Sooty's Sanctuary

My days at the shelter consisted of first heading to the “puppy” building. At the back of the property there was a large fenced yard in front of a smaller kennel building. Small dogs, young dogs, nursing mothers, puppies, healing, weak, or elderly dogs were housed there. Pretty much all the canines that weren’t ready for the big dog general population. After that, I went to the cat house, an enclosed building with wall to wall cat kennels. Kittens, rabbits, birds, or any other small exotics were kept there. Next on my list were the big dog kennels. The compound had free roaming dogs throughout with the exception of the puppy section but there was also a very large, mostly outdoor, kennel area for the large majority of dogs. Most of the dogs were allowed to free roam within this area as well. There was always a large portion of feral cats and dogs or at the very least unsocialized and distrustful of humans.

After just a couple months of working there, a lone little female puppy came in. She was almost solid black. Everyone thought she was an ugly puppy, including my Dad. I thought she was beautiful, albeit a little awkward. Her head was too big for her body. Her snout was too long for her face. Her legs were too long for her torso. Her ears were too big for everything else. Her tail was long and skinny, reminiscent of a rat tail. Her coat was dull, dry, dusty, and dirty. And to top it all off she was malnourished, too skinny and runty for her age and breed. But it turned out she was an old soul with an undeniable spirit…and a purpose. They named her Sooty. The story I got from the shelter was that she was a typical “Bahraini” dog. Part desert dog mutt, part german shepherd. Her mature shape reminded me of a Saluki with longer haired German Shepherd coat, very similar to a Groenendael. Apparently, a lot of the country’s residents used German Shepherds/local wild dog mixes as guard dogs and would breed the females and then dump the extra female puppies out in the desert but keep males for work. The result was a familiar type of stray female puppy that was often seen at the shelter. There was always at least one. The sizes, and body types varied a little but they were all medium or larger. The coloring and coat type varied slightly, however, were definite similarities between the young female pups that occasionally found their way to the shelter.

Before I started volunteering, my Dad made me promise I wouldn’t get a dog. We knew I was only going to be in Bahrain for a year and that was the only stipulation he gave me when I asked if I could volunteer. I agreed and had every intention of keeping my promise…but Sooty was different. Aren’t they always?

She was the saddest little puppy I’ve ever seen when she came in. So submissive and dejected she wouldn’t even look anyone in the eyes. So I loved on her and gave her as much attention as I could so she knew she was in a safe place surrounded by good people. No different than I did with any of the other animals but the first day I met her, I couldn’t help but fall in love. I think she knew she had me wrapped around her paw before I knew. I just wanted her to open up or I knew she would never get adopted. Apparently my efforts were not wasted because within a week, not only had she opened up but she also became attached to me, almost literally. Every time I tried to leave the puppy yard, she frantically squeezed through a tiny gap between the gate and the fence. It didn’t even look big enough for a puppy and certainly no other puppy had even tried before. There was panic in her actions as if her life depended on staying with me. Not fully knowing what she faced before and seeing her distressed desperation everytime I tried to walk away, I believe she was convinced of it. When I left for the day, someone had to stay behind and hold her so she could watch me leave or she would escape through the fence as soon as she was let out of her kennel even if I wasn’t on the property. I could hear her cries all the way to the car and was told would be would be despondent until my return. During the day, I had to carry her around the facility, unless I was in the cat house. During those times she played with the kittens and “helped”. She was determined to never leave my side. Although, carrying her around limited some of my duties. For example, I couldn’t help with the livestock or the big dogs. Occasionally if I had to assist with something, she was kept in the office temporarily and was beside herself the entire time. Besides that, we stuck together like glue.

Fully aware that I was breaking a promise, I begged my Dad to adopt her. Initially he said no but caved when he saw how desperately she would escape the puppy yard to get to me. It was apparent to anyone that witnessed it, this puppy had a mission and quite clearly chose me to be her person. I’ve never experienced or seen anything like it before or still to this day. I remember everything about her adoption and the first few days home. I remember sitting in the office doing the paperwork and crying happy tears. I remember not getting upset when she vomited it all over me as we pulled into the driveway. I remember taking her straight to the tub when we got home and bathing her only to end up spending hours picking nearly 80 ticks off an 8lb puppy. In between all the toes and every crevice in her pads were caked with ticks. They were tiny little black things. I still don’t understand how I missed those before her bath but they were the worst I’ve ever seen and hopefully ever will. After I got settled back in the states, we paid over $1000 to fly her to the states and I drove 6 hours to Atlanta, GA to pick her up because that’s as far as they would take International freight.

