Teagan

07/12/2023

How I miss my sweet girl.

09/04/2023

Sink or swim. Jumbled thoughts. All circling back to one: She’s gone. A week ago yesterday, I had to release her. And now the light has gone from my life. My identity has been so wrapped up in caring for her, being with her, trying to protect her always. To make sure she had a happy fulfilled life, as many dogs in a human society do not. Most of my anxiety nightmares were about something bad happening to her, me trying to save her. Love is worry. I’d wake up in relief and hug her, shot through with happiness that she was still here with me, that it was just a bad dream. There’s no relief this time. She protected me too, from existential despair and depression, just by being herself she gave my life meaning, purpose, and a quiet constant humming joy. She was the center of my world, my thoughts, my heart, even my sight. How I loved to just look at her in wonderment. How can you be so beautiful? She survived so much before she got to me, and after too. Impossible to accept I couldn’t have gotten her through this. Magical thinking to imagine I could. The mind rails against the truth. I know it was right to let her go, to give her peace. But it still hurts so much. This cancer came out of nowhere. Two weeks ago my focus was managing her arthritis and doing everything I could to keep her mobile and comfortable. Making modifications at home (yoga mats and rubber tiles everywhere) and devoting hours to researching treatments, supplements, strollers. And then everything changed and crashed so fast. And I can’t stop trying to find ways to blame myself. I know this is part of grief. Going over and over, what did I do wrong? Nothing. That’s life, and death. She was 15 years old. She had a really good life. I could not have been more devoted to her well-being. And yet. It feels like I’ve been shoved off a cliff into a cold and murderous sea. The weight of this grief pulling me down down. Though swimming may be far off I have to find a way to float. To continue this corny metaphor, gratitude will be my buoy and that’s what I will try to cling to in the days ahead. I just loved her so much.

Thanks everyone for holding Teagan in your thoughts and for the kind words. It helps.

31/03/2023

Please keep sweet Teagan in your thoughts. Just as we were hoping to see improvement from the arthritis injections the worst has happened. A highly aggressive unstoppable cancer. Signs point to the dreaded hemangiosarcoma
which Teagan was falsely diagnosed with in 2019–I was told I might only have days with her—only to find out (after a convoluted journey that took us to a specialty hospital almost 700 miles away) it was something else, which was successfully removed with surgery and never came back. I’ve been so grateful for these extra years with her. I’ve barked up every tree trying to make sure we’re not missing anything, as she’s prevailed through multiple confounding medical conditions over the years. And she is so strong and has survived so much. I know I’m not “giving up” on her, there’s nothing left to do that we haven’t tried, but it’s hard to shut up that voice. I mean, it’s Teagan. My mind keeps shouting how can this be happening?? Even while i know I left no stone unturned in my dogged quest to fix her. She has an amazing team of specialists on her case, all with their eyes on her quality of life, as are mine. All the doors are closing.
Throughout all of this, and my almost 12 years with her, my only concern has been her good quality of life. So now I have to find the strength to do the hardest thing. To put her interests first one last time. My heart is breaking.
It feels like this has happened so quickly. These photos are all from the last two weeks.
If you could please send her love I would be grateful.

05/03/2023

Teagan is the 2nd patient in Oregon to be treated with Synovetin OA joint injections, a newer targeted therapy for elbow arthritis in dogs. It’s not available everywhere since vet hospitals need a special license to administer this treatment (technically called radiosynoviorthesis). It’s a well-established therapy for human arthritis in Europe, but has come to vet medicine in the US only within the last couple years.

Everything went well and she was a great patient as usual ☺️ After prep she was given a warm blanket for a short golf cart ride to another building where she was lightly sedated and then the injections took about 15 minutes.

Teagan’s arthritis is unfortunately very advanced and I’m doing everything I can to support her but there are limited effective treatments. Grateful to have this new option in the toolbox and really hoping it helps her. It can take several weeks to see improvement so now we cross our fingers!

Shout out to the wonderful veterinarian-led advocacy group which is how I learned about this new treatment.

12/01/2023

xmas spirit still strong at last weekend. Teagan right at home under the tree like the perfect precious gift she is 🎄🍻🐾💕

03/01/2023

A quiet new year with my sweet girl 💗 I miss our ritual of going on holiday hikes and other mini adventures—she’s slowed down a lot over the last year and her limited mobility won’t allow that anymore—but we got out for some short walks and I am so grateful she is here with me. Cheers to all the especially my sweet Teagan. Happy new year!🌟

31/12/2022

hello ❤️

26/11/2022

On top of an unexpected cloud 🚙 🐾

26/11/2022

😍

18/10/2022

Weekend outings to some of our favorite spots 🧡

08/10/2022

the cutest 💗

15/08/2022

06/08/2022

🥰❤️💫

22/07/2022

Cutie in her cooling vest and the little portable water bowl I’ve somehow managed to hold onto for 11 years without losing. I got it right after T came to live with me 🥰 It’s been a lot of places!

17/07/2022

I ❤️ this dog so much

09/07/2022

Found a busy corner on July 4 so T could engage in one of her favorite activities: people/dog/car watching 😊 Thankfully there seemed to be fewer neighborhood explosions this year.

01/07/2022

1st week of summer times…it stopped raining! 😊 T has loved being out & about 🐾☀️💕

26/06/2022

s u m m e r 🥳

05/06/2022

How can she be so cute 🥰

23/05/2022

It didn’t rain this weekend! 😊

20/05/2022

We got caught in a thick downpour at the park a few days ago and her scrunched up little face cracked me up…until we ran under a tree ☺️ T is not dramatic about the rain but this was pretty ridiculous.

16/05/2022

Sweet girls! 💗 Teagan’s pal and ‘s baby Louella 🍻🐾

09/05/2022

Back home in rainy Portland now but missing the CA ☀️ Also happy mother’s day to all the caregivers! 💕

08/05/2022

Really great sandwiches at deli …plus one of T’s favorite things: good sidewalk people-watching 😊

01/05/2022

Still the best road trip buddy! ❤️

28/04/2022

24/04/2022

🚙🐾🐾

23/04/2022

Nice to be back in CA!

17/04/2022

Spring! Spring?

30/12/2021

Snow friends ❄️🤗❄️