Half-Healed Horsewoman

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Half-Healed Horsewoman Still here, still horse'n. Finding my way through trauma, head injury, and chronic illness with the help of my horses.

Super proud of my Ferdi today. Not for breaking through the tape and having an illicit feast on WAY too much grass, resu...
02/09/2024

Super proud of my Ferdi today. Not for breaking through the tape and having an illicit feast on WAY too much grass, resulting in hot feet 🤦🏽‍♀️

But because in order to ice his feet, I had to ask much harder questions than normal, and have him sustain the big ask of- can you stand with four feet in the footbath full of ice and water?

For a little pony who struggles with even the simplest of questions, he tried so hard today. I'm so impressed that he managed to put two feet in, let alone four feet for 20 whole minutes. He even managed to stay there for 5min after I took his halter off.

He's now on zero grass, soaked hay and regular foot icing: cross your fingers this doesn't develop into full blown laminitis.

Tomorrow I have to have a colonoscopy and I'm not looking forward to it. My tummy has never been great, but it's been pa...
28/08/2024

Tomorrow I have to have a colonoscopy and I'm not looking forward to it. My tummy has never been great, but it's been particularly bad since I started EMDR this year.

There's a decent chance that this is a mind/body symptom- one of the 'perks' of Complex-PTSD is that your body thinks you're still experienced the traumatic event. This means my autonomic nervous system is shot: no rest or digest for me. And the EMDR means I'm deliberately poking into the biggest and nastiest of my wounds on a weekly basis. Stirring everything up is really intense.

In preparation for the procedure I've had to be on a low fibre diet for a week, but now I'm fasting and taking laxatives- super fun.

You might think, low fibre diet, no major. But one of the ways I (try) to keep my chronic illness under control is through diet. My digestive system is super sensitive, and any change usually results in it having a tantrum. So along with an uptick in migraines and fatigue, I'm also dealing with nausea, bloating, dizziness, brain fog, tremors and joint pain.

And now I get to s**t myself for 24hrs. I'm seriously considering setting myself up on the floor of the bathroom because I'm already shaking with fatigue and I'm worried I won't have the energy to go far.

As a sexual assault survivor whose drink was spiked, I'm as triggered by the fact that I need to be sedated by IV as I am by the actual procedure. I've been working hard on my needle phobia but having an IV cannula inserted is still going to be really hard too.

There are two points to all this oversharing: a reminder that we go through the same stuff differently. That it's okay that I'm finding this 'standard' procedure more difficult than other people might.

And a note to myself, that by this time tomorrow it will all be over, and I'll hopefully have some answers.

This, like all things, is only temporary.

Thank gawd for my new beanie from DL Equine Nutrition, the weather has turned feral again but at least my ears are warm!...
27/08/2024

Thank gawd for my new beanie from DL Equine Nutrition, the weather has turned feral again but at least my ears are warm!

I'm lucky enough to be sponsored by Dale, she makes sure my horses are getting exactly what they need. I nearly lost Shiloh to an unexplained tummy thing in 2016, and he's been sensitive and fussy since then. Now I think he's looking the best he's ever looked, and he licks his bowl clean! It's been great having her adjust Lynx's diet to suit the level of activity (and how much he's growing) as well. And when Ferdie was recently diagnosed with asthma, Dale jumped straight into my inbox with advice and a new diet for him. Thank you so much Dale, I'm the boys and I are really grateful you're on our team!!

Went down to Wild Thyme Horsemanship this weekend- it was so good to see my baby. So, so good, god I miss him. If you di...
25/08/2024

Went down to Wild Thyme Horsemanship this weekend- it was so good to see my baby. So, so good, god I miss him. If you didn't know Lynx, if you didn't understand horsemanship, it wouldn't look like much is happening in his sessions. But he's trying so hard. You can see his brain churning, you can almost see him creating new neural pathways.

I love how Ellie is totally committed to figuring out what he needs. Her ability to give him processing time is really inspiring. I haven't seen Lynx yawn so much in his life!

I felt a bit off-balance when I first arrived, because he didn't seem to care if I was there or not. But after spending time with him, I think he's just totally immersed in his learning experience.

And we managed to lie in the paddock together and get some really good sunny snooze snugs in. I'm so proud of him.

Thank you for looking after my spicy baby Ellie! And thank you to Pip for being the best road trip buddy ever!

I didn't ride again until I was eighteen. Thoroughly sick of living in a city, I decided to buy myself a horse trek- I d...
22/08/2024

I didn't ride again until I was eighteen.

Thoroughly sick of living in a city, I decided to buy myself a horse trek- I didn't care that I'd feel horrible, I ached to be in the country.

And I didn't get sick. I was blown away- I'd finally grown out of my allergy! That evening Roger called to ask if I might be interested in a summer job. I fell over myself to take up his offer.

Mackenzie's was the venue of the next phase of my formative riding. I'd missed out on the 'normal' riding milestones of horse crazy kids. I'd never been to pony club or had formal lessons, but at Mackenzie's I was lucky enough to ride all kinds of horses. I was small enough to ride the little ponies, and keen enough to jump on the 17hh off-track thoroughbreds. I rode everything: standardbreds, bush ponies, sharp, quirky ponies, slow ponies, and creaky, grumpy old ponies. I loved them all.

