tax!

20/12/2024

Kaylee Protection Services are just one of the many benefits I provide for my Mom. Late night post office trips? No problem -- Kaylee is on it!

We were there for a while because Mommy had to buy stamps and finish stamping a whole bunch of cards, but I watched and listened and made a point of looking like the fiercest fierce malinois there ever was, with my super alert ears that were so up, they almost quivered with fierceness! Which was a good thing, because at one point, there was a big loud noise, and then the heat came on! A lesser mal might have been unnerved, but not me -- I just glared at that heat and sent it right back where it came from (since we of the long-coated variety prefer cool air!).

We checked the mail as long as we were there, and I have to admit I was hoping to find some treats in our P.O. Box, but there were just envelopes. Envelopes are good, I guess, as they make Mommy happy, but yummy treats would've been better. Still, when I got home, I got yummy treats for being such a great protector.

Want a friendly, super social, cuddly malinois? I'm it! Want a scary malinois who will protect you from scary noises at the post office at 3 a.m .? I'm that, too! Want a maligator to clean up some extra food that was just cluttering up your fridge? Pick me! Need an environmentally conscious mal who will shred cardboard and cans alike? I can do that, too! I am, like, 47 different malinois in one. Is my Mom lucky to have me or what?

09/12/2024

Am I the most adorable holiday maligator you've ever seen or what? We took Christmas pictures today and Mommy had so many good ones of me, she couldn't even choose. Unlike certain little sisters, I didn't jump on anyone's head (at least not while the camera was rolling!), I didn't knock down or try to lick the camera, and I didn't eat any of the props. And unlike a certain big sister, I didn't wander off or refuse to pose without treats.

Don't get me wrong, I ATE the treats, certainly, because who wouldn't eat treats? Even though they were pumpkin and blueberry, which is not, if I were to be perfectly honest, my favorite. I mean, where's the beef? Mommy didn't even try to bring extra special treats, she just grabbed whatever was around because she feels we shouldn't have to be bribed for photos. I don't view it as a bribe, more a reward for a job well done (or, in Melina's case, a job not done at all). But I digress. I did pose very nicely, and I didn't even say, "show me the treats!" before posing. And I ate the treats, because free treats are free treats, even if they aren't the best best treats. I also made friends with everyone, because I'm just that kind of mal.

After today, I'm pretty sure I'm moving into the favorite spot. I mean, look at me! Who wouldn't love me best??? Mommy is still working on our cards (the hard part is it can't be just ALL pictures of me, even though I'm obviously the cutest!), but for now, I wanted to wish a merry happy to all, and to all a good night!

23/09/2024

Hanging at Canine Camp Getaway with my little sister! I finally got out of the crate and now my job is to play goalie at the pool steps. If Melina wants to get past me, she’ll need to give up the squeaky ball! Do I actually want the squeaky ball? Or do she just want her not to have it? It’s an existential question that will take some introspection…fortunately, we have plenty of yummy camp treats to help me sort it all out! For now, I’m just going to bite my sister’s head a bit and go with it!

30/08/2024

My sister Melina complained that she doesn't have a FB page of her own, and no one gets to see pictures of her. I, being a good sister, agreed to feature her in her very own post. So...this is Melina, the thief! She is pictured here with the toy that she stole from Mommy's camp store box. If she were more clever...like when an alligator mysteriously disappeared from the camp store inventory...there would be no photo evidence. Not that I would know anything about that! But Melina is impulsive, and silly (she's only half a malinois, and half a silly lab, and often, the silly wins out!), and she likes to show off the stuff she steals, apparently unaware that prancing around with stolen stuff in your mouth tends to limit the plausible deniability factor. But she's young, still, and she'll learn. In the meanwhile, she's an easy patsy for when anything goes missing -- treats from the countertop, toys, Mommy's sandwich, etc. She's a great sister -- even if she IS a couch hog -- and tackling her is one of my favorite things. I'm in charge of her, and I raised her, so she's pretty awesome. She also prefers sharks to alligators (did I mention she's very silly?), but this just means MORE alligators for KAYLEE, so it's all good! If you can find yourself a malidor sister, I highly recommend it!

Kaylee Uncrated: The Kaylee Chronicles

06/05/2025

06/04/2025

03/04/2025

01/03/2025

20/02/2025

25/01/2025

22/01/2025

19/01/2025

20/12/2024

09/12/2024

23/09/2024

30/08/2024

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