Bittersweet Farm LLC

03/09/2024

Learning an emotional vocabulary while building self-awareness and self-regulation skills can help anyone... child or adult... become better skilled at avoiding an explosion. Working with horses is an excellent way to develop these skills.

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I wanted to share a great post from the above author-
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When kids are there is more than anger under the surface. Once they are , again try to help them they were experiencing. This will help them recognize it the next time and when we can name our feelings we can seek help
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Parents often you are an educators best resource! How do you help your child regulate their feelings?

faster. #

28/08/2024

Introducing Pony Phonics! Does your child need a little help with reading? Let the ponies help. We'll play reading games, learn a bit about ponies, and have a lot of fun at the same time. Cost is $60/hour; the number of sessions is at the client's discretion. Buddy can't wait to make new friends and has been practicing his part of the games.

27/08/2024

From a client:

"...we are grateful for you sharing your beautiful space with us. It may not have looked like a big deal to you, but this is the first time in months my boys were able to do an activity together ... I truly believe animals have a very special effect on humans,"

The hot weather won't last forever. I am scheduling individual and family sessions through the end of fall, but times are filling up. Contact me to see how working with horses can help with family connection and self-regulation.

21/08/2024

I love it when I see others pushing back on the whole idea of respect in regards to horses. As a parent coach, I also am in 100% agreement that respect is best left to human adults. Demanding or requiring respect in relation to child to parent is really just code for obedience with a good attitude. That's really not what respect actually means.

21/08/2024

Fiber Sunday is this week, from 2:00 to 4:30. Come and learn some new skills (carding and combing wool will be the focus) and/or bring your own project. I'm always happy to teach spindle spinning to beginners! Contact me to RSVP or ask questions. $20/family

16/08/2024

Having packages arrive is always fun. Today's delivery brought some new games that I will be using in sibling rivalry sessions as well as Pony-Phonics.

15/08/2024

Expectations

How often do our expectations ruin moments for us? I am convinced that this is one of the things that causes parents to feel frustrated and upset. There are so many things we think we should expect... that children will reach benchmarks at a certain time; that we should be able to do all the things we want to do all the time; that our children will be able to keep up with our schedules; that parenting should be a formula of if I do this, then they do that. And then when you add in all trying to convince others that we are meeting these unspoken expectations, all the while feeling guilty and helpless that our life is a hot mess, well, no wonder people feel defeated and depressed and unhappy. (Please, before you comment, know that I know there are myriad other reasons for people to struggle, but you have to admit that all of this does play a part.)

I realize that I now have very few expectations of myself or my children. The few I do have are pretty much, have I loved them and have I fed them today? Are they still alive? Great! We've all succeeded. Notice clean clothes do not even make a spot on the short list. (I have teen boys, it would be a hopeless task even if I tried.) This is very different from my parenting style and mode of existence earlier on. I had so many expectations of myself and of my children. It was work. It also caused me to be aware of a very low grade anger that continually simmered under the surface of my life, only truly coming out when an appliance would stop working.

So I ask you, what are your shoulds? What expectations do you have of yourself or your children which are getting in the way of really enjoying them in the moment? Why do you have those shoulds? What would happen if they became maybes? Would the world stop spinning? (Truly, that phrase if probably one my children will put on my tombstone, I say it so much.) Pretty much, we're all in the same boat. No one is perfect. Everyone feels as though they fail at things much of the time. Everyone worries how other people perceive them. No one has really escaped junior high and we are still all performing for an imaginary audience who isn't paying any attention to us because they are too worried about their own imaginary audience.

Give yourself and your family a gift. Stop caring about the shoulds. Focus on the moment in front of you right now. You won't have it again. Don't lose it grasping for the future or regretting the past. I tell my clients that we can learn from my horses. They are programmed to be alert to possible predators, but if you watch them, most of the time they are relaxed and happily grazing together. If something is concerning, they will pay attention, deciding if they need to run to safety. Once it has been deemed not a threat, they go back to grazing. They don't stand there worrying about what might have been or what might be, but they are wholly engrossed in the current moment which usually involves eating grass. They are calm and content. They are exquisite examples of being aware of life, but focusing on the moment at hand.

