21/04/2025
So I have been putting off posting this for quite some time, mainly due to the fact I don't want sympathy, attention, or having to answer questions...living with my situation everyday is exhausting enough. For those who genuinely care and wonder where I have disappeared to, here is an update. My withdrawal and lack of contact is simply because I have had soo much on my plate that it has become impossible for me to focus on anything or anyone else for the past 2yrs.
So as many of you know, 2yrs ago my beautiful mum, who was my world, had a bad fall which set my life into turmoil. Amongst the stress and trauma associated with getting her to hospital, being told there was nothing the surgeons could do for her, transferring her to palliative care, handling her medical and personal affairs while watching her suffer, to then losing her 2mths later and having to organise her funeral and handling her estate whilst going through the worst grief I have ever experienced (I still feel it everyday 💔), I also had my own medical emergency and had to go in and out of hospital for 2mths due to a serious infection in my leg which then required surgery. The surgery turned into a much worse situation than initially thought by the surgeon and I ended up losing a large chunk out of my thigh which caused nerve damage...I was fully conscious through the surgery and felt most of it...severe pain that needed a green whistle just to complete the surgery. My youngest nephew calls it my shark bite 😅.
Just as I started to recover from this 5mths later, I slipped a disc in my back, which I have done soo many times before, although this time I didn't bounce back. Within a month of doing this I started being woken up in the middle of the night with the most excruciating pain in the middle of my back. I would be forced to sit upright and was unable to lay back down, so after a month of only getting 2hrs sleep a night I decided to get some medical help. Multiple scans and specialist appointments later, with results only showing multiple bulging discs, spinal stenosis and osteo-arthritis, I still had no real explanation as to what was causing such sudden severe pain.
By June last year the pain had become soo severe with massive painwaves hitting me during the day and night, I had to pause my business, with the hope that some rest may help me heal and recover.
So here I am 10mths later, 4 MRI's, 3 CT scans, a nuclear imaging scan, 2 ultrasounds, 4 x'rays, cortisone injections, multiple blood tests, a ridiculous amount of appointments with gps physios and specialists, to then spending a week in hospital after waking up on the 1st Dec with the worst debilitating pain I have ever felt in my life, and not being able to stand up due to both my feet being in agony.
It has been nearly 6mths since I have been able to walk...yes I am now in a wheelchair. I was diagnosed with Reactive Arthritis in hospital (no known cause) and 2mths ago I was diagnosed with incurable chronic CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome), which has travelled through my body, from my back to one foot, to the other foot/ankle, leg, hips and right elbow. I have been on a cocktail of medications and had a recent spinal nerve block procedure, which has done nothing to help, infact has worsened my condition. With all of the steroid meds and lack of movement I have gained 15kgs of weight whilst also losing muscle mass and memory in my entire left leg. I have now lost control of my left foot and spend most days stuck on the lounge in pain.
I have had zero income since July last year and have had to live with the sadness of losing my business after 17yrs, whilst also grieving the loss of the active life I once lived. Just to top it all off I ended up in a car accident 3wks ago and had to go back to hospital...just whiplash but not great ontop of my current condition 😬
I really don't want pity, just kindness, compassion and understanding. I'm trying my best to adjust to this new way of living...not easy. I have not given up and am trying everything I can to get my mobility and life/independance back. There are still more procedures and treatments to try...slowly eating through my savings 🫤 I just have to face the prospect that I may not get my mobility back no matter what I try, but I cant give up hope just yet. If only the government wouldn't make me jump through hoops to get financial assistance...the system is f*cked!!!
Anyhoo, those that know me know that I'm a fighter and mostly tough. Even though I fall in a heap at times, I have the inner strength to get through this (a gift from my mum 💪). I still hold onto hope that I will miraculously recover and be able to continue on with my much loved business...I picture myself back out with all my little furry friends again in the future (infact I dream about them often and wake up in tears when I remember I can't walk and play with them 😥). For this reason I refuse to close my business...doing this would mean I have given up, and I'm not ready for that 🥺
My advice to everyone is to enjoy every moment and appreciate the simple things, like the ability to walk, as life can be flipped on it's head soo suddenly. I miss the simple things like walking on the beach, going for a swim, paddleboarding, the freedom to go anywhere without assistance, running around with my dogs...the list is endless really 😥
I am however learning to appreciate the positives in life in a new way and be greatful for the blessings I have and the experience of unconditional love, from and for those who are here for me everyday. I don't know how or if I would be able to get through this without my partner Sharon and my sister Vanessa...and of course my little nephews and bro-in-law 🥰. I remind myself daily that there are many people who have it far worse than me, and that I am lucky in soo many ways...I have people who love, support and care for me 🙏🫶 Thanks also to Louise for constantly checking in on me and sending me photos of my little squishy babies Duggy and Pops...you are more than just a client, you are family to me 💞 Seeing photos of them really warms my heart and makes me want to fight harder to get back to work 🥰 Gawd do I miss them all 😢💔💕
