23/01/2025
The daily stick saga!
Every day on our Alford walk we have the battle of ‘The Stick’. We walk in a sea of sticks, sticks piled upon sticks and in the first 10 minutes many sticks are picked up by various dogs and presented to the pack, paraded around for assessment by the pack, most are dismissed as inferior sticks, unworthy of the packs attention but then suddenly, ‘The Stick’ is discovered and the chase for ownership is on!! All inferior sticks are dropped and the games begin! Naughty Nash is usually first to claim ownership, snatching the stick of life from the jaws of the finder, he gets flanked either side by slippery Skye and cunning Cora with odious Odin bringing up the rear with Bee the B*****d screaming with excitement running circles round them all (why oh why can’t she play quietly like the rest of them? She’s like a banshee!) but unbeknown to the group crafty Cadey is lurking in the undergrowth biding her time, just as they reach her she shoots out, grabbing the stick next to naughty Nash and the two of them race along, side by side, each holding an end of the stick .. but what’s this? Odious Odin is coming up the middle, with a remarkable burst of speed he takes naughty Nash by surprise and he drops his end and Odious Odin doesn’t miss a heartbeat and grabs the loose end. Now crafty Cadey will share a stick with Naughty Nash as they have been sparing partners for years but this little fluff ball is taking the p**s! She shoots him her best side eye, Odious Odin catches the look and loses confidence causing him to trip and drop his end. Just then Bee the B*****d rushes past with another stick! Crafty Cadey doubts herself for a split second, could Bee in fact have the stick of life?? She stops, drops the stick and in a flash Cunning Cora picks it up and runs for her life, she is triumphant for a nano second before Slippery Skye (who has never really grasped the appeal of the whole Stick of Life thing and just likes to wrestle with her sister) grabs Cunning Cora by the collar and brings her down in a throat hold! The stick goes flying and with it, soaring through the air with lightening speed, goes Bee the B*****d, (she’s shut up at last), catching the stick mid air and takes off zig zagging like a snipers nightmare knowing there ain’t no stopping her now! … oh how wrong she was, Naughty Nash has watched all the cowboy films and barks “follow me guys, we’ll head her off at the pass!” They all race through the forest, Naughty Nash lunges for the stick but Crafty Cadey, never allowing her Buddy, Bee the B*****d, to be bullied on her watch, rams him from the side giving Bee the b******d vital seconds of freedom! Seconds later and Cunning Cora swoops in for the prize, ripping it from Bee the B******ds pathetically soft mouth, she’s looking triumphant but no, the yellow tag team, Slippery Skye, grabs her collar again, flinging her to the ground, never one to miss a trick, Odious Odin seizes the stick of life and runs for his, the whole pack in hot pursuit, eight times round (what we call) the mulberry bush (it’s really a cluster of gorse that they always run around) before Crafty Cadey has the sense to stop and wait for him to run into her, which he duly does (he falls for it every time)! Crafty Cadey holds the stick of life high in her powerful jaws, she is the champion and everyone is too knackered to challenge her! At this point Crafty Cadey will stand at a distance with her treasure until every dog has been put in the van, and no further threat to her mightyness remains, then and only then will she calmly spit the stick of life on the ground and proudly walk back to her own compartment in the van, the undisputed queen of the Stick of Life!
Tomorrow they will all file past today’s stick of life without so much as a sniff or glance. There is a new stick to be found, will it be 3 ft long or 3 inches? Will it have girth or be a we**ie? Hard or rotten? Wet or dry? Who knows? I’ve yet to work out what credentials a stick needs to become “THE STICK OF LIFE!”
