04/06/2026
Yes, of course we should ask the dog! Except when we shouldn’t...
I was at the airport the other day and there was a gorgous "therapy" dog there. The man had his leash wrapped tightly around his hand and he went around from person to person, physically positioning the dog while hands groped his body. The dog looked as though he had completely shut down.
He came over to me and I simply smiled, had a short conversation, and kept my hands to myself. There was clearly no reason for me to even ask this dog.
When it comes to touching a dog, especially for "petting" purposes, I almost always prefer to let the dog ask me, rather than the other way around. This is especially true if they are unfamiliar to me, eating, chewing, sniffing, exploring, resting, sleeping, watching something interesting, or already engaged in another activity.
Asking is important, but asking is not always neutral. Sometimes the question itself creates social pressure. It asks the dog to respond to us, manage our proximity, and make a choice in a moment when they may have preferred not to be included in the interaction at all. That is why “ask the dog” should not mean interrupting whatever they are doing to offer touch.
Sometimes the more respectful question is the one we don't ask. Their body is not an open invitation just because they are nearby.
So, first: Don’t ask. Wait!
Notice what the dog is already doing. Notice whether they are awake, relaxed, and available for interaction. Notice whether they are choosing to come closer, stay nearby, orient toward you, soften, nudge, lean, or re-engage.
When there is some indication that the dog may be asking us, or is at least fully awake and engaged with us, then yes, ask before assuming. When we do ask, it needs to be an actual question, not a polite announcement before we do what we wanted to do anyway. We can ask by inviting them into our space. By turning slightly sideways instead of looming. Soft eye contact without staring. By inviting interaction without closing the distance.
The most important part is whether “no” was easy, safe, and respected.
A dog who turns away, ducks, freezes, licks their lips, goes still, moves off, exposes their belly, or simply does not re-engage has answered.
But better yet, LET THEM ASK YOU!
Dogs ask us in quiet and not so quiet ways. They come closer, sometimes guns blazing with tail wagging widely and a loose, wriggly body. They choose to stay. They make soft eye contact in conjunction with these other asks. They press into us. They nudge a hand. They lean a shoulder or hip against us. They paw our hand, they rest a chin on us give us a soft look. They return after we stop. They make the interaction mutual.
And even then, it is still a conversation, not a contract!
The dog who wanted touch thirty seconds ago may be done now. The dog who leaned in for a chest scratch may not want a hand over their head. The dog who enjoys affection on the sofa may not want it while chewing a bone.
So yes, ask the dog and never assume! But first, ask whether this is even a moment in which the dog should have to negotiate an answer.
