25/06/2024
From 2019 to now, I have bottled up so much—so much sadness, worry, fear, and hurt...need I say more? All of it overshadowed the good that came my way, and through my negative feelings, I had drowned myself in work and distractions, losing sight of myself.
I stopped hiking, doing art, and enjoying my work. I died a little (figuratively). I was in the hospital (as I posted about maybe a year or so ago) for the majority of 2022. I missed so much of Brodi's puppyhood, and by the time I came out of the mental fog and depression, I didn't know the dog before me. I felt as though I couldn't handle him and that I was doing him a disservice.
Everything was my fault, and I was confined. Though doing his best, Andy handled the situation in a way that made me feel controlled. It could merely have been my bad mental state twisting the reality of the situation and confusing me. With a clearer mind, I realized he was doing the best he could, not doing things out of malintent.
I am still trying to balance myself. Slowly, starting in the late summer of 2023, I felt renewal after getting out of my environment and resting along the ocean my mom whisked me to. I gained a rejuvenated soul and was ready to tackle some things that fed my depression.
I hope this summer, 2024, I get the same rejuvenated spirit with another ocean visit my mom plans to drag me to. I am far better than I was in 2022 and better than in 2023. I still miss my spirit for art and creating. I miss my joy of training and fire to teach.
