11/01/2025
For those of you who understand
If I could have one more hug, one more kiss, one more snuggle....I don't think it would ever be enough. 🌙 Everyone has somebody they've lost in their life who was everything to them. If you know us, our everything was our precious Moon Beam. I wrote this many years ago as a way of coping with my grief. It came up in my memories. I wasn't going to share but maybe someone can relate, maybe it can help someone else.
Forever in my heart ❤
I didn't feel right when I woke up. Something was wrong, something felt off. I checked on you as soon as I got up just like I did every day for almost three years. I always touched you to make sure you were still here. You were so sick as a baby and your body was all crooked and well I just never knew when that day would come, especially since it was the first time since you were a baby that you were sick. I rubbed your face like always and you looked at me as I leaned down to give you a kiss on the head. I covered your head back up so you could sleep a little longer.
Once you awoke, I didn't want to leave your side at all that day. It wasn't uncommon for me to hold you for hours every day. But I HAD to hold you that day. I moved my computer to the couch where you laid and I held you while I worked. You weren't breathing right, opening your mouth slightly, not normal. At lunch after I hurried and changed everyone's water outside and gave them a cool snack, then came to take you outside. We sat in our spot under the china berry tree. I kissed you and hugged you like I always did every day in our spot. You preened your feathers and talked to Dottie, Layli and Little Red as they came to visit like they always did.
When I had to go back to work, I laid you next to me with Pickle and rest my hand on your side. Dinnertime came shortly after but I didn't want to leave you. I knew you couldn't go out to visit your friends. I knew you were too weak and it was too hot. I went as fast as I could to feed everyone so I could come back to you. I held you again. You weren't ok, something was wrong. You had been sick for almost a month, but you were doing so much better. You even dust bathed last night. Yet something's wrong. I kept telling myself everything was going to be ok. You're just having an "off" day. You just ate some food, it's ok.
I played you your song. Justin Bieber, What Do You Mean. I sang it to you as you trilled. Awww my baby is happy. I just held you and preened you, gave you kisses and hugs, something I enjoyed doing every day for hours and hours. I just couldn't get enough of your beauty. You made me feel so at peace, calm...completely relaxed. Your energy radiated healing in me. I remember texting a friend telling her you were off today. We discussed a few more things we could try to maybe to help you feel better. Good, we'll try those. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Then I looked down at you and I saw you breathing very very fast. Noooooooooooo nooooooooooo this is not happening. I knew in an instant what was happening. Oh no no no! Starr came in. I told her I think you're dying. No no no this cannot happen. We have to give you something. Anything. But you kept breathing so fast, so incredibly fast. We gave you some medicine and you drank it but you were still breathing so fast. It's going to happen, I knew it was going to happen. I had to hold you. Starr told me you would jerk, make sure I held you tight. No no no I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't feel you die. I gave you to Starr and ran outside sitting down on our chair in our spot.
Oh this can't be, no this can't be. I have to go inside. I have to be with you. I went back inside and Starr was holding you. Your best friend Pickle was there in the middle between you and me. I reached my hand over to touch you. I saw the look in your eyes. A look I will never forget in my life. Your eyes told me it was almost time to go. You were saying goodbye. I picked up Pickle and held her to you. Oh Pickle, I'm so sorry your best friend is leaving. Oh Pickle. I heard Starr say it's coming soon. I moved over the cushion Pickle was laying on and got as close to you as I could. I hugged you and Starr until I felt it.. I felt you take your last breathe. It was over. You were gone. I felt numb. What just happened? No, you're not gone but you were.
My love, my baby is gone. My mind raced. What am I going to do without you? How can I get through a day without you? What about Pickle? Oh my Pickle. I can't, no I can't do this. But you have to. You have to. What just happened?
