05/07/2024
I am struggling lately. I’m working full time despite my health issues and I’m chronically exhausted. When I bought my house I bought the cheapest house I could find. I searched for two years before buying. It was an excellent deal and in pretty good shape. I carefully budgeted and it was tight but doable. Since I bought, the price of everything has rocketed upwards and now I’m not making it. I’m chronically out of money before I am out of month. I turned 60 in May and decided to take my pension early since I could use the extra money and my dad never got a penny of his. My pension is shockingly small and then when it came it was even less than my confirmation letter said it would be. Almost $100 less! So I got just over $300 for CPP. I can see that I shall never be able to retire and I can also see that I will not be able to continue to work indefinitely. I don’t know what choices I have. Perhaps I should take MAID -medical assistance in dying when I become unable to work any longer. Wouldn’t the government love that! They wouldn’t even have to pay me the pittance I already get. I’m depressed because I don’t really see a way out of this. I don’t think I would do well in a homeless camp. My arthritis would render me immobile in the cold and I would likely freeze come winter. Perhaps I should slink into the woods and build a tiny cabin on crown land. But again I can’t see myself chopping wood and hauling water with my disabilities. It appeals to me more than living in a tent in a city park. How would I get food and necessities into the woods without my shack being found and destroyed. Should I go to a nursing home? I’m not keen on that either. It would feel like jail after my independent life. The world isn’t kind to people who choose to be single and try to survive on a single income. But my experience with marriage has scarred me against ever going that route again. I have toyed with the notion of selling my house in 5 years and moving to a place in Newfoundland. Houses are inexpensive there and in some areas there are no property taxes. But, I would be even more lonely than I already am. Plus food, heat, electricity, internet, insurance and fuel all add up to more than I can make. I have never been financially comfortable in my life and sometimes death seems preferable to the endless, hopeless struggle. But I am stubborn and not a quitter. I keep desperately searching for a solution. At the moment my youngest kid and their significant other are living with me. They pay rent and buy some groceries. They talk about getting a place of their own which is the natural order of things but when they go I will have to find a way to stretch my funds even further. I need to get rid of things and I suppose not have my pets either. Truly I can’t afford them either. But animals have always been an important part of my life. I have been a Registered Veterinary Technician for over 25 years. I can’t physically do the job any longer and I have been clinging to my credentials and paying the association fees out of foolish hope. This year I officially retired but to my surprise I still had to pay almost $300 in professional dues. I guess next year I will have to recuse myself and lose those stupid precious letters RVT, behind my name. I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure. But I have always done the best that I can. Is that failure when you can say that? I start a week of holidays tonight but I can’t afford to go anywhere and I feel no excitement at all. The only thing I look forward to is getting a reasonable amount of sleep. Well that’s the situation right now. Pity party of one. I post this here because almost no one sees it and I can keep my shame hidden.