Focus on your moments at hand, don't let them be stolen by unrealistic expectations or worry about previously unmet expectations. Go back to grazing... and enjoying the people in your life and the experiences right in front of you.

14/08/2024

This is vital for children, but also important for adults. We all need to interact with the physical world.

04/08/2024

Athena is fantastic at creating community and support among its practitioners. I was so happy to be able to join virtually for a bit to say hi and talk about my work with children and parents. Someday maybe I'll be able to make it in person.

03/08/2024

This was originally written to homeschoolers, but I think the message of unacknowledged fear in parent child relationships is important regardless of the form of schooling you choose.
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Fear and Anxiety

All too often, adults seem to make the mistake of expecting behavior from children that they would never expect from themselves. Let's list some of them: Always using a pleasant voice; Dropping everything when a parent asks something of them; Sitting still... always; Sharing what they have... always; Doing endless amounts of busy work in the name of education; Keeping up at the pace of the adults around them. If we add in some behaviorist classroom management practice it gets worse. How would an adult like it if their boss had a public clip chart for each employee as to whether they were meeting the boss's standards. It's as if children aren't really though of fully human with all of the same worries and fears and physical limitations that adults have.

So a child is having a hard day and doesn't want to do any school. I can tell you from experience that getting upset at them, drawing a line in the sand, probably won't help. Sure, you may get that worksheet done with this method, but at what cost? Was that worksheet worth the hit your relationship took getting it done? Was the worksheet really that important? I can't think of any single school assignment that is so valuable that it is worth harming your relationship with your child over.

Instead, stop and ask some questions. Is your child tired? Hungry? Are there family difficulties at the moment? Is there something exciting or nervous making coming up that is distracting? Does your child really understand the material or should you go back and do some review? Is all your learning done with paper and pencil? Is that helpful to your child or do you need to change it up? Is the writing getting in the way of your child showing what they know? Could they dictate their answer to you instead? How long is your child asked to sit at a table or desk? Do they need a movement break? Could your child do their work standing up or sitting on the floor or in a tree? Do you really need to answer all the questions in the textbook? (I'll tell you the answer for that one, no, no you don't.)

There are also some other things to consider. Children who are fearful will find it difficult to learn or to cooperate. Every time they are asked to answer something it becomes a small crisis because of the worry of getting something wrong. It is far better in their view to not answer at all than to take the risk of error. Parents can inadvertently contribute to these feelings. Parents are not without their own sets of fears, especially new(er) homeschoolers. There is the fear you will ruin your child. The fear of not doing things correctly. The fear that your overbearing aunt or know-it-all sister will be right and that you aren't smart enough to teach your child. The fear that your child will never become a functioning adult and will instead become a troglodyte in your basement forever and ever. Most of the time parents aren't even really aware of the baggage they bring to the table. Then, when the child balks at doing a page of addition or doesn't want to answer the worksheet questions about state capitals or yawns and rolls their eyes during your carefully prepared science experiment, adult alarm bells begin to sound. ***WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! FAILURE IMMINENT! DOOMED FUTURE SECURED! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!*** Or something like that. Before the parent realizes it, that addition page or worksheet or science experiment is the single most important thing that their child will ever do and their future hangs on its completion. Do you think a child doesn't pick up on that parental fear and anxiety? Fear and anxiety are contagious. And if someone is that fearful and concerned about your performance, then maybe there is something to be concerned about. The child's alarm bells start to go off. ***WARNING! WARNING! WARNING FAILURE IMMINENT! PARENTAL DISAPPOINTMENT INCOMING! RELATIONSHIP STATUS PRECARIOUS! AVOID WORK AT ALL COSTS! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!*** Or something like that. If a parent and child do not have a strong relational base, then a child could easily fear loss of parental affection as a result of making mistakes. It is really best not to try. Far better to get in trouble for not doing something than prove that all those parental fears actually have some basis.