We laid you next to Pickle as we watched her mourn the loss her best friend. We cried and cried so hard. Our little baby is gone. I couldn't look at your face. I don't want to see it. I was trembling, my stomach felt empty, my heart hurt. It hurt so badly. Mud Pie was inside as she always slept inside. She was your other best friend. We brought her out on the couch with Pickle and gave her the time she needed to mourn her loss. And then Little Red was inside. Little Red, who had lost her best friend just a few months before. She wasn't part of your group but you talked to her every day for years. She liked you. She stayed outside our door as the sun set that night wanting to sleep inside. It was her turn to mourn her friend. I can't take this. This did not just happen. I felt complete blackness.
It's late. I don't even know what time it is. Your friends were outside asleep. We can't wait until morning to let them know their friend was gone. I have to go get them. I went outside to your friends, our group of misfits, trembling as tears streamed down my face. I brought them in one at time... Red, Bella, Niko, Sugar, Lunar, Tamber, Blue, Peggy and Benny. We sat while each of them took their time to mourn. They all tried to wake you up. They all preened your feathers. They all knew their friend was gone too. And then it was Bella's turn. She cried and she cried a cry I've never heard Bella cry. My heart was tearing apart. Your friends were hurting. They loved you so much.
And then it was time...time to kiss your body for the last time. A blanket laid over your head and I leaned forward resting my head on your lifeless body stroking your feathers. My baby. My love. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to hold you forever in my arms. I wanted to see your beautiful face every day when I awoke. But never again.
I picked a place near our spot where we sat together every day. As I dug a hole I felt the tingling of numbness throughout my body. I don't want to do this. I have to do this. We placed your body in the ground and I touched you for one last time before we covered your body in the Earth.
What do I do? I don't know how to do this? I've never hurt so badly in my life. I've experienced death...death of humans and non-humans but not like this, not this painful. My heart literally hurt, my stomach felt so empty, my world felt so dark. I was angry, very angry. Why her? Why was my baby taken away?
I'm not even sure what happened the next six months or so. I know I've never cried so deep and so hard in my life. I remember smelling everything you had touched before you left just to feel close. We lost your best friend Mud Pie a month later, then two weeks later we lost Little Red, then two weeks later we lost your other best friend Pickle and then a week later, our dog. All within two and half months. The world as we knew it was gone.
Every day became a blur. Every day I felt weaker and weaker. Every day my heart hurt more and more. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to be here on Earth without you. But I wasn't taken, you were. I still had a purpose here on Earth. I had others, human and non-human who needed me, who needed my care and my love just like you did. And so I went on, feeling broken into pieces, but I went on. I went on with support...support from Starr and my feathered friends here. They shared their sadness with me. I shared my sadness with them. I went on with support from friends I've made on the internet that have never even met me. They shared their stories, they checked in on me, they let me know I wasn't alone. But I still felt alone. When I sat in our spot, I was alone. I wasn't whole. I wasn't complete. I was empty inside. But I was grateful for those around me, those who did everything they could to make me feel not alone.
It's been over six years since you left and there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think or you or talk about you or talk to you. I still watch videos of you. I still look at your pictures. I still cry, I still feel a part of me is missing. My heart still hurts. I still long to hug you, kiss you, feel your feathers and beak touch my face. Yet there more days now than before that I can watch videos of you and laugh. I can talk about you and not cry. I can gather dinner for your friends that are still here and not cry. But I'm still grieving and I will allow myself to continue to grieve because I'm still not OK with the fact that you're gone.
I have not "gotten over it", I have moved forward...forward without you here, but still forward. I didn't give up. You never gave up. I still allow myself to cry if I need to because I still love you. I allow myself to have days where I don't want to do anything extra because I don't feel good inside. Yet I make sure those days are few and far between because I am still needed. I am still here to live the rest of my life with joy in my heart even if I still feel sadness. I still have those around me who I love very dearly and those who love me. I still need to share your story to help others.
I've read alot about grief and listened to other people's stories, taking note of their coping skills. I understand now that grief comes in waves. I understand that some days I will feel better than others and some days I will feel worse. I didn't understand grief. I don't like it but I understand it. I understand that I have the right to feel broken yet I understand that I can't allow myself to succumb to my weakness. Even those times when I still feel I can't do this without you, I do it because I can, I am able, I am willing and I will never give up.
