17/12/2024
I have just had to say my final goodbye to my dear beloved Shadow. This is not my first brush with grief, gosh, at my age, it would be unlikely. But the loss of a dog is hard. To be honest, I find it harder than losing a human. I don’t understand why that is maybe it's the animal's vulnerability, as in they rely on us for life really, and maybe we feel we let them down by not getting them through an illness.
He (Shadow) was not an easy dog. Life was structured around him pretty much, all dogs like routine, but he was next level. He had maybe PTSD and generalised anxiety. Came to me as a foster (at 6 months) as I was a trainer, and well, we are suckers for a challenge. This is perhaps what made him so affectionate to those close to him, so trusting, so loyal. So, as long as life carried on much the same as Groundhog Day, then all was fine. What now… doing the same brings on tears, but I have the other dog to consider, and I have to maintain her routine and try and be happy about it. After all, she deserves that.
Shadow went downhill quickly. To the vet Friday for an overnight stay and again on Monday.
His symptoms were increasing lameness, then no weight bearing on the left back leg (he had surgery in September), intermittent high temperature, a minor cough, and general lethargy. Then, it progressed to voice change, complete loss of appetite, and having to be carried out to go to the toilet, no voluntary walking. First, they tried pain relief and antibiotics, then Steroids (He had immune-mediated polyarthritis) and pain relief, at least his appetite came back, and this gave hope. But alas, false it was. There was some improvement, but not long. As of then, he was dropping condition and weight like nothing, by now, down to just over 16 kg from over 18kg, he was always a lean dog. This was hard to witness, stoking fur-covered bones, even on his head. To top it all, we had his last night when we had masses of rain; this was his PTSD trigger. He hardly slept nor did we. We were losing him, and now he was suffering. It's so hard to make that call, but it had to be done. What's nice now is that you can have a home ‘end of life’. For a dog like Shadow in particular that's such a relief and minimal stress, just be here with us and go to sleep, and now he is with all the other beloved pets, running free.
Some of you reading this will have lost pets and this may bring up your feelings of loss and grief again. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit on grief, it may be years and hearing about another loss will bring up your grief, this is normal, allow yourself a moment to remember, but try to remember the good times you had as well.
Now the healing begins my heart and sore my shoulder.