Over the 15 years we had together, life took me in so many directions, some good, some bad, but Sooty was always with me. When I graduated high school and was going away to college, everyone urged me to rehome her because I had difficulty finding a place that would accept her. By then, she had grown to 60+ lbs and was undeniably at least part Shepherd. But I stood my ground and persevered until I found a place. I knew that she was meant to live out her life with me so if she couldn’t go, I wasn’t either. I was young, naive, unprepared for the next stage in life, and going to college without a plan or even a degree in mind but the only thing I was certain about was Sooty.

The next few years were a roller coaster ride that I never could have expected. I became a mom, got married, and got divorced, all the while trying to also finish college and earn a paycheck. Sometimes it was too much. I suffered from depression and anxiety without anyone listening to me asking for help. My family told me it was all in my head. No one supported the idea of going to a therapist or taking medication. If I did either, I was “crazy”. My weight fluctuated, my health suffered, the suicidal thoughts came and went. Everyone needed me and I just needed someone. That’s where Sooty came in. She was literally the only one that never wanted anything but to be there for me. I lost count of how many times I curled up on the floor with her, my face buried as deep into her fur as I could get. She soaked up the tears, muffled the sound of my sobs, and did nothing but hug me back. We made it through those years together, Sooty was my solace, my anti-depressant. The next few years brought even more challenges, more bad decisions, abusive relationships, and at least 7 moves in less than 2 years. I worked multiple jobs, sometimes putting in more than 100 hours a week just to earn a fresh start. At one point, I had no car, job, or even a place to call home but I still had my dog. I even lost most of my possessions in a fire and Sooty was all I ran out with. At the time, she was the only thing I had worth saving. Sooty was my only constant, she was my rock. She was the only one that didn’t judge, criticize, disapprove, or get angry with me over my mistakes. She was there for me when no one else was and even when someone else was. No one else supported me unconditionally like Sooty and once the others were gone, only Sooty remained.

Sooty was 12 when I noticed her age was showing. I took her for a walk like we usually did but when we made it up the first couple stairs to get to my 2nd floor apartment she collapsed. Her legs simply gave out. The realization hit me. Most of our lives together was focused on supporting me that I missed the point at which hers was showing signs of ending. I carried her up the stairs, tears filling my eyes. I wasn’t ready for this. Things had finally started looking up for us and I still needed her more than anything else. I did the best I could to make sure she was healthy in her older age and we slowed down a bit. The signs kept coming slowly but surely and I knew one day in the near future, we would have to say goodbye. A couple months later, I had knee surgery and I needed help caring for her just for a few days. I had recently reconnected with an old friend from school and after texting back and forth for a couple days, Sooty came up and I mentioned that I was needing help with her. Coincidentally his family owned a boarding kennel. How convenient was that, right?! Only I didn’t have any money to pay for the boarding since I recently lost my job due to the knee injury. He was nice enough to offer to board her for free so the we ended up meeting again for the first time when I checked her in to the kennel. From then on, Vince and I were an item. He cared for me while I healed, his family took us in, and helped me get on my feet all thanks to Sooty. I’m not sure when and if it would’ve happened if it wasn’t for her leading us in that direction. Also, thanks to our new family, I was able to realize my dream of working with animals. I attended grooming school with their help, had an immediate job grooming at the kennel, and eventually was honored with the privilege of taking over the family’s kennel business within a few years.

Sooty remained by my side for nearly 4 more years. She was almost 16. Everyone told me she was lucky and had a long, wonderful life, especially for a big dog, thanks to me. But what no one fully understood, was I was lucky and have a wonderful life thanks to Sooty. She was quite literally my guardian angel, my sanctuary, my saviour, my coping mechanism, my rescue; sometimes even a maternal comfort, a daughter, a sister, a natural nanny when my son was born. She my responsibility, my accountability, my medication, my therapy, my best friend, my soulmate. Even when I felt alone, when my son was with his Dad and/or my parental rights were threatened, when I didn’t have any family or friends to turn to, Sooty was always there with a nose nudge and a hug. I couldn’t leave her alone so thanks to her, I survived. She was anything and everything I needed even when I didn’t know I needed it. Even when I was convinced I didn’t deserve to live, she needed me to.