My point in all of this? If learning is your goal then punishment really doesn't have a place. Take the broader view. One day, one week, heck even one year are not going to make or break a functioning adulthood. Instead, during those hard days, find some compassion both for yourself and your child. Take a break if you need to. (I feel as though I've been writing that a lot recently.) Do something different. Read a book together. Make some cookies. Go on a walk. Curl up and watch a movie together. Use my fool proof line for dealing with balky behavior, "Gee, this seems really hard for you right now, can I help?" or the school version, "Gee, this seems really hard for you right now. Let's take a break, have a snack, and read a book, then come back and look at it again together." I can sum this mindset up in three steps.

1. Connect -- Meet your child where they are at that moment. Make them and your relationship with them the single most important thing in the world right then. Because it is.

2. Question -- See if you can find out what is really going on. Often these questions will just be asked inside your head while your child has their snack, but figuring out the why behind a behavior is crucial.

3. Support -- With your new information decide if the initial activity is really that important. If it is, figure out how you can support you child to be successful. Have the child dictate while you write. Use manipulatives in math. Come up with different ways to explain the concept.

Don't die on a hill that wasn't even supposed to be part of the battle. Actually, don't have a battle at all, it's not necessary. Battles don't build relationships and without relationships, there really isn't learning.

02/08/2024

I never get tired of the view from the backdoor of the barn.

01/08/2024

Sometimes I have a helper join me when I'm cleaning the barn. And by helper I mean a small creature who waddles around and quacks at me.

25/07/2024

Stuck

I find a lot of parents are stuck. I've come across several instances of various examples recently, and while they are each very different, at root is the fact that most people have a very fixed idea about what parenting and raising children should look like and people's abilities to meet that idea. It often means that how parents relate to their children is also extremely rule bound.

The trouble with this is that relationships don't follow rules, even the best of them. People are unique and thus the relationships they enter into are also unique. Yet, how many times have you heard about "rules for marriages" or "rules for parenting"? Then you add in social media... seeing photographs of other people's trips or celebrations or homes or photos of happy, smiling children, etc. etc. ... and on top of the rules there is this perceived standard that everyone must live up to. And because of how these things actually work, it always seems as though everyone else is living up to those imagined standards instead of merely holding on for dear life as we each feel as though we are doing.

All of this is cause for rigidity. If there are certain rules or standards, then it is going to take work to meet those things. All this effort does not allow for mistakes and if mistakes are made, then we must do our best not to let anyone see them. Because if we are silently judging everyone as to how well they are meeting those imaginary rules and standards, then we assume everyone else is doing the same to us. Sometimes it's not so silent... on either hand. It is an exhausting hamster wheel and makes no one happy regardless of how beautiful ones Instagram page is.

Rigidity as to how life should work can take many forms...

1. Busyness

The first imaginary rule seems to be to not neglect our children's social-emotional well-being by not enrolling them in every sport and class and experience available. That is what "good" parents do for their children. It becomes even more tricky when the children do enjoy all the activities. Or at least they seem to enjoy them, except when they are so stressed and tired that oppositional behavior begins to raise its head. Then, because all those sports and classes and experiences are so good and beneficial, they do not even come into the equation when looking at behavior. Instead, we see a proliferation of ODD diagnoses.

This busyness also takes a toll on the parents as they do not have time to do the things at home which are necessary to maintain the basics of life. It means the parents do not have time to refresh themselves, for them to learn a new skill or practice a hobby. That is perceived as selfish. So we bypass nurturing ourselves and also miss the chance to model for our children how to make wise decisions about time, how to pursue personal interests as an adult, how to set limits.

It is okay to say no to outside activities, sports and lessons. It does not make you a neglectful parent. Instead, it gives you and your children some margin and breathing room. This is true regardless of how many classes and sports your neighbor down the street signs her children up for. Life is not a competition.

