04/03/2023
So well stated!
On Dogs & Social Expectations with Other Dogs
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Canadian society has developed some weeeeeird ideas about dog sociability in the last few decades, at least as far as I can tell. I remember growing up on a farm and being strictly instructed NOT to touch other peoplesâ dogs without express permission from the dogâs owner. I remember it being a fairly common thing for lots of dogs to not want to interact with people they didnât know, and while they werenât allowed to be aggressive unless the situation called for it, it wasnât considered at all âoddâ that the dogs were like that. It was also expected that your dog would NOT be friendly towards any dog that just showed up at your place. In fact, most owners in that situation WANTED their dog to behave aggressively enough that wandering dogs would be run off as quickly as possible and would NOT want to come back.
Sometime between now and then, and especially in urban settings, that changed.
Somehow, we got it in our heads that dogs who had been bred for decades â if not centuries â to be committed to a relationship with one or two people, or a single family, could be expected to be friendly with EVERYONE. And, in some instances, every THING, too. Suddenly, a dog should enjoy interacting with all human beings and other dogs, in any and all circumstances, and all without a care in the world. Suddenly, dogs werenât supposed to be who and what weâve been breeding them to be for generations; suddenly they were supposed to be something entirely different. And in a LOT of instances, that isnât going so well.
So. Hereâs the deal (at least in my opinion). Dogs, like people, have varying levels of sociability. And those levels of sociability change with age, experience, and circumstance.
If you take a bunch of toddlers and put them in a playroom together with a bunch of toys and activities, or even just with each other, they will â for the most part, anyway â have a good time. Some will dive right in; some might be more cautious. You might have some that cling to their mothers until theyâve determined that no one is going to eat them, and you might have a small few who really never want to interact with the other toddlers at all. But, for the most part, they will all end up playing together, more or less.
An aside⊠Itâs important to note, that Iâm NOT talking about children who know one another. Iâm talking about a group of children who are unfamiliar with one another who have suddenly found themselves in a room together.
Fast forward a bunch of years, and now youâve got a group of junior high aged children who â once again â do NOT know each other, put into a room together. At this point, theyâre starting to get a lot pickier about who they want to hang out with. There is a lot more suspicion, a lot more hesitance towards one another. Youâre still likely to have your super-gregarious ones, but the majority are less interested in interacting on a free-for-all type scale, and more interested in trying to suss out who is most like them, who will do things the way they like doing things, and who will give them a hard time. Youâll have your swaggering, stereotypical, popular types who are comfortable taking the lead (and whatever else they want), and youâll have your more cautious, introverted types as well. There might be problems between some of them, and itâs pretty much guaranteed that they wonât all like each other, no matter what else happens.
Fast forward a final time. Now weâve got a group of people in their early thirties. For this experiment, weâre going to plunk them in a fitness centre together. Most of them are going to go about doing whatever it is that they normally do in a gym without really acknowledging one another. There might be some friendly overtures, but not many. If any of the people DO happen to know each other, those ones will usually stick together. Some people â usually those who have had negative past experiences or who were more introverted growing up â will be overtly suspicious of everyone else. Some will react poorly if they are approached; some will tolerate the interaction, even though theyâre really uncomfortable about it. Some will just leave if they can. But very few of them will want to be friends with anyone and everyone they can walk up to, aaaaand the ones who are like that will often be received poorly by the others because their social etiquette sucks and they make the more reserved adults uncomfortable.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, it should.
Thatâs because dogs are very similar to people in this respect. As puppies, most dogs will be social to one degree or another. As they age, many of them become less so. And as they reach maturity, a lot of them will have gotten to the point where they donât like other dogs or they only like certain dogs with whom they are familiar.
Some of them will view others of the same s*x as competition. Some of them will still be willing and ready to be besties with everyone (I call those dogs âderpsâ and theyâre the ones who genuinely benefit from dog parks, daycares, etc.). Some will be incredibly uncomfortable in unstructured social situations, to the point where theyâll lash out or run away if approached. Some will be tolerant, but not particularly enjoying themselves.