The day before she passed, she collapsed by my side. Her legs just gave out. By then she was dealing with advanced arthritis and would often plop instead gracefully laying so I saw it but didn’t think twice about it. I gave her a pet and a kiss and left for an errand. After just a few short minutes, Vince called me back home when he realized something was wrong. Her breathing had become erratic and she was fading fast. I rushed her to the vet. They couldn’t tell me exactly what happened but gave her fluids and kept her overnight. By the next morning she was seemed fully recovered! She was the strongest she had been in years with no symptoms of any illness or even arthritis. Even her mind seemed clearer. I took her home thinking I had bought us more time together. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I still had so many years to make up to her. During most of our time together, I was young, selfish, foolish, and naive. Thinking I had all the time in the world, there was always tomorrow but today I was a Senior in high school with school, sports, and friends. Or I was a new mother taking college classes. Or I worked so many hours…there was always an excuse. So many days she gave everything to me and I gave her what I had left. I will spend the rest of eternity regretting that. Love your loved ones, furry or not, while you have them because one day you won’t.

The day she came home from the vet was normal…until the evening came. It was sudden and happening fast. I was lost so all I could do was sit next to her. Eventually, I needed to sleep. I was pregnant with my second son at the time and Vince protested against me laying on the floor with her. In my grief, for some reason, I obeyed. All the times she laid on the floor with me, letting me hold her, the one time she was the one needing to be held, I failed her. I will always regret that too. I hope she still understood how much I loved her. At the time she couldn’t move and was already dead weight. Her pulse was weak and her breathing was shallow but it was still there. I fell asleep on the couch next to her with my hand hanging down so I could at least keep touching her. I woke up about 3am to find her eyes glassed over and breathing nearly stopped. I panicked finally realizing I had been hoping she’d miraculously pull though. Waking up everyone in the house with my screams, I fell to the floor next to her. For some reason, I still didn’t hold her. Sobbing quietly, I kept one hand on her heart and the other petting her head and, as she closed her eyes, felt her slip away with her last few breaths and beats of her heart. I know she held on for me until I was awake and present for her final moments. Even in death, she still put me first and gave me what only she knew I needed. Finally after she was gone, I laid on the floor and hugged like we used to, soaking her fur one last time.

A few days after she passed, I dreamt about her. It was normal day, working at the kennel, time with family, etc. She was by my side everywhere I went, walking with me to work, following me around the house, under my feet when I was sitting, just like she was when she was alive. In my dream everyone could see her but it was also understood she wasn’t alive. Maybe it was just my subconscious relaying the pain I had missing her but I took it to mean her spirit was still with me, looking out for me. A couple months after that I dreamt about her again. In this dream she was herself but also another funny looking puppy, just different than before. In her old body, she looked into my eyes, her irises swirling hypnotically, and in a voice that sounded like an old wise woman, she told me she would return. May be wishful thinking but I wholeheartedly believe we will meet again one day. Until then I’m going to continue the work I started the summer we met. I’m going to make her proud of me. I’m going to make it up to as many of the pets as I can, showing them that they deserve better, like I should’ve done for her the way she did for me. I’m going to rescue others because once she rescued me. The shelter gave her sanctuary, she gave it to me, and now I’m giving it back. Everything she was for me I want that for other people too. She changed my life in a way nothing else could have. That was her purpose and this is mine. As silly as it sounds, I feel like she sometimes sends me pets in need. So this is her sanctuary in her memory and honor…until she finds me again.

Footnote: It was unbelievably hard to write this. It’s been 3 and a half years since Sooty passed. I think about her every single day. The pain of losing her hasn’t subsided and I still cry every time I think too much about her not being here anymore. I never knew I could physically hurt so much over losing a pet. We all know they’re not with us long enough, that’s part of the package but that fact didn’t make it any easier when it was her time like I thought it would. Although, overall she healed me. She taught me what I had to offer, where my strengths were, and how to cope when things got tough. I have a lot pets now, as I’m sure you can imagine, and while none of them can even come close to replacing Sooty, I love them all dearly. They all still give me purpose like Sooty did and my children do. I don’t need medicine or therapy. The animals I’m blessed enough to meet, mine, my customers, or my rescues, all do that for me. They are my purpose. This is my story. That is our reason for existing. Thank you for being a part of it.