2. Expectations

Raising children is messy. Sure there are plenty of wonderful moments, but there are also plenty of not wonderful moments. The trick is to realize this and not see it as one or the other but everything all together. It is just life and life is messy. Yet, there is this unspoken expectation that if parents do everything 'right' then their children and their life with their children will not be messy. I've written before about perceived unspoken rules and the damage they do, creating unrealistic expectations is merely the beginning.

Because if you have rules that equal good parenting and good children then you cannot avoid the converse which is bad outcomes must be a result of parents not following those rules. It can be bizarrely comforting to see someone who is struggling and think to yourself that they, in some way, caused their own struggles because then you don't need to worry about the same thing happening to you. It is actually a form of magical thinking because life doesn't work that way. Rain falls on everyone regardless of how they are living.

The dangerous part of this is that it decreases our compassion for other people. If they somehow deserved it, then their struggles are a judgement and we should just stay out of it. Instead of coming alongside because it could happen to anyone, we sit in judgment debating where the parents went wrong. We do this all the while knowing that if we were honest, it could just as well be ourselves that we were taking apart.

3. Hopelessness

If there are rules and certain expectations, then either you have what it takes to live up to them or you don't. That's it, end of story. And since you have been trying so terribly hard and still not succeeding, then you must be the latter. The best you can do is put up a good show so that no one notices and hope they don't find out. You just weren't given the full amount of patience that everyone else seems to have. Your children weren't given the 'good child' genes. You aren't good at... playing, reading, cooking, sports, cleaning, multi-tasking, etc., etc. We come up with all sorts of excuses why we aren't meeting the perceived standard and we stop trying because it's just how we are. Once again, we are back to pretending that things are better than they are.

Instead of seeing challenges and realizing that they can be overcome, with some work and probably a change or mindset or perspective, we see those challenges as unchangeable and beyond our capabilities. You can develop patience. You can learn to do new skills. You can become flexible enough so that ways of interacting with children, spouses, or friends become more positive and fulfilling. It might mean giving up on old ways of thinking. It might take being vulnerable. It might mean enlisting the aid of another person, but nothing is fixed. If you don't like how something is, it doesn't have to stay that way.

How much better it would be if everyone just assumed that everyone else was doing the best they could at that moment. Whether it was our children, a store employee, another parent at the park, if we assumed people were trying, but at that moment their margin was thin, it would allow us to come alongside them and offer a hand, to think the best of them. Then, when we were struggling at some other point, we could be open about it because we would know that others would be there to support us. We would all understand that no one is perfect, there is no rule book, everyone is human and we are all doing our best. Think how kind the world could become. Instead of fearing that the struggling carried some sort of contagion that we wanted to avoid, we would know that life is messy and hard times happen to all of us. Parenting... and life... is not a race, it is not a competition. There are no prizes at the end. It is gloriously beautiful and painful all at the same time and it is our fellow travelers who make all the difference.

(Just FYI, the pony in the picture isn't stuck, just trying really hard to reach the grass )

21/07/2024

The monthly fiber workshop is next week on Sunday, July 28. Along with general fiber projects, we'll be looking at preparing clean fleece for spinning. I'll have wool combs, hand cards, and drum carder out, plus plenty of fiber to play with. General information is below.

It's not always horses around here. If you're curious about fiber-y stuff... weaving, spinning, fiber prep, fleece washing, knitting... I am holding once a month Fiber Workshops at the farm. It will be time to learn something new, get help with a current project, and meet other fiber loving people. They will be 2-1/2 hours from 2:00 to 4:30. It is for adults or young people with a parent. Cost is $20/family. Come to as many as you can, but just RSVP first so I know who is coming. The dates are:
June 30
July 28
August 25
September 29
October 27
January 27, 05
February 23
March 30
April 27
Please send me a message if you have any questions.

16/07/2024

There's still time to register!