And then I was lucky enough to ride Shinuke: a seriously opinionated leopard spot mare. She was fast, impatient and she'd only listen to you if you'd earned it. She was also a head-flicker, and could be very strong, jig-jogging and dancing about if she wasn't at the front.

When I first got on she started to flick and dance, wanting to go. The more I held her in, the worse she got. So I turned her in a circle, relaxed, and gave her her head. She didn’t take off. With nothing to fight against, she stopped fighting.

That was my first lesson.

In pressure and release, but more importantly, in trust.

Over the next few years that mare taught me more than I could have ever dreamed. We spent our workdays riding ba****ck on the buckle. We were so in tune the head-flick all but disappeared. If I became unbalanced, she'd step back underneath me. I even got the chance to take her to a local ribbon day, where despite the fact I had no idea what I was doing, she did brilliantly, winning several classes.

Shinuke is the reason I'm still horsen. And the reason I love the appaloosa. She was phenomenal.

Even though horses made me so sick I still couldn't stay away from them. I'd leap at any chance to ride. I'd go to sleep...
21/08/2024

Even though horses made me so sick I still couldn't stay away from them. I'd leap at any chance to ride. I'd go to sleepovers, sometimes more excited for horse time than to see my friends. I was so jealous of them. They were so lucky to be able to have ponies of their own- and not get sick!

I was about twelve when a friend of Mum's offered me the ride on the little pony she got as a friend for her TB (who was now so attached she couldn't ride away from her). After a few months of taking huge doses of antihistamines (with limited success) so I could ride Beauty around farm with her, she got so frustrated that she couldn't ride on her own that she asked if we could take the pony to our place for a few months- I was stoked!

Beauty was a 4yo welsh-adjacent filly who used to put me on my arse regularly. I'm not sure whether she was actually broken in- if she was she was still extremely green- and sassy to boot! When she discovered I could sit her bucks, she perfected the head-down corkscrew manoeuvre to keep me humble.

The very first ribbon day I ever did, I fell off four times: once when she saw her reflection in the windows when I rode around to show Mum how nice we looked, once when a dog rushed us down the farm race the farmer had been kind enough to let us cut through to get to the showgrounds (the gravel rash was unreal), and once when she stopped at quite possibly the first jump she'd ever seen. (I forget the other one, but I do know that some kind soul put a makeshift grass rein on her, so she probably bucked me off going around the ring too.)

Now I look at the handful of photos I have and I wish I'd known about saddle fit because that was a definite contributor to our disagreements- oof look how much it's ridden up over her poor shoulders!

Her return home followed closely by having to move into town due to my parent's separation spelled the end of my childhood riding. It was too painful to watch my friends living my dreams, so I distanced myself. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd never have my own horse, and probably wouldn't ride again.

I'm still here though. And I'm still horsen.

Finally I was nine. A little grey welshie named Zodiac stayed with us for a few weeks, then finally, finally, my first h...
21/08/2024

Finally I was nine. A little grey welshie named Zodiac stayed with us for a few weeks, then finally, finally, my first horse: a 13.2hh lease pony named Chucka. A 25yo retired grand prix jumper, he was totally kid-safe apart from one thing- he hated guns.

I loved that horse. I didn't need to tie him up, he loved being fussed over. I was so tiny I had to use a bucket and climb aboard so that I could reach to brush his mane. One time he stepped back and kicked the bucket with his foot. He bolted sideways up the paddock... then he realised I was on board. Even though he was so afraid he was shaking he stopped so I could slide off.

He was a bit sad and skinny when he arrived so Mum started feeding him up. Clearly bored with teaching me to ride, Chucka didn't use his new found energy against me, he just began jumping out of his paddock and taking himself on adventures while I was at school.

One morning Mum got a call at work from the local meatworks to ask if we owned a little great pony. Chucka had jumped out of his paddock and cruised 5-10km down the road before jumping INTO the knacker's yard with the horses due for slaughter. We didn't have a float so poor Mum had to walk him the whole way home.

Unfortunately for me the constant exposure to a horse was terrible for my health. I couldn't even take him a feed bucket without debilitating symptoms. With an impending surgery, the decision was made and Chucka went back to his owners. It broke my heart. I always wondered what happened to him.

More than anything else in the world, I always wanted a pony. My parents were pretty sure horses would be the death of m...
21/08/2024

More than anything else in the world, I always wanted a pony.

My parents were pretty sure horses would be the death of me, so they weren't overly encouraging. In fairness to them I was a small sickly little thing: but being a severe asthmatic and viciously allergic to anything with fur was no deterrent- and neither was not having a horsey family. Allergic reactions so bad I couldn't see because my face was so swollen, constantly landing in urgent care with severe asthma attacks, and being covered in hives and producing my body weight in mucous just seemed a small price to pay to have horses in my life.

Hoping I'd forget or outgrow being horse crazy, my Dad stopped the incessant requests for a pony of my own by telling me that once I turned nine I could have a pony. Jokes on him- the countdown was on with a vengeance.

