20/05/2024
Grief is hard. The reason for grieving seems to make it even harder. Grief is not new to me by any means. I have lost quite a few loved ones over the years for different reasons and grieved the same yet differently.
As the oldest of 6 kids I always felt I was the "second mother" and took it upon myself to look out for my younger siblings, to be there for them, to be strong for them and protect them in anyway that I could, to put them before me, always.
After two brothers I desperately wanted a sister and I prayed so hard for one. I told my mother what I did, and she told me that it doesn't work like that and she didn't plan on having another baby just yet and even if she did have one there was no guarantee it would be a girl. We'll wouldn't you know, a few weeks later she told me she was pregnant! I put my head to her belly and I felt this radiant warmth and I KNEW it was the sister I prayed for, and I told her so. Again, she told me it could still be a boy. Throughout her entire pregnancy I insisted it was my baby sister and she kept telling me not to get my hopes up, but I knew. On the day she went to the hospital to have her I was so excited, I was literally jumping off the walls, the couch and the beds I kept saying my baby sister was coming home soon! And when she did, I told my mom "I TOLD YOU IT WAS MY BABY SISTER"!!! I was happy. She was so cute, so adorable I loved her so much! Sure, my brother's were fun, I got to boss them around and give them haircuts and they thought I was the smartest person in the world, but there is nothing like a baby sister.
We were separated for a time when my mom and siblings moved to another state, and I did everything I could to be reunited with them, by then I was a mom with several kids of my own and not to long after that Rachel joined the mom's club too. And we had a new way to bond, as mothers.
The first loss I experienced was my dad. He was very sick, and while waiting for an organ donation he passed away. We knew he was sick, we knew he could die, we prepared for it in a way I suppose but we still didn't expect it and it still hit us very hard.
My next loss, was that of my first son. I made it halfway through my pregnancy then went into labor unexpectedly. Rachel was with me when I delivered him, and I would not have made it thought that night without her. It was 2 days before Thanksgiving and we buried him the day after Thanksgiving. It was an unexpected devastating heartbreaking loss that I still haven't recovered from.
A year later, Rachel went through something similar. Her water broke halfway through her pregnancy with her first son right before Christmas. And I was with her when she delivered him. I hope I was as much a comfort to her as she was to me. I had a second burial plot from when I buried my son so I let her bury her son next to mine.
After that, we had a stronger bond formed from a shared shared loss, a Grief that only a mother knows. A pain that we each saw in the other. After that there was nothing that was off the table for us. No detail that was TMI, nothing that was to personal or off limits. It was like we were the one and the same. Even when we would get into dumb fights we would still shoot a text with a question and get a reply and then the fight would be over. We could have days of conversations entirely of memes.
Everything about her I loved, even the things that frustrated me. She was vibrant, spirited, always laughing even when she was sad. She was quiet and thoughtful, loved fiercely, sang loudly and danced freely. She was a light that shone bright into the darkness and someone who had NO RIGHT took that away. There are no words for that kind of grief and anger. No words for that kind of pain. You are breathing and drowning at the same time. Every part of you hurts and aches right down to the core of your being, the parts you can touch and those you cannot.
I miss her so much. More then anything I want my sister back.