14/07/2024

Attunement

I'm sure nearly all of us have come across helpful little bit of information along the lines of, "There are only 940 weeks from the time a child is born until they turn 18. Make the most of them!" Or, "They're only little once." One of my favorites is the poem:

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

(This is actually the last stanza to a longer poem entitled, "Song for a Fifth Child" by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton. The entire thing is quite charming.)

There is a lot of wisdom to these little bits of advice. Childhood is relatively short (well, except when the baby has screamed for hours and it's 2 a.m., or when the three year old absolutely refuses to put on his shoes, then it seems like eternity would be shorter.) We should pay attention to our children and enjoy them.

The trouble is, we tend to be an all or nothing people. If we espouse one thing, then there is no room for anything else. For mothers, this becomes a little troublesome and guilt producing. Yes, babies need a lot of attention and are only small for a short time. Does this mean holding and caring for the baby is the only thing a mother can and should do? Heavens no! A mother can still be loving and attentive, and do non-baby related things. (And this is from someone who really loves to hold babies.) Too much interaction and not enough rest and sleep makes for a cranky baby, too. A mother who never does anything but care for her child can feel as though she has lost herself, as though she has ceased to exist as anything but someone who cares for others.

Babies do take a lot of time and work. It's just how life is. But as I've mentioned several times already, babies grow, and as a child grows, the need for constant care diminishes. In fact, part of growing is the slow tipping of the balance between the parent providing for the child to the grown child providing for him or herself. The process of growing up is really the process of learning to be an adult. In order for this process to happen, the parent does need to start letting go.

Instead of seeing childhood as solely a time of life that the parent is responsible for making as idyllic and magical as possible, we would do better to see it as a preparation for life. (Believing that we are responsible for creating as magical a childhood as possible is a direct path to a severe case of mom guilt combined with such pressure to perform that I guarantee you won't enjoy a minute of the supposedly magical childhood you are creating.) Sure playing and wonder and protection and love and security should be a part of every child's growing up, it doesn't mean that it is the parent's sole responsibility to spend every waking moment catering to this ideal. Learning competence, independence, self-knowledge, self-control, and empathy are just as important as the carefree wonder part.

It's not bad for a child to see a parent engaged in things the adult enjoys. It is not bad to see (and then learn to participate in) the work which goes into running a house. It is not bad to have to wait for things. It is not bad to be bored, and have the experience of learning to entertain oneself. It is not bad to understand that ones whims are not the center of the universe.

The key here is attunement. Attunement describes how in line one person is with another person's needs and moods. A mother who is attuned to her baby knows her baby's moods and cries. She can tell the cry that means hunger from the cry which means tired. Attunement doesn't end with infancy, though. A parent who is attuned to their child knows if the child needs the parent to drop everything right now to provide comforting, or if this is something that the child can work out on their own, given space and time. An attuned parent can sense if the child is feeling neglected or if the child is secure in their relationship. Without enough time and understanding, though, this attunement can be lost.

And maybe that is what is at issue here. Has our society somehow lost the idea of the importance of attunement? Do we spend so much time apart that parents and children no longer have a deep and abiding sense of each other? Or do we have such an agenda about what we perceive childhood should be that we have lost the ability to discern what our child actually needs? Without this sense of the emotional mood of ones child, it would be very difficult to know whether it is okay to go ahead and get some vacuuming done because you are afraid of man-eating dust bunnies, or if your child really needs you to sit down and share a story together, and ignore the dust bunnies one more day.

There have been times when I feel as though I have lost my sense of attunement to my children. They are inevitably when a life change needing my near constant focus has taken over my life. My children still get fed and clothed, but sometimes that's about all that happens. New babies, difficult pregnancies, deaths, adoptions, and moves are all things that have caused me to feel disconnected. I can remember with each of these things, after some distance from the event, feeling as though I had woken up suddenly, and there are all my feral children who need more than a mom somewhat blindly stumbling through life. It takes a while and it takes some effort to strengthen those relationships again so we are all understanding each other.

