06/08/2024
Sweet Copper, it’s hard to believe tomorrow it will be one week since I last touched your beautiful fur. I think your body has been cremated now. I’m not sure, and I’m too afraid to call and ask. I’ll just wait a few more days and see if the vet office calls me. I must admit though, I do feel like I need your ashes so that I can feel like we’re truly together again. I know you’re still here in spirit, I feel you constantly. I just feel like something is missing, and I think it’s your ashes.
I signed up to foster again! I know I’m not ready to bring in another dog to adopt, but I think fostering would be good for me. Gosh, I loved those days when we would go to the shelter and pick a litter of puppies to foster. You loved each and every one of those tiny little babies. You didn’t even mind when they climbed on you, and pulled your tail. You’ve always been so patient, so gentle, so kind.
Do you remember when we fostered the ferrets? Oh I’m sure you do! Oh how your heart filled with happiness each morning when it was time to take them out for a little play! I would ask you if it was time to wake up the stinky-butts and you would start whining like crazy! You sure loved those little danger noodles! They loved you too. I would laugh so hard my face would hurt watching them play hide and seek with you. You would give them a little head start, and they would race for the empty box and climb right in. I can still hear you sniffing away, pretending like you didn’t know exactly where those little rascals were hiding! I would give anything for just one more day watching you play with those critters!
Alex and I were talking about how you always made people smile. My favorite thing in the world was watching people’s faces as they saw you proudly carrying the grocery bags in your mouth. You carried those bags down the street like it was the most important job in the world. It didn’t matter how miserable someone was, the moment they saw you doing that they couldn’t help but smile. I loved that. I used to say if I had a nickel for every person that you made smile I would be a millionaire. How on earth did I ever get so lucky to have you choose me to be your person??
Last night as I walked down the trail I found myself reaching for the phone. I was about to open youtube, but I stopped myself because I thought “What if I miss one of your beautiful signs?” I need to be present, I need to keep watching. I need your gifts so much right now.
Copper, I need to apologize to you. I remember how I used to watch youtube videos on our walks at night. I think I knew, I knew our time together was coming to an end and I just wasn’t able to cope with it. I think it was easier for me to numb the pain by watching videos or playing my stupid games. The one thing that haunts me the most is our last week together when we would get home from our walk. I would load up my game, and I would hear you whimper beside me. I would stop for a moment and give you a pet, but gosh why didn’t I listen to you!!!!! I wish I had turned that damn game off and held you for as long as I could. I’m so sorry Copper.
I was wondering about something else today. When I would talk about how much your vet bills were, I would do it in front of you. I’m sorry. I hope you know that you were never ever ever EVER a burden to me. Sure, $40K in vet bills is a lot, but Copper please know, please Copper… PLEASE know that if someone told me right now that for $40K I could have just one more day with you, heck, one more minute with you I wouldn’t hesitate to spend it all over again!!! That money gave me 11 more months with you. I am so grateful for absolutely every second that I got with you, and I don’t regret it for one second!
It’s getting so hot outside now, Copper. I remember in the winter I couldn’t wait for the summer! I dreamed of us returning to the beach and swimming again. I thought, “If I can just get Copper to summer everything will be okay! “ Now summer has arrived, but… well… you know. I know that Pepper, and Tripp, and Jawa would love so much to go to the beach and go for a swim, and I want so much to take them! How do I do this though? I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I think I liked it better when it was raining because at least then I felt like the angels were crying. Now the sky is blue, and the sun is shining bright and life just goes on. I’ve asked so much of you already Copper, but I need to ask something more. Please give me the strength to keep going. I want to give Pepper, Tripp, and Jawa the same love that I gave you. I want them to be just as happy.
I love you so very much Copper.