My clearest early childhood memories are of horses: getting to sit on the Knight's huge clompety horse behind the KFC in Orewa, pony rides on Blossom at the Teddy Bear's picnic, birthday presents of riding Ginger at Parkiri Treks and Lenora at Horse Riding Warkworth.

Cajoling our neighbour to let me tag along on her naughty old shetland when she was riding her bigger pony Silver (that little mare rubbed me against so many trees, and barbed wire/electric fences)! Feeling like the luckiest kid in the world when I got to ride Silver myself. I had my first ever canter on him when he bolted up the hill toward home. I know I was terrified but I was so proud I didn't fall off!

08/08/2024

I'm trying to work out if I'm just late to the party or if this is actually as revolutionary as I think it is!

My lil rescue pony Ferdi has been prescribed presnisolone for his newly diagnosed asthma. I thought I'd have trouble getting the pills into him because he's not big on treats. But it turns out he actually DOES love one specific thing....

BREAD. Specifically, a plum jam sandwich. He views carrots, apples and other handfed treats with deep suspicion, so I wasn't hopefully that this would work, but he freaking LOVES a jam sandwich! My mind is totally blown.

The friend who bestowed this life changing knowledge upon me used to spend quite a lot of time rounding up loose horses from low-income areas, and she reckons that horses with less- than-ideal pasts might not know what carrots, apples or hardfeed are, but odds on they've been fed bread.

And she's shot spot on as far as Ferds is concerned, I'm so relieved as it looks like meds are going to be part of our future now.

A stunning crisp winter day at the beach today- much needed soul food! Shiloh was so happy to be in his favourite place,...
28/07/2024

A stunning crisp winter day at the beach today- much needed soul food! Shiloh was so happy to be in his favourite place, he popped a few yahoo bucks as we cantered along. I love that he's still feeling so good at almost 20!

Spent Friday volunteering at the Companion Animals New Zealand Equichip event. I didn't get many photos of the actual da...
27/07/2024

Spent Friday volunteering at the Companion Animals New Zealand Equichip event. I didn't get many photos of the actual day (too busy distracting horses with treats so they didn't notice the needles,) but I did get Shiloh and Lynx chipped, so if there's ever an emergency we can be reunited asap. They are thermochips, which means if I want to take their temperature I no longer have to try and hold the front end while attempting to stick something in the back end, I just wave my magic wand and ta-da! You don't even really notice their lil bald patches where they were clipped before implantation.

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I'm trying to work out if I'm just late to the party or if this is actually as revolutionary as I think it is! My lil rescue pony Ferdi has been prescribed presnisolone for his newly diagnosed asthma. I thought I'd have trouble getting the pills into him because he's not big on treats. But it turns out he actually DOES love one specific thing.... BREAD. Specifically, a plum jam sandwich. He views carrots, apples and other handfed treats with deep suspicion, so I wasn't hopefully that this would work, but he freaking LOVES a jam sandwich! My mind is totally blown. The friend who bestowed this life changing knowledge upon me used to spend quite a lot of time rounding up loose horses from low-income areas, and she reckons that horses with less- than-ideal pasts might not know what carrots, apples or hardfeed are, but odds on they've been fed bread. And she's shot spot on as far as Ferds is concerned, I'm so relieved as it looks like meds are going to be part of our future now. #rescuepony #heckyeahjamsammich

Yesterday I took Lynx down to Wild Thyme Horsemanship for behaviour boot camp. He's going to be away at least 5 or 6 weeks. In some ways, sending him to someone else for training feels like admitting defeat- that he's bested me. But it's not a competition, and they say the strongest thing anyone can say is 'I need help'. So if the best thing for Lynx is to get some training by an expert, I'm not going to let my ego or my anxiety get in the way of that. And I am ANXIOUS. I was worried about it already, but with Moon very much on my heart (and the resulting triggering of my CPTSD around losing Lynx's big sister in such a traumatic way,) having my baby so far away for so long is really hard. As a result of my internal disquiet, Lynx put on quite possibly the most feral display I've seen to date, and demonstrated quite clearly why he's there for boot camp. He ripped away from me and galloped full-tilt through a wire fence. (In his defence, I don't think he saw it. But if he'd stayed with me he wouldn't have hit it, so there's that 🤦🏽‍♀️). He barely even stumbled. I could hardly look, convinced he must have degloved his legs or worse, but aside from a nick above 3 hooves, there isn't a scratch on him. Around the dinner table that evening, Ellie's young daughter explained the behaviour chart they use in her classroom, then insisted that we make one for Lynx for his stay with them. So here is Lynx's behaviour chart in all its laminated glory. It was really hard to drive away without my baby in my float, especially as he looked so worried and was calling out to me as if to say 'Momma! I'm meant to be in there, don't forget me!' But I know he's in excellent, empathic hands, as before I'd even made it home Ellie had sent me a video of Lynx lying down having a sleep in the sunshine. With luck, these 6 weeks or so will fly by AND jump-start us into the next phase of our relationship: ridden work. Thank you Ellie for helping us, powerful purple here we come! #

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