Yes, enjoy your children! Spend time with them. Do nice things for them. But feel free to do other things as well. Clean your house (unless you just really don't care... that's your decision), read a book, go for a walk. Find things that you enjoy and do them. Spend time with your friends. This is important, too. In fact, it is a great lesson for your child in how to be an adult.

08/07/2024

“There is comfort in holding onto stress. Worrying about what can go wrong feels like you are doing something to protect yourself. This is an illusion. Do not confuse worrying with problem solving. A healthier strategy is to develop a plan to address the stressor at hand.”

~ Dimitrios Tsatiris MD

Image by Danijela Isakov, licensed Shutterstock.

06/07/2024

I find it useful to have essentially a triage list in my head for dealing with upset between children. It helps me to remember the order of importance when dealing with multiple upset children at a time.

1. Comfort the wounded. In real time this means I don't worry about the perpetrator, but help the child who was hurt, stolen from, scared, etc.

2. Replace anything broken or stolen by another sibling as quickly as is possible. Children's things are important to them, by ensuring their safety I can communicate a sense of safety to my children.

3. Don't ask questions that will push someone to feel unsafe and therefore lie.

4. Don't do any actions beyond these three until I have managed my own emotions and can think clearly and calmly. Not every event needs to be dealt with in the moment other than comforting and making sure everyone is safe.

5. Be respectful of my children. If they have an opinion about doing something that is not safety related, I'm not going to force them. Sure we'll have many conversations if it is worth pursuing, but gone are my days of knee jerk obedience because I said so.

Parenting is a practice. We all start with zero skills and have to figure it out as we go. Sometimes we had great role models and the process of learning is relatively easy, sometimes we didn't and have to both figure out how to make sense of our past and how to move forward. And sometimes we have a child that causes us to rethink and reinvent what we already thought we knew. Every interaction is a chance to test what we know. How did it go? How did I feel about it? How safe and connected did my children feel? Do I need to apologize for anything? Is there something I could have done better? Not everything will go well. But that is not failure, it's a chance to learn more and gives us more information as to how we can do better next time.

24/06/2024

There's still room in the Equine Education classes that begin this weekend!

Equine Education Throughout the year I teach several classes on Equine Education. Level 1 is for students who are new to these classes, Level 2 is for returning students who have completed Level 1 and would like to do more. These are UNMOUNTED classes. Class descriptions and registration can be foun...

22/06/2024

A Java story..

Last night when J. went to do night check on the horses, he noticed that Java was walking oddly. When he went to see what was up, he saw that her left eye was swollen shut and weeping. Not good. (After the winter of the barely surviving pony, I'm a little gun-shy of late night phone calls from the barn.) It didn't look good so I called the emergency vet number. We left it that I would give her some Bute and the vet would come out first thing in the morning. Java was walking oddly because her left eye is the one that has some sight left in, so with the swelling she was functionally blind. I wasn't panicking yet because Emmy had a similar looking eye thing last fall that looked terrifying, but was actually a superficial injury.

This morning Java's eye was still swollen, but she was moving around better and I vaguely wondered if she had been stung on the eyelid. The vet arrived and after an examination, there appears to be nothing wrong with the eyeball and the vet is assuming an insect sting as well. Especially since this would be the third horse this week that she has treated for the same thing.

To be able to really examine the eye, Java got quite a bit of sedative. So because I now had a blind and drunk horse, we put her into a stall with the door shut to sleep it off. An hour later I go out to check. There was no horse in the stall I left her in and the door was latched. (Picture on left) But Java was in the stall next door. (Picture on right.)

My first incoherent thought was that she had jumped the door, but was baffled as to how that was possible. Turn reason started to kick in. Emmy can work the door latches, but she's only let herself out, not someone else. I guess I can add that her repertoire now. Since it's a bit breezy, I'm sure the door swing shut and latched of its own accord.

Horses. Who must all think to themselves, "It's the weekend, I wonder how I can injure myself this time."