ALL OF THEM ARE NORMAL.
And ALL of them deserve to have their preferences and personalities acknowledged and respected, while being taught how to participate appropriately in society.
What do I mean by that? Well, I mean that itâs possible for you to understand and respect the fact that you have a dog that doesnât like other dogs that are unfamiliar to them AND still insist that they behave appropriately despite that.
For example, if Iâm walking my âintrovertedâ, socially reclusive dog on the street and another dog looks at them funny or tries to get their attention by barking or jumping around, they arenât allowed to start freaking out at the other dog; they must behave politely and appropriately, despite how they feel about the other dogâs overtures. However, if Iâm walking my dog in the park, and another dog comes rushing at us off-leash (and trailing an owner that insists the dog is friendly), then my dog is allowed to be uncomfortable and communicate that to the other dog with appropriate dog body language and vocalizations (flattened ears, side-eyes, lip licking, lip lifting, grumbling/growling, hackles up). For MY part, so that my dog doesnât feel the need to escalate their communication how displeased they are, Iâm going to do my best to keep myself in between my dog and the other dog until the other dogâs owner can responsibly retrieve their pooch, but itâs NORMAL and HEALTHY for my dog to not want to interact in this situation. My dog isnât being âmeanâ, they arenât âpoorly socializedâ, they arenât âunfriendlyâ. Theyâre a NORMAL dog, exhibiting NORMAL dog behaviour. Period.
Letâs be honest, you guys⊠If you go for a walk in a park by yourself or with a friend, how happy and engaging are YOU going to be if someone came running up toward you at full tilt and hugged you without a word of introduction or your permission? How tolerant are YOU going to be if youâre playing catch with a buddy and someone runs over and grabs the ball and takes off with it, expecting you to chase them to get it back?
How comfortable are YOU going to be if someone puts you in an enclosed space with a bunch of people you donât know, some of whom are yelling (barking) at each other, some of whom look like theyâre sure theyâre going to die at any moment (pacing along the edges of the room, panting), some of whom are aggressively chest bumping anyone they can get close to (body slamming), and some of whom keep trying to kiss people theyâve never met (licking faces). In that situation, how long would it take YOU to freak out on the next person who got in your space, regardless of whether or not their intentions were friendly? ESPECIALLY if youâve already communicated your discomfort politely a whole bunch of times in a whole bunch of different ways.
So if you have a dog that doesnât like to play with random other dogs, who isnât a fan of dogs they donât know getting in their faces, or who prefers to keep to their interactions to dogs they know or just to YOU, respect that. For the vast majority of breeds, itâs what we bred them for; itâs how we WANTED them to behave. Instead of trying to force them to be social butterflies, provide them with experiences and interactions that they are comfortable and happy with, and fulfill them in ways they actually enjoy. And, if those interactions are in large part with YOU, then know that your dog is a normal, healthy, happy dog, who is doing exactly what they were designed to do.
After all, that whole business about being wo/manâs best friend is kind of a big deal. Letâs love them for it instead of trying to âfixâ things that were never broken to begin with.
Christina Chandler, IACP-CDT
ALIGN CANINE TRAINING INC
âŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ.
P.S. Just for the record, I am NOT knocking the âderpsâ. There is a lot to be said for a dog who is unapologetically HAPPY and social just because theyâre alive. My clients who have dogs like that know how often they make me laugh, how much I like them, and how fantastic I think they are as pets in our society.
But⊠they ALSO know that I firmly believe itâs their responsibility to be aware that many other dogs are NOT that way, and that super social dogs should NOT be allowed to invade another dogâs space, just because they happen to think that everyone should love them as much as they love everyone else. (Even when they love everyone else a LOT. Like⊠SO FREAKING MUCH, you guys. So. Freaking. Much. Even